What I’ve been finding with the questioners so far, is that for them at least, this is purely about paying attention to a silly thought, giving it meaning and so, making a big deal out of nothing. Here’s why this is so common…

We have this idea that we are normal raving heterosexuals and then for whatever reason — and there are usually a few factors that cause it, we get an idea “What if I’m gay?”

The idea shocks, and then our minds start reeling, and we fear this idea. Shock and fear rapidly cause your mind to behave in a certain way, so that you begin to see it everywhere.

So, then you start to notice the same sex, question their attractiveness, play with the “Am I gay?” idea more and more and so it rapidly builds.

And you may try to push this idea away, fight it, hold it down, repress it and that only fuels the idea even more because you cannot tell your mind not to think about something. This is a really common pitfall that is soooo easily overcome.

What you need to do to forget something is remove meaning and attention from it — pay attention to something else, essentially ignore every thought to do with the unwanted thing, consistently, because ignoring has “don’t care” built in, and “don’t care” tells your unconscious mind “This is not important, stop telling me about this.”

Now another pitfall that’s really common is the frustration that the unwanted thought is still there. That’s a lot of meaning and attention, and you know what that does. Unwanted thoughts die away when ignored, they don’t disappear like switching off a light, so please don’t fall into that trap.

So, most of the nightmares caused by the “Am I gay?” thing are nothing whatsoever to do with the actual reality of your sexuality, which is a biological fact, but simply caused by the shock and fear of an idea which can grow by means of unwitting meaning and attention, into something that can be a massive problem.

So, if you have been a raving heterosexual, and started thinking “Am I gay?” then it’s simply a load of rubbish that you’ve trained yourself to notice everywhere. Reverse, by ignoring every occurrence of every thought to do with it. See what happens.

And don’t forget to look after your whole lifestyle, because you simply cannot separate how you think from whether you are sleeping well, how many coffees you drink, how many worries you have, what you eat and so-on and so-on.

All the best

Mike Kinnaird
Habit Guide: How to be Happy & Healthy

“It’s almost 12:30am and I can’t fall asleep. It’s a school night and I usually can’t sleep on school night for some reason, and on weekends I can fall asleep. I’ve tried your advice, many other different websites on how to get rid of scary thoughts and how to fall asleep fast. None have really worked. I am scared of zombies, etc. and I know they are not real, but they still freak me out a lot. I usually just close my eyes at night hoping to fall asleep, but I keep thinking there is some kind of demon looking at me. Please help! I’ve slept in my parents bed, but it’s even harder to sleep in there (and they don’t want me to sleep in there, they think I’m annoying lol). HELP!”

No such thing as zombies

You have to know with absolute clarity that you’re in no danger. When you think about zombies and get scared, then you are really seeing them as a threat to you and you will go in a “fight or flight” state, which is to save your life when there’s real danger. You MUST see these thoughts as silly/funny and that will help a lot in getting rid of them.

Click here to read more about seeing your fear in a different light

Exercise if scared

Once you’re in a state of fear, in that fight or flight state, your body is making adrenaline so that you can literally fight or run away. This makes you hyper-alert and makes your thinking illogical and reactive. So if you’re very scared and in a state like this, exercise is the best way to calm down, it’s the natural way to calm down, it’s what your body expects to happen…

Practice relaxation

As soon as it’s time to sleep, then go through every body part starting with your feet and feel it tingling. If any part is tense, then squeeze the muscle and relax. Like everything, the more you practice this, the better you’ll get at it.

Think about something else

Once you truly see your fear as meaningless, then it will be very easy to keep your mind off it because why would you give ANY attention to something meaningless? Keeping your mind off it will also stop you going into a high-anxiety state where you need exercise to bring you back to normal. If any thoughts come due to habit and association, then simply remember your new truth about it, and ignore. Do this consistently… every single time.

So what you need to do is see the truth; there are no zombies, you’re in no danger and see it clearly, understand it fully. Then ignore every single thought about it — pay attention to something else.

Big picture

Don’t forget that how your mind works and your ability to control your thinking depends on lots of factors.

All the best,

Mike Kinnaird
Habit Guide: How to be Happy & Healthy

“I have lived with a in-law family member for 5 years now and my thoughts of this person are driving me insane. I try extremely hard to keep my peace, not saying anything, and trying to make my thoughts leave so I dont say anything horrible and it is eating me alive. What do you suggest I do when those thoughts hound me? If your answer is meditation, what do I try to focus on?”

I suggest you don’t empower them with more attention. Simply observe what’s happening and be curious about it. This will instantly separate “you” from the thoughts and emotions and help you to let them go.

It’s tough, and there’s no easy solution, but there is a simple solution and that is meditation. The ONLY solution to any ego related problem is to go higher — become more conscious.

A very valuable thing to do in these kinds of situations is to spend some time thinking compassionate thoughts about the person who you perceive to be hurting you…

That may sound crazy but until you change the inner situation, the outer won’t change. I’ve used this technique myself and it does transform if you do it well. Perhaps start by imagining your in-law as an innocent baby, totally dependant on the world for support and then imagine the forces that could have shaped them into what they are today.

If you can put yourself in a compassionate attitude towards the person that is hurting you, I believe this will totally transform your relationship. Of course, not easy, but if you can do it, you will grow tremendously from the experience. This is about your personal power and freedom.

The Buddha said “He was angry with me, he attacked me, he defeated me, he robbed me — those who do not dwell on such thoughts will surely become free from hatred.”

Apart from meditating on compassion for the person, I would say give no attention to the situation until a thought or feeling arises. Then simply observe it with curiosity, substitute your compassionate feelings and let it go.

I think what you’re already doing is right — biting your tongue — as tough as it is to do. Any “input” or influence should be done in a calm state of mind.

I would recommend sit down practice of meditation to everybody. Mindfulness and the techniques I’ve talked about here will be difficult to apply without the precious understanding that meditation gives.

Thanks for your question…  My heart goes out to you and I wish you luck with this — I’ve been through exactly the same thing myself and I know how painful it can be.

Mike Kinnaird
Habit Guide: How to be Happy & Healthy

“I’ve been in love with my girlfriend for 6 years. She’s honest and trustworthy, and I want to spend my life with her. But a few weeks ago, a colleague told me his girlfriend cheated on him. This story went strongly into my mind and I started to have some negative thoughts about my girlfriend.

Initially, I argued with my thoughts and that only caused them to increase in volume. I read your unwanted thoughts article and clearly understood that the thoughts have no power until I give them attention.

But now my girlfriend has become friends with a guy she’s working with, and shares stories about him. I trust her but keep getting the thought ‘I wonder what he looks like?’ I’ve even been getting negative thoughts about each and every guy on the street, and wondering if this is what her friend looks like. Can you help me?”

© Leonard John Matthews

It sounds like you have a great relationship with your girl. Have you talked about your intentions with her? Do you know hers?

Just because some people have affairs means nothing. It’s best not to focus on ideas you don’t want because you are moving into the vision created by your thinking.

Therefore you will cause what you fear. You’ll be constantly suspicious and that will infect everything with negativity which will ultimately breakdown the relationship…

I think you need to feel that you and your girl are on the same page… that you both want the same thing, so talk it through with her and let her know how you feel.

The cultural norms we have for relationships are because most value honesty, commitment, trust and so-on…

Once you’re both clear on the boundaries and intentions you’ve chosen for your relationship, I think you’ll be able to relax a lot and let go of these worries.

If you think about what is healthy for yourself, I’m sure you’ll agree that lots of loving friendships would be a good thing. Allow the same for your girl. And no matter how you define your relationship, allow her always the freedom to choose, as you would also want for yourself.

Once you have a new mindset, and have relaxed about your relationship, you’ll then be able to make a decision to let go of unwanted thoughts around it. Use “no importance, distract” to consistently remove attention.

Of course, by doing the mindset work and talking things through with your girl, you really will view these thoughts as unimportant and so why would you pay attention to something you SEE as meaningless? Removing attention then becomes very easy and natural.

The best guarantee you can get of continued happiness in your relationship, is to be happy yourself. Then she’ll want to be around you and your happiness will inspire happiness in her. Feeling good is what we want, what she wants, so if she feels good around you, she will stay and your relationship will get closer and deeper, better and better.

And the happier you are, the less you’ll need to cling to certain conditions, including relationships for your own happiness, the less needy you’ll be. Neediness is very unattractive, except to other needy people. Pinning your happiness on your girl is not a good place to be, nor is it a responsibility she will like, or is likely to accept for long.

Being happy, being the best you can be, means consistent focus on the causes of happiness, Habit Guide’s six lifestyle elements. That’s why there are a thousand problems with just one solution… be happy and healthy… habitually (effortlessly) do what it takes for happiness.

All the best,

Mike Kinnaird
Habit Guide: How to be Happy & Healthy

“I like the Habit Guide eating plan but I’m not a big fan of protein powder. What’s a good alternative for the fruit smoothie?”

You could have poached/boiled egg, cold cuts/leftover meat or kippers/smoked mackerel and so-on, in addition to the smoothie as quick protein choices.

Cottage cheese goes well, but always be suspicious of dairy, especially if you have any health issues…

Silken tofu is awesome in a smoothie but not for every day, as soy is controversial. Yogurt is also good and makes a delicious creamy smoothie. The protein content is not as high as other options though and the dairy issues apply…

Goat’s milk yogurt is likely to be less problematic.

If you definitely want to avoid protein powders, then rotating all the different choices I mentioned is an option for you.

All the best,

Mike Kinnaird
Habit Guide: How to be Happy & Healthy