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How to overcome addiction to negative thinking and the habit of association
Peter asks…
“Almost all my life I’ve been addicted to negative thinking and I’ve been diagnosed with the possibility of OCD. I have a few problems that I’m working on — the most annoying is this one:
My mind somehow got in the habit of bringing back experiences that I hate from the past, and attaching them to the things or activities that I do like — it sounds weird but I’ll give an example:
If I’m cutting some paper — some decoration, and I hear a name of someone that I hate on the radio, my mind digs the old bad experiences up — and tries to attach it to the cutting. So next time when I do a similar cutting, my mind will probably pick that emotion and I will go through it again.
I’m trying to manage this by focusing on something else. But the problem is that when I try to hide that memory which was just brought to me, I can’t simply think of something positive, because I’m afraid the bad memory will get associated with it.
I was reading an article about this:
….”Letting go” of something that is bothering you means refusing to dwell on it, obsess over it, focus on it, worry about it, fume over it, and so on. Instead, you simply set it aside and turn your attention to other tasks that don’t upset you….
This is exactly what’s almost impossible for me, because the positive things get associated with the negative ones… sometimes I’m even scared to talk with some people on some days (the days I wanna do something that I like), as those people might mention the names of people that I hated.
I’m afraid the few things that I enjoy will get corrupted by association with bad memories.
By the way, I have no other problems with moods etc.
I think that first: my mind is addicted to a negative thinking. At least one negative thought at the time must be worked on in my head (since I was a little – old bad habit). And also I think that my mind should just get a little bit stupider, in order to not be that attentive/watchful to every little thing. I sometimes cant believe how quickly it can bring up some memory once it’s triggered by something… and that thing just runs though my head in a few seconds and starts to bother me.
Why does my mind just try to destroy everything I like?
That’s what I don’t understand… normal regular people — when something bad happens or when something they hate is recalled in their heads — they simply focus on things they like and bad things are gone… not in my case. I’m even afraid to do anything like that because bad thoughts could be brought next time along with it.
This habit of associating is kind of a new thing — last 2-3 years.
Any ideas what I can do / practice etc?
Thank you in advance.”
© Rob Beyer
OK, let’s start with the big stuff… the very big info you need for a new mindset and understanding about how your brain works. When you have a better understanding of how it works, you’ll be able to get your mind to work for you.
The big stuff is this: Attention is the volume control for thoughts.
Factors feeding attention in your case are meaning and habit…
An idea you give meaning to has a certain QUALITY, and that quality determines how it affects you subconsciously. For example, you have fear attached to some of these ideas and so you mind will play patterns designed to protect you from real life dangers such as lions. The way your mind responds is the same and can include a fight or flight response (anxiety) plus lots of attention plus very easily made ASSOCIATIONS… Read more
I feel lost and confused about life
Doug asks…
“I feel lost and confused about life. My moods, feelings and physical, mental and emotional discomfort are making life tough. I have read a lot of different life advice and it can be very confusing. I often feel restless, scared and frustrated.
I’ve been unsure about my vocation for the past few years. And there’s a female acquaintance who I enjoy seeing, but I feel too uncertain about everything to initiate anything. I would have to say I mostly feel confused and scared… Any insights? Thanks.”
© fakelvis
I totally understand about confusing life advice.
When I was sick and desperate for answers, I found NO cohesive answers “out there.”
Just debate, agendas and confusion…
That’s why I spent over 20 years piecing it all together myself… because of all the unnecessary suffering due to lack of clear, simple guidance. I came to see how the vast majority of our suffering is due to living a poor lifestyle over a long time-frame… Read more
How to Stop Unwanted Thoughts
Daniel asks…
“I’m doing my best to stop my unwanted thoughts and habits, but I just can’t get rid of them. I automatically think about them and make up actions I can do to stop my thoughts from happening, such as touching something a certain amount of times or running up stairs to turn the TV on in less then 20 seconds. I’ve had these thoughts for a couple of years now and it feels like it’s starting to take over my life.”
© Majicdölphin
Habits are subtle and powerful. And you’ve been doing this for a few years, so you can’t retrain them overnight. It will take a few weeks at most though, if you do it right.
You need to see this behavior for what it is… instinctual behavior that is operating in a dysfunctional way and has morphed into something strange…
We are wired a certain way when we FEAR something, whether that is a LION or a THOUGHT. The way we react is the same.
So you need LOGIC and reason to see that this is simply dysfunctional, it serves no purpose. Once you can reason it, then you can let go because you can see it has no meaning at all… it’s just faulty wiring… Read more
How to have a happy, healthy relationship
Udhay asks…
“I’ve been in love with my girlfriend for 6 years. She’s honest and trustworthy, and I want to spend my life with her. But a few weeks ago, a colleague told me his girlfriend cheated on him. This story went strongly into my mind and I started to have some negative thoughts about my girlfriend.
Initially, I argued with my thoughts and that only caused them to increase in volume. I read your unwanted thoughts article and clearly understood that the thoughts have no power until I give them attention.
But now my girlfriend has become friends with a guy she’s working with, and shares stories about him. I trust her but keep getting the thought ‘I wonder what he looks like?’ I’ve even been getting negative thoughts about each and every guy on the street, and wondering if this is what her friend looks like. Can you help me?”
© Leonard John Matthews
It sounds like you have a great relationship with your girl. Have you talked about your intentions with her? Do you know hers?
Just because some people have affairs means nothing. It’s best not to focus on ideas you don’t want because you are moving into the vision created by your thinking.
Therefore you will cause what you fear. You’ll be constantly suspicious and that will infect everything with negativity which will ultimately breakdown the relationship…
I think you need to feel that you and your girl are on the same page… that you both want the same thing, so talk it through with her and let her know how you feel.
The cultural norms we have for relationships are because most value honesty, commitment, trust and so-on… Read more
Unwanted Thoughts and Fear
Katie asks…
“I’m 5 months pregnant and I’ve been having a strange unwanted thought that’s causing anxiety attacks. I keep thinking ‘What if my partner isn’t the father?’ I had a relationship with another man but that was more than 2 years ago. I know it’s not possible that he’s the father, but now I can’t get the thought out of my head.
It started when I told my brother I was pregnant and he said ‘By who?’ He meant it as a joke but it started playing on my mind. I keep going back to this thought and thinking ‘What if?’ Do I have an illness or am I going mad? Please help!!”
© Ashley Rose
The first thing is to understand the way our brains works, and therefore why this unwanted thought keeps bugging you.
Once you know this, you’ll understand why the solution will work for you…
You have basically the same brain as your ancestors, many years ago, when we lived in nature and met with very real dangers on a regular basis.
Imagine you come face to face with a lion. You get a strong fear reaction and instinctively either try to fight the lion or run away. This is called “fight or flight.” Flight means simply running away. And in the case of the lion, the urge to run away would be stronger than the urge to fight :-) Read more
