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Someone is driving me crazy
Mimi asks…
“I have lived with a in-law family member for 5 years now and my thoughts of this person are driving me insane. I try extremely hard to keep my peace, not saying anything, and trying to make my thoughts leave so I dont say anything horrible and it is eating me alive. What do you suggest I do when those thoughts hound me? If your answer is meditation, what do I try to focus on?”
I suggest you don’t empower them with more attention. Simply observe what’s happening and be curious about it. This will instantly separate “you” from the thoughts and emotions and help you to let them go.
It’s tough, and there’s no easy solution, but there is a simple solution and that is meditation. The ONLY solution to any ego related problem is to go higher — become more conscious.
A very valuable thing to do in these kinds of situations is to spend some time thinking compassionate thoughts about the person who you perceive to be hurting you…
That may sound crazy but until you change the inner situation, the outer won’t change. I’ve used this technique myself and it does transform if you do it well. Perhaps start by imagining your in-law as an innocent baby, totally dependant on the world for support and then imagine the forces that could have shaped them into what they are today.
If you can put yourself in a compassionate attitude towards the person that is hurting you, I believe this will totally transform your relationship. Of course, not easy, but if you can do it, you will grow tremendously from the experience. This is about your personal power and freedom.
The Buddha said “He was angry with me, he attacked me, he defeated me, he robbed me — those who do not dwell on such thoughts will surely become free from hatred.”
Apart from meditating on compassion for the person, I would say give no attention to the situation until a thought or feeling arises. Then simply observe it with curiosity, substitute your compassionate feelings and let it go.
I think what you’re already doing is right — biting your tongue — as tough as it is to do. Any “input” or influence should be done in a calm state of mind.
I would recommend sit down practice of meditation to everybody. Mindfulness and the techniques I’ve talked about here will be difficult to apply without the precious understanding that meditation gives.
Thanks for your question… My heart goes out to you and I wish you luck with this — I’ve been through exactly the same thing myself and I know how painful it can be.
Mike Kinnaird
Habit Guide: How to be Happy & Healthy
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Hey Mike,
Thank you for your response.The part I liked the most and which I think will be most helpful to me is to think compassionate thoughts and to remember how life has shaped them. I wish I could tell you how this person really is but that would be dis-honorable. Thank you for your advice. It’s hard for me to remember that I’m only responsible for my actions and I cant make them or be responsible for what ever they choose or choose not to do. Anyway, Thank you for listening to me.Do you have any advice on feeling suspicious and not trusting someone? That hinders my compassionate feelings a little and my way of interacting with them. How do you try to like someone or (act like)you like someone if you dont trust them?
Sincerely, Mimi
Hi Mimi,
You’re not going to change your feelings for this person instantly but if you keep dwelling on compassion for the person, it will put you in a place where the quality of your words and actions towards them are different.
Someone can be untrustworthy without making it into a personal problem–it’s just information. If they can’t be trusted or you suspect so, that’s the way it is. You don’t need to pretend they can be trusted or anything.
I know many people who are closed off and somewhat devious. We all try to “get our own way” and devious people think that their way is a good way. Their world view is “it’s me against the world, I have to protect myself from the world and people that will try to hurt me.” That kind of behavior is learned from life experience.
I would give up your mental plans of action and focus on meditation and compassion. As the inner you shifts, then so will the quality of your interaction with the world. You cannot try to love your neighbor intellectually. That kind of trying is ego based. You have to let go of your own ego then love for your neighbor becomes a natural expression of who you are.
If someone is pushing your buttons–well they’re your buttons to get rid of. Ultimately, to be who we truly are, we have to give up our “idea of ourselves.”
Trying to like a person or pretending to like them may be the most appropriate thing to do. Perhaps you understand the consequences of a different course of action.
By the way, I’m not a believer in the idea that we have to put up with all kinds of behavior. But from what you’ve said, it seems that for now, this is a situation you can’t get out of.
When negative feelings come up in you, substitute compassionate ones–see what happens :-) Good luck, I know it’s tough.
Mike.