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How to get rid of unwanted thoughts
© deVos
A friend of mine is plagued with unwanted thoughts.
He’s been diagnosed with OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) and I can tell how bad he is at any given moment by the number of times he calls me — he says I say the same stuff as his psychologist but I’m a lot cheaper! :-)
I mean… this is a guy who is bordering on reckless in many areas of his life but is brought to his knees with fear from thoughts that are totally irrational…
If I told you what they were you’d think it was silly but these silly thoughts dominate his life completely.
I don’t believe in the OCD label, at least not in his case. What I see is an extreme example of the issues we all face — the inability to drive our own mental car, the inability to choose the focus of our attention, the inability to see thought for what it really is…
Roll up! Roll up!
My friend and I have the same conversation over and over…
“How do I get rid of these thoughts?”
“You have to not pay attention. There is only one method — distraction. Pay attention to something else.”
Sounds simple eh? It is simple! The question is — can you do it?
Say you’re walking through a fun-fair when one of the stall holders is giving you the hard sell. We’ve all been there. He’s in your face basically, but you know instinctively that any attention you give him will only make the problem worse. If you even look at him you know he just won’t leave you alone.
Some thoughts can be like that — they’re in your face, they urge you in the strongest possible way to act out a certain thing.
Thought becomes you… unless you watch
I was watching a video clip of Eckhart Tolle the other day… He said:
“We notice only the content; we don’t see the field in which the content happens.”
I remember too, a lecture by Alan Watts who drew a circle and asked his students what the circle was. Some said a ball, some said it was the sun and so on. They were all wrong… it was a hole! We don’t notice the background.
Thoughts and feelings can have amazing power. They suck your attention right in and you have no power to stop it. They suck you in so much that you no longer notice the field (you), only the content (thought/feeling).
That’s the problem my friend has. I’ve told him the solution to his problem a thousand times but he’s struggling to actually do it. His thoughts, backed by his belief have too much power.
And make no mistake; we’re talking a lot of power here. OCD = compulsive = no choice. We all have OCD to some extent. Little or no choice.
Thankfully, over time and with constant practice, things are getting better but it’s a tough road and progress is sure, but painfully slow.
Trauma — useful or dangerous?
In his case, a childhood trauma was the event that started all this mess. Traumatic events have amazing power to affect our unconscious minds and generate fear. This is a good thing.
If you’re walking though the jungle and get attacked by a lion, it’s this very same process that stops you repeating the same mistake again. You learn when to fear a lion attack and that is a good thing!
But if trauma is attached to insignificant events, then those insignificant events take on the fear that should be reserved for lion attacks. Say your parents always fought at the dinner table and caused you to be always in a state of anxiety at meals times, then food would become something to fear, by association.
This initial cause can then be strengthened over the years by your attention until life-stopping phobias can result. Now we have a deep problem that’s really hard to shift.
Still… not paying attention to unwanted thoughts is the true solution. But can you do it?
Finding freedom
First, you have to see the field in which the content takes place. There has to be space between your thoughts. When there is a gap, suddenly you notice the thought arising. There is more chance of your being able to choose, when there is space.
But the real bottom line, the true solution, the therapy of therapies is meditation. This is the practice where you learn how to get space between thoughts — where you notice a thought and can look at it with curiosity.
This is where you learn how to be free, where you learn to say “yes” or “no”, where you learn where the off switch is.
If you have no freedom over your thoughts, then you’re merely a physical puppet of mind-energy — a proverbial “leaf in the wind”, with no control over yourself or freedom at all. It’s like getting into your car, shutting your eyes tight and pressing your foot down on the accelerator…
No, we want to choose where the car goes and be able to steer, surely?
You’d have to be crazy…
The other component to my friend’s problem is belief. Of course, he believes his silly thoughts are true… it’s his own mind generating the fear, so if he didn’t believe his own mind he’d have to admit he was crazy.
There are 2 problems with this. Firstly, he is not the content of his mind and so secondly, he’s not crazy. His mind is working perfectly to the program. It’s the content, the program, the conditioning, which doesn’t serve him.
So, he is not the content. He would still be himself if he’d not had that trauma as a child. Identification with content is a big problem. We define ourselves by the content, by our experiences. But that’s not us.
Our beliefs, experiences and thoughts are often random programmings of life… interesting, often beautiful, sometimes ugly but they’re not us. They define our personality but that’s not us either. “Persona” is Greek for “mask” did you know?
While we identify with all these things we aren’t free to choose something else…
The solutions…
The belief part has to be dislodged as much as possible by reason. In my friend’s case, explaining to him at length why his fear is irrational opens the door to him letting it go and being motivated to do the not-work of distraction — not paying attention.
If he still truly believed his fear was valid, he would never do what’s required because he would still believe the fear served him. Once the understanding is there — that the fear, or the habit of thought does NOT truly serve your best interests, you’re free to try to get rid of it.
You uproot unwanted thought and fear by practicing meditation. It’s tough to see the process for what it is in everyday life when your mind is bombarded by triggers and sensory input constantly. By making everything quiet you see the process for what it is.
I am the background
Here you are… “I AM”
There is the thought.
The thought happened.
The thought has no power unless I give it more attention.
I have choice.
Unless you’ve ever tried to meditate, you won’t understand how little power you have over thoughts that happen to you.
When I first started meditating over 20 years ago, the very first morning, I had 30 minutes meditation planned — I started off just fine… then 20 minutes later I remembered I was supposed to be meditating!
Twenty minutes!
Lost in thought
Thoughts are somewhat like snooker balls. One crashes into another into another into another without ceasing forever and ever and each thought sucks you in — in a word… hell. There’s no peace to be found here, no now, no joy.
We reap what we sow and thoughts are seeds. If you’re not choosing what you sow, you won’t be reaping what you want.
I can’t meditate… it makes it worse!
My friend won’t do it. He won’t do the not-work. He admits he’s lazy but there’s more to it. When he’s having a few good days there’s no motivation. When hell descends on him he’s highly motivated but often in a state of high anxiety.
By the time the thoughts and feelings have escalated into anxiety it’s virtually impossible to rein it in. You have to nip unwanted thoughts in the bud. Spot them arising and withdraw attention before they trigger big emotions and fears.
By the way, if it’s gone pear-shaped and anxiety takes over, the best thing to do is exercise. You’ve got no chance of calming down when you’re pumped with adrenalin.
Also, when he tries to meditate, he has to face his inner demons close up through what feels like a big big magnifying glass and that feels scary at first. The solution to that is to start with relaxation techniques — get out of “fight or flight” and into “the relaxation response”.
So anyway, I can’t convince him and he’s chosen to attempt to just try and not pay attention. This is the slow route as I said, because it’s difficult to see the process with a thousand thoughts, sensory input and internal triggers going on.
You can’t fight the darkness
Meditation teaches you that attention is where the power is. You cannot try to suppress or fight any thought or feeling. That’s just more attention!
The solution is to notice it, let it be, let it go and choose a different focus.
Put your attention onto something else. As difficult as it is to ignore the fair ground stall holder, that’s what’s required. If you go up to him and scream and shout for him to go away, things are likely to get even nastier :-)
At first it takes every ounce of inner strength to hold your attention onto something else, to ignore the unwanted thought. But as you persist, it gets easier and easier until eventually, the thought has no more power over you.
Ignore thoughts you don’t want and hold onto thoughts you do want. That is power! It’s the power to say yes or no. And the same applies to feelings, which are emotional reflections of thoughts.
Meditation is freedom…
…and that folks, is how you get rid of unwanted thoughts.
All the best,
Mike Kinnaird
Habit Guide: How to be Happy & Healthy
PS. This article is about two of the BIG factors for getting rid of unwanted thoughts – awareness and choice. Click here to read about the big picture and get all four factors working for you to get the best RESULTS.
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i will say this
I have just really started getting alot of unwanted thoughts and emotions that i try and try to get out of my head but they will not. Like you say the more attention i give them the worse they get
The one thing that really keeps me in touch is knowing that “I” am not having these thoughts
“I” would never do or say any of the thoughts
They are just thought loops i can not get out of.
For me it is a fear of the unknown, dieing, and just quetioning reality that i cannot get rid of
I have meditated many times and i will keep at it
This is a test in life and i am going to get an A
Hi Mike,
I like this article. I’m into affirmations and have found that when I get a little compulsive about things, as we all do from time to time, if I keep doing afirmations like ‘I am free from all obsessions and compulsions’ or ‘I am free of obsessive behaviour’ really works!
Warm wishes,
Gina
i watched the film 24 days later, i was and still am a bit scared about the fact that it could happen my mates said it could and it made me worse, i could’nt sleep endless night and the shadow of a threat was growing in my mind, i did’nt feal safe anywhere i went even if it was a fair with hundreds of people, i listened more, watched more and asked my parents for reashorence, they kept and still keep telling me its not real, but it only helps a bit, i ve got to sort it out, in my heart i know that it cant happen but in my mind its telling me it is and its looking at all aspects of possibility, im scared, and im still really young.
Hi Danny,
It’s a really really bad idea to watch horror when you’re young. Your mind will experience a movie like that as if it were almost real. The younger the mind the more it experiences it as real. But anyway, the damage is done — what to do?
I can tell you that this will won’t go on long but I would would suggest keeping your mind of it as much as possible. When you remember the film, shrug it off, tell yourself it’s just the movies then substitute the happiest thought you can — maybe remember a time you felt really really safe.
Be patient, it will go away… keep your mind off it. Please please stop watching horror movies.
I don’t even watch horror or even much news which to me is even more horrific than the movies and presents a completely distorted view of reality.
In truth, most people are kind, caring people and the few that aren’t would be if they knew how.
Email me if you want to talk it through (use the contact us form in the menu bar)
Take care and good luck.
Mike.
Hi Tom,
“I have meditated many times and i will keep at it.”
I found meditation to be an amazing process. I remember a story, might of been in “The Power of Now”, not sure, where this girl was driven crazy by all this anxiety and mental noise.
Then one day she sat by the river and just spontaneously started really really noticing the present moment… the sound of the river, a flower, birds and so on.
It was almost as if the internal noise had got so unbearable it almost forced her into the present moment. And all that internal noise went away in an instant. Point is we can just choose a different focus. We can do that.
Don’t know why I’m telling you this really, I just remembered it when I read your comment.
Hope you get that A :-) Meditation sure will inject a whole load of sanity into your life.
Mike.
thanks mike i feal better, im acctualy 14. so dose that mean that it will definetly go away and that my mind is more imaginative becaus im that young?
It will go away for sure be patient and see the fear for what it is… your mind thinks there is really something to fear but YOU know it was only a movie RIGHT?
Listen Danny, I know 10 year old kids who are scared of everything because they watch all this horror that has 18 on it. Believe me that isn’t cool. It’s 18 for a reason and to be honest I hate to think of what’s going on in the heads of the people who make all this trash.
Do yourself a big big favor and be very careful what you feed into your mind.
Yes, at 14 you are less able to discriminate between real and movie but I tell you, even adults will be affected in some way by what they watch.
Btw, your mates are trying to wind you up. If they see you’re scared they’ll probably think that’s hilarious. Oh the joys of being 14 eh?
Take care
Mike
I think meditation is the BEST thing a person can do–so helpful. Thank you for mentioning that in here.
Hi. My name’s Tom too so I’ve put my age next to my name to avoid confusion :)
I read about Danny’s problem and I can relate completely. Only my problem is I’ve read some really, *really* graphic content about things that have actually happened. It’s driving me crazy. Not literally I hope lol.
I won’t say what the stuff was about specifically because it doesn’t really need mentioning. It’s nothing embarassing or anything, just extremely disturbing. Evil, actually.
A thought that keeps coming into my head is the possibility that I myself could go on to do those things. I know I can’t possibly immitate any of it and I wouldn’t try to anyway! But logic doesn’t seem to be changing my mindset.
And of course the fact that the material was very real doesn’t do me any favours. It just makes the image stronger. I know it will all probably go at some point but I’d like to get to that point as fast as possible.
I know 16 isn’t really a mature age anyway. But this stuff was for public viewing! Well I don’t know who’s brainstorm that was but I’m seriously considering trying to get it removed.
Thanks and best wishes
Tom (the other one)
Hi Tom16
Are you saying that anyone can see this stuff — even young children? I hope you do try to get it removed.
It’s quite sad to me that children’s innocence is taken away by all this sick stuff. I do believe it has wide ranging damaging effects on individuals and societies.
I understand how your mind has now new possibilities that it’s exploring now you’ve seen this stuff and that is very very sad indeed.
Although you might well be conscious enough to see these thoughts for what they are, what about others? There will be some who do end up acting this stuff out or becoming so fascinated that that get deeply into it.
It’s all very disturbing.
There’s great beauty in a child’s innocence.
Exposure to disturbing and ‘evil’ elements is NOT a requirement for the development of a child.
Tom, I have a mental trick for thoughts and feelings I don’t want inside me. I imagine wrapping them in sheets of white, thin fine silk–and just keep wrapping until I can’t feel them or be aware of them anymore. It really works.
Then you can imagine that cocoon of silk with the bad stuff inside exploding in a billion tiny pieces that get scattered far into the universe.
Try it — it works :-)
Oh and one last thought. A clever guy once said “The worst things in my life never happened.” Think it might be Mark Twain. Definately a good idea to not imagine bad stuff and have these mental movies going on in your head.
Take care Tom16 and thanks for writing.
Mike.
hi mike, i m from india. i m also facing the same prob. i read all wat u said, but thing which i read will not last long much in my mind, after few days i will forget them and again face the same problem.
can u explain ur solution part in a better way.
Hi “myself”
I don’t know your specific problem so I’ll just talk about the case I mentioned in the article.
If the information lasts a few days I think that’s great! I suggest re-reading to remind yourself every few days til you “own it”
In my friends case, there are 2 components to his problem.
1. Belief that the unwanted thoughts serve him and warn of real danger.
2. Inability to choose the focus of attention.
1. If your fear is irrational, it means you need to use reason to fully understand how and why it’s irrational which will open the door to you being able to let go of it. For this you need to talk to others… friends, close family, trusted advisors etc until you understand that your fear is irrational. This is the easiest bit :-)
2. You need to choose the focus of your attention. To remove unwanted thoughts you need to consistently redirect your attention away from the thoughts you don’t want. You cannot fight them or stop them arising. It’s simply a matter of letting them come and go but not empowering them with your attention.
The single most powerful technique to teach you to do this is meditation. Do a little research and find a simple method that appeals to you. The method is not the important thing. Practice for 30 minutes every day and you’ll rapidly begin to untangle you sense of ‘I’ from thought, and you’ll be able to gain power over your attention. Attention is everything.
I can’t say it much better than that :-) If you give me some more details of your problem, I may be able to add some other ideas.
Thanks for your question and good luck! Let me know if I can help you further,
Mike.
Hi Mike,
Thanks a lot.
I like ur 2nd point.
“To remove unwanted thoughts you need to consistently redirect your attention away from the thoughts you don’t want. You cannot fight them or stop them arising. It’s simply a matter of letting them come and go but not empowering them with your attention.”
I immmediately able to do dat,
Bcoz of this, these thoughts does not affect me that much now.
but i always get scared,may be some other new -ve thoughts come to my mind, basically my heart become weaker by all these -ve thougths. coz mind continously try to think some other new -ve thought which can affect me and i also think very deeply abt any matter,which is also affecting me.
when these thoughts try to affect me,one more thing i do .I start counting table of 19,since i found it diffcult.
I m also reading books Like “Art of living”
But now i m quite normal by those of u r line which i mentioned above.
and as far as meditation is concern ,i used to concentrate on breathing in the morning for 25-30 min.
I found this Article, Great!!!!!!!!
Its Really Nice,can i have u r Email Id?.
Warm Wishes,
Myself
Hi “Myself”
So glad you were able to get immediate relief. It’s a powerful process for sure.
Regarding the fear of further negative thoughts…
This is just another thought-feeling in disguise. It’s not “you” either, just as the other unwanted thoughts aren’t you.
So the same technique applies. Don’t empower it with your attention but don’t fight it either.
Fighting it is just more attention.
I hope you keep up the meditation. It’s a wonderful thing :-)
Yes, I’ll write to you so you’ll have my email ID, it’s not a secret but we can’t put it on the web because of the spam bots! Grrr :-)
Mike.
P.S. I LOVE your 19 times table idea!! Can I use it for my book?! :-)
I usually advise just redirecting attention to something in the present moment say… birds chirping.
But powerful thought-feelings do need a powerful solution. Some find a mantra is great… or 19 times table!
Good stuff,
Mike.
Hi Mike:
Just stumbled upon your web site recently. Great site! I just had a quick question re your article on getting rid of unwanted thoughts. I too have thoughts like those, and have tried all sorts of things eg, herbs, etc, all to no avail UNTIL I recently started meditating. It really seems to be helping. What I was wondering is 1) how long and how often and 2) what type? I’m told putting a plug in your right nostril (Khalsa Yoga meditation) works better for OCD as the left nostril feeds the right side of the brain, where emotions and anxiety, etc are rooted.
Any thoughts?
Thx
Hi Drew!
1) 30 minutes a day works wonders. If you’re super keen, do 2 sessions a day for example, one in the morning, one in the evening — dawn and dusk are optimal times.
2) The method is not the important thing — which is that you have a focus and that you are aware of what that focus is. Having said that, I seem to get the best results with passage meditation. This is slowly saying an inspirational spiritual passage mentally.
This is great for keeping track of “where you are” because as you know, it’s all to easy to get lost in thought.
3) I wouldn’t plug any nostrils. The meditation is the thing with the greatest power. Alternate nostril breathing is a great thing to do though to create balance. You could do some pranayama for five minutes as a prelim to the meditation.
If you have time, asana, pranayama, meditation is a great sequence!
Let me know how you get on or if you need any more help.
Mike.
Hi Mike:
Thanks for getting back to me. I’ll try and do two sessions as you suggest, plus read Habit Guide which I just purchased. I’ll also try passage meditation and see if that helps as well.
Thanks again, and I’ll let you know what I think of your book!
Drew
Very good post. So much of our lives are governed by the way we think. Brian Tracy says that “we are what we think about most of the time”. This is based on the law of correspondance, which means our outer world is a reflection of our inner world. Once again.. great post!!
I found some understanding at last i thought I was the only weird one but it seems to be happening to others.I go to church pray when i get this bad thought and fear that seems to come out of no where.I will not get consumed by them I will arise from all this and be a motivational speaker some day to help others that feel traped.I will start mediation and see how it goes i have the power to overcome these thoughts.
Hi ana,
It’s funny… when I was younger I thought everyone was doing great except me! As I got older, folks started opening up to me and telling me their deepest secrets I realized we’re all a bit “weird” in our own way. I love your positive attitude. I hope you get to do that motivational speaking one day soon.
Good luck!
Mike.
hi i have scary thoughts that i might get exercisom
write me back i beg u i cant keep my mind off it and i cant think of other things so plz help me i do need help not mentely physicly
thnx
Hi Chloe,
I’ve emailed you privately about your problem.
Mike.
i just wanted to say u r the best
Thank you Chloe! :-) Good luck. Write any time.
hello,
I’m asking on behalf of my boyfriend, he has always issues where he puts himself down and has loss issues.
Since we started dating he’s said I’m his light and I always make him feel better about himself, But lately self esteem issues have gotten worse. He worries all the time about every one around me, and has started to build up hatred for going out in public. I’m really starting to worry about him.
We have a long distance relationship and I know once we bridge the gap he will either get better or worse.
I need all the help I can get.
Please help,
Sara
Hi Sara,
As strange as it may seem, self esteem and loss issues are not seperate from what your boyfriend eats, whether he exercises and his sleep habits — as well as a lot of other lifestyle issues. When life throws in a curve ball, we need to be ready. We cope the best when we’re in tip top shape mentally and physically.
The resolution of his problem is lifestyle and habits — along with some specifics to re-direct unhelpful repetitive thought patterns.
As I said in the article, meditation is the ultimate freedom because it untangles the sense of I from thought itself. Once there is this precious distance, one can look at thoughts with a discerning view and say yes or no. It’s about attention, and being the master of our attention.
You may indeed be his light, but also you may be in for a tough ride before, and if, this is resolved. It’s going to take a willingness on your boyfriends part to do what it takes and that depends on different and unique factors such as if he has HAD ENOUGH of the suffering.
Low self esteem is definitely related to repetitive negative thoughts and it could take while.
Very best wishes,
Mike
I was diagnosed with ocd about 6 years ago, but it is at its worst now.
I keep on seeing these scarey images in my mind and i can’t make them go away. My mind forces me to see these horrible images and there is nothing i can do to stop them. They drive me crazy and make me really depressed. Please offer me some help. I would really appreciate it.
Hi Tania,
I did reply to your message via our contact form but I guess it’s gone into your spam box. Hotmail does that. GRRRRRR :-)
Anyway this was my reply to you;
———-
Make sure I’m listed in your address book and let’s do this by email ok.
Dear Matt,
My ocd is more pure “o”, just obsessive thoughts. I guess i could say that the images i see in my mind are intrusive thoughts. Anything from a scary movie or something i saw in a magazine or iwitnessed in life, just tends to replay in my mind over and over. I’ve tired cognitive therapy and different medications, manily paxil and seroquel, but nothing seems to work. I know you said not to pay attention to the thoughts, but how do i do that if they appear so often in my mind. What can i do to make them go away? I just want to live a normal life. Is there any hope for me?
Thank you for ur time,
Tania
Hi Tania,
You can’t make them go away, they go away on their own when you stop paying attention and attaching importance and meaning to them.
That’s why meditation is key because you learn “here is me” and “there is the thought/image.”
Without this spaciousness, your attention can easily be sucked into powerful thoughts such as these. Without the distance you won’t be able to let go so easily.
My friend in the article wouldn’t meditate btw. He just wouldn’t do it and he made amazing progress with just the “not paying attention” technique. It took a long time (approx 2 years) though and was a two step forward and one step back type of progress.
In his case, the thoughts were backed by powerful beliefs that the thoughts actually protected him from imagined danger. The danger wasn’t real — except in his mind. It took literally years of reasoning for him to let go of the belief and so then he was able gradually to let go of the thoughts.
He would never have let go of the thoughts while he still believed they served him i.e. warned him of actual danger.
I don’t think there is anything structurally wrong with your brain or anything. I find that sensitive people are prone to OCD and they are intellegent.
These problems often contain individual subtleties that I can’t comment on in your case because I don’t know they are.
But what you describe isn’t so far away from the experience of ordinary people when they watch a horror movie say. I know I can be shaken for a little while afterwards — but it’s a matter of degree. You clearly are more sensitive to disturbing ideas and images than Joe Average.
That being the case, it makes sense to try and limit your exposure to potentially disturbing stuff. For example, I watch very little news because I find it negative and it bothers me so I rarely watch it. It serves no valuable purpose so I don’t do it.
Also worth noting is that a not insignificant part of the population is sensitive to caffeine. Stimulants can make sensitive people hyper-sensitive so that’s something to be aware of.
Generally increasing your relaxation will pay dividends with this problem. Get into a solid routine at bedtime where you slowly wind down and finish with relaxation exercises — perhaps a CD of guided relaxation before sleep.
Little things like cutting sown on caffeine and habitual relaxation make a BIG difference.
Reprogram your reaction to these “fear flashes” by noticing them calmly, recognizing they are made by part of your brain that thinks it serves you, that they in themselves cause no danger to you at all, and calmly let them go by paying attention to something else.
If the image cause a knee-jerk tension in you then consciously relax the tense body parts. Your new habit of bed-time relaxtion will teach you how to do this.
If you have time and the inclination, get into Yoga. The breathing, relaxation, meditation and exercises will gradually transform you into such a calm person you won’t recognize yourself :-)
In answer to your question “how do I let go of these unwanted thoughts when they keep repeating over and over.” The answer is you keep ignoring them over and over by the process I mentioned above. The part of your brain that produces these “fear flashes” cannot tell the difference between a real event and something you saw on TV or a magazine. That’s why sensitive people like you and me need to remember that and limit our exposure.
By consciously noticing and calmly ignoring, you repeatedly tell that part of your brain that there is nothing to fear and you reprogram the “fear flash” into a relaxation response. It takes calm persistance to do what it takes.
You can substitute a positive thought too if it helps and this too will re-channel the energy behind the fear. If you saw a frightened child you would speak calmly, say positive things and reassure there is no danger. These instinctive reactions to someone else’s fear show the natural solutions so you can give yourself the same treatment. Speak calmly, positively and reassuringly to the fearful part.
Keep reassuring the part that there’s nothing fear, it’s all ok, it can forget to tell you about that thing again.
Do that if it helps. It’s optional.
OK quick recap of the process. You get a sudden fear flash. You become tense. Notice it and reassure yourself “oh that’s only the movie, nothing to fear.” Consciously relax. Pay attention to something else.
Repeat this process over and over til the fear goes.
Don’t look out for fear flashes coming. Don’t be on your guard at all. Stay relaxed and focused as much as possible on other things.
I do think there is hope for you. I see this as an extreme example of what everyone experiences when they see disturbing images.
I hope this is clear. It’s quite a tricky subject to put into words. Let me know what you think of all this. As I said, I can only talk in general terms because I don’t know all the details of your case.
Mike.
Hi Mike this is Tania,
I really appreciate the time and effort you spent writing me back. I think you are such a nice person to consider helping people like me. It really gives me hope and encouragement. I was wondering if u have a degrgee in mental health or anything like that since you know so much. I will try to do what u said about not [giving] the thoughts/images any attention and redirect my focus to something else. I think of it as such a blessing from God for letting me get help from a person like you. Thank you so much.
Hi Tania,
Feedback like yours makes it all worthwhile for me. Not a degree no — 20 years meditation and of course, I’m also human so I have experienced the same things.
A lot of those years I guess I was meditating many hours a day because I was in bed with extreme low energy states and there was nothing else to do :-)
Meditation is such an amazing process. I recommend it highly to everyone. It’s about finding the real you — what you naturally are and dis-identifying with the “made-up” you — ideas you have about yourself “I am this, I am that, I think this, I think that.”
Compassion is the result of meditation because compassionate is what we naturally are.
Another thought I had about your problem is that as much as possible, try to be in a supportive and loving environment. If you experience “real” fear in everyday life — an angry boss or partner for example, then your “general fear volume” is turned up. You’d be on your guard more which is not good for sensitive people.
So that’s just something to be aware of more long-term. Things like environment can’t be changed overnight but by keeping in mind that you want and need a loving environment, you’ll begin to move towards that.
Bottom line: stay away from people who don’t support you.
I’m really happy to help Tania. It’s truly my pleasure. If you try those suggestions and see how you get on, and report back, there may be little ideas that come out of taking this step that are individual to you, so let me know if you need more help getting totally clear on this.
I wish you the best of luck!
Mike.
Dear Matt,
I’ve tried to ignore the the thoughts/images that come in my mind and try to focus on something else, but my mind is continuously telling me to focus on the things i don’t want. Why won’t my mind listen to me? Why won’t it let me focus on the something that i like instead of something that scares me. I seriously think that my mind is evil and working
me. How can i train my mind to not focus on these things and focus on
something else.
Love Tania
p.s. i hope u don’t mind me writing to you so much. i just really think that
the first time in my life i can trust someone who understands what i’m going through. i think u are an angel. your my last hope
Hi Tania,
I don’t mind you writing at all. Write as much as you like to.
There is no evil there in your mind. These thoughts have a lot of power thats all. They repeat their conditioning, that’s what they do. Your attention empowers that process.
My mind will sometimes randomly throw in what you would describe as an evil thought. It’s only by meditation, that I see it’s random rubbish.
For example on rare occasions, a racist thought may surface. It’s just a culturally conditioned thought — not me. I’m not racist at all, just the thought. I recognize it as attitudes and emotions in others that got embedded in me.
The thought was put there by my culture. For example if you hang out with people who have a certain attitude, your mind will begin to take on the same attitude very quickly.
Have you ever spent time with a new friend and within only a few hours, you notice yourself taking on their mannerisms? That’s how the mind works.
Now imagine how every human contact has affected you since birth. Your character is made up of thought habits you had about your enivronment — the sum total of what you focused on and took “on-board” from all your connections with life.
To be truly free you have to control this process. You have to be able to choose — to say “yes” or “no” to conditioning.
There is no other way than to “go higher” through meditation and if that feels scary to you then start with relaxation tapes and CD which will get you out of any states of anxiety you are in.
Anxiety magnifies the process of taking on new conditioning massively. This is totally natural. A dangerous situation such as say a lion attacking you needs you total attention and a hyper alert state.
This is why, by the way, that childhood trauma can result in OCD later on. It starts a chain that eventually becomes hard to stop.
This is early days for you Tania. I think it’s wonderful you’ve made a start but changing your mind takes a while.
Thoughts don’t go away overnight because they’re part of your “program” — conditioning. You change that over time by contolling your attention or specifically, withdrawing attention from thoughts you don’t want.
You have to learn to become the driver of your own mental car so-to-speak.
So, relaxation will remove the anxiety component to this problem adnd that is so so important. I urge you to do relaxation exercises. Put your attention inside your body and feel for tension throughout your whole body, breath deeply and so on. Learn how to do that.
20 odd years ago I was a “walking head.” All my attention was in my head and it took me many years to “get out of my head.”
You also need to learn that process of putting attention into your body, feeling and releasing tension consiously.
These “evil” thoughts. Have a sense of humor about them of you can. Laugh at them! Don’t take them seriously. They are there because of cultural and personal conditioning and that is all.
They are not you. Because you are the one who can notice them.
PERSISTANCE with this is the key. You cannot stop a thought arising because to do so is giving it more attention, and so turning up it’s volume.
Remember the stall holder example in the article? It’s hard to hold your attention onto something else but practice practice practice and these thoughts “volume” will start to be turned down.
And over the next weeks and months, if you do what it takes, the volume will diminish until they go away altogether.
Attention turns the volume up and focusing AWAY turns the volume down. That’s why I said the solution is SIMPLE because it’s only a matter of attention. Are you paying attention to these thoughts or not. That’s the only criteria that matters.
Thoughts have a sense of importance attached. You can laugh at that. They are not important and you are free to let them go.
Keep it simple — don’t pay them the slightest attention. How do you ignore someone in real life? It’s the same. You know how to do it.
Relax and ignore. Be persistance is the process. Be clear about the process.
You only need to choose your attention when the evil thoughts come. Turn away from them. The stronger the thought/image the more intensely you try to focus onto something else.
Mike (not matt :-)
hi,
my names tyler,im 18, and in college, okay about two weeks ago i was laying in bed, and i suddenly got an unwanted bad thought, it troubled me up to this day, and i cant ever seem to get rid of it, im not that type of person when the thought came into process, but…it did freak me out quite a bit and now im constantly questioning myself over and over and at times it goes away and other times it comes back..i know itll go away eventually but just the fact that its here…it is just so ANNOYING!!..
but i will appreciate help and some tips on meditation or whatever way there is to get out of it..and another thing, is this just a phase?
Hi Tyler,
Thanks for your question. The good news is that by being proactive now, you stop it becoming a potential problem down-the-line. First thing is to stop questioning about it but just notice it when it comes with curiosity. Really resist the temptation to question or give it any importance at all.
Strong, persistent and problematic thoughts such as those in OCD are probably best paid no attention at all in the intital stages because they can trigger powerful emotions very quickly but with you, I think the thought is mild enough to give it the curiosity treatment.
Just look at it curiously when it comes and then let it go and pay attention to something else.
Don’t engage it or follow a line of thought related to it or anything like that.
If you want to start meditation which is a wonderful thing to do, then perhaps try zen breath counting meditation. It’s a good one and perhaps the simplest one. The method is not the essential thing but that there is a conscious focus and preferrably a feedback system to show you where you got lost (e.g. counting)
Let me know how you get on,
Best wishes and good luck
Mike.
hey mike!
thanks a who lot man! i took up the idea of retracing my steps of when it first occured and went over it with a family member, they went along with me helping, and this may seem strange, but meditating on the fact and getting deep into it or retracing my steps to that night truely sparked the fire and the fact also becuase i remember going through some other emotional things that night. Other than that theres that good saying “keep asking and it will be given to you” or “keep searching and you will find it” its awesome mike and once again thanks! ill keep in touch with you if anything else comes up
sincerely,
Tyler
P.s. keep up the good work Mike!!!
Hi Tyler!
Great you found relief. It sure can be a comfort to trace the cause although it’s not always possible if the problems is like 20 years old or something.
My friend always wanted to know “Why is this happening?” In his case too, although a very old problem, we did trace the cause and like you, he got some relief from that which helped let go of the problem.
Knowing the cause isn’t essential in my view though, only in-as-much as it helps you to let go of it.
Yes… keep in touch!
God bless,
Mike.
Hi Mike,
I am currently in a horrid state of anxiety, obsessive thought and depression.
I’ll try and tell my story as simply as possible.
Around 3 months ago I started ago going out with my best friend (whom for privacy reasons we will name X). Before then, she was my best friend for over 2 years. She knows absolutely everything about me, my deepest secrets; which if were to be exposed on a widespread level, would cause me much pain and embarrassment. I know everything about her as well. This really set the foundation for a good relationship, which we both agreed would be long term (i.e. eventual marriage). I have always been one to analyze my thoughts in the past, but around 3 weeks ago a thought of doubt came into my mind concerning her. She did nothing to trigger this off. We have a very stable, honest, open relationship. I held onto that negative thought and latched onto it. I was scared and concerned that it was the truth. I then continued to combat that thought with good thoughts of X. These would only assist in giving it further ammunition. And it did.
Eventually I was thinking thoughts such as feelings for my other best friends (who are friends with X as well), I began to mock her (attack her qualities) in my head from time to time, then that advanced to having thoughts of being violent (I am a very peaceful and caring person), I would also silently in my head mock my family and have violent thoughts there as well, evil thoughts basically. These thoughts were basically against my very core, but my analytical nature forced me to consider them. Later that week I went to my counsellor, and I had really dug a hole from where I started. She advised me on mindfulness and living in the moment. She didn’t go into too much detail. I felt fairly good after this and continued my day. But then the thoughts entered again over the weekend. I couldn’t stand the thoughts which were entering my brain and attacking her and ultimately my core being. I ended up breaking it up with her (keep in mind that I told her every single thought that went through my head, I was completely honest). We were both still in love with eachother, but I was so lost in my thoughts that it was bringing us both down.
Whilst we agreed to be best friends, we couldn’t resist our closeness and intimacy. We continued to be intimate. We began to get confused why we broke up in the first place. The negative thoughts to some extent were a bit weaker because I had been practising mindfulness and living in the moment. I thought I would be strong enough to be with her again. I put it down to that I hadn’t really a clue that weekend previously on how to manage the obsessive thoughts.
We got back together around a week ago. It was good for the first couple of days, I still had the negative thoughts but not to such a great extent. They came from time to time and then suddenly one day they really ripped at my core. I began questioning what these thoughts meant. I thought maybe they had some underlying reason. A big question which has been on my mind – how can you differentiate negative feelings, with the truth? For weeks I had told myself – ‘I know what’s in my heart. I love X. Don’t analyze as it only creates doubt’. Eventually my mind began to attack my heart, and questioned whether I really loved her at all as more than a friend. She has cute mannerisms you see, and before these all came in I loved them, I never gave them a second thought. But the way my mind was building up it started to attack those. I couldn’t stop the thoughts coming in. From time to time my mind was slipping and I felt I needed to combat these by thinking positive thoughts about her. I began to struggle when I thought about her in a good way, because the thoughts would come and attack that. I also started to question – what is the difference between best friends and bf/gf? Is it just physical love? I feel so strongly for my best friends, that I ended up so confused.
I broke up with her again two days ago. It was fairly mutual. She could see that I wasn’t strong enough to go on and that it was hurting me and also her. We have exams around this period and she was struggling to cope with my problems. It was becoming a bit much for her to constantly be helping me. Exams are a very stressful time so this is entirely understandable, and relying on one person too much has it’s drawbacks.
So we agreed to be best friends again. I thought maybe this would cease thoughts a little so I could get back on track. Even though, my feelings of bf/gf love weren’t as strong my mind is still attacking her core and her mannerisms. It’s almost been telling me that I should severe all ties. Which is not what I want. I feel sick thinking about my life without her. My mind has been linking back to other events in my past, where people would frustrate me. I ended eventually severing ties with them, but there were other facotrs there (both of those people I thought about from my past treated me poorly). Because I gave in to some extent, through breaking up, I’m in a state of mind where I’m capable to continue giving in. I need to combat this.
I don’t want this to continue anymore. I’ve been seeing my counsellor twice a week for the last couple of weeks. I’m just afraid, that these feelings are the truth and are linked with my past. I’v tried to some extent to relax, but with exams pressing, my brain is having difficulty distracting itself. I know what’s truly in my heart. But my mind is running rampage at the moment.
Please help me get rid of these thoughts. I can’t see an end to this at the moment, and I feel sick that I’v given in to these thoughts, which originally had no meaning. But now they continue to play on my mind.
Thank you so much. It would mean the absolute world to me to hear your advice.
God bless.
I also feel very hopeless right now..
I can’t seem to get out of this spiral. I’m so exhausted and worn out.
GAH
Dear Anon,
Firstly I’m quite surprised at the lucidity and insightful nature of your description of events.
The intensity of unwanted thought problems is related to your general level of consciousness and it really seems to me that you are a highly conscious person i.e. not fully identified with thoughts.
Your problem is actually a wonderful description of how a little, fairly innocent thought can become insidious if given enough attention.
It seems to me that an additional layer of pain is heaped on by the fact that you really love this girl. Losing soneone you love is hard at the best of times but when it’s your own self destructive thoughts that cause it, it’s no suprise you’re confused and depressed.
I don’t know all the subtleties of your situation so please bear that in mind;
I think a massive factor in this could be the impending exams. Stress — the fight or flight mode puts us in a physiological state really not meant for calm rational thinking. Low level stress is low level irrationality.
The exams are there, they’re real and need to be faced so I feel it would be good to line things up in the best way to get over what is a big mile-stone in life and then deal with relationship fall-out later on.
Lining things up means making peace with your girl. Tell it was all your fault, tell her you love her, tell you still care for her but that with the exams coming up and your head all over the place, you can’t think straight. In other words, try to “pause” that. Put on hold if possible so you can sort yourself out and your head out,
Second, get your health on track. Get a solid sleep pattern, listen to chill-out music and relaxation tapes, have warm baths, gets some exercise and eat some fruit and veg.
All these things play into the situation you’re in and therefore you can affect how you feel about everything by being calm and well rested. Get out of fight or flight asap, then you’ll see things in a different way.
As far as specifics to do with the thoughts: If your anxious… you need exercise. You have zero chance of getting clarity or thinking sanely whilst even in a mild state of anxiety.
Anxiety can become a trigger to RUN. Burn off that adrenaline asap.
After that… listen to your heart. You love this girl, i know it. Trust your heart, and so these thoughts by contrast seem silly and incongruent.
I think you can recognize them as conditioning, you have that awareness to see you created this, by playing around with one little thought. That’s the power of attention.
The beautiful thing is that this awareness will now be with you for life and you’ve learned a powerful lesson about how dangerous it is to play about and give attention to dysfunctional thoughts.
Anyway, I think I’ll leave it there just for now because you may be able to shed some more light by reading this.
There is great hope here I think. Get rid of adrenaline, relax, speak nicely to your girl, pay no attention to dysfunctional thoughts and trust your heart.
Oh and get some early nights and eat fruit! :-)
That’s a job list for you :-)
I know you have a crisis here — the sooner the better for getting on top.
I’m here for you.
Mike.
p.s. the advice about mindfulness is spot on.
Anon
I dwelled on this some more;
What would I actually do if I was you right now? Clear and simple solutions — bearing in mind that we both agree that the thoughts themselves have no validity and are simply a product of your attention.
Being in such a crisis state has one simple effective solution and that is walking, mindful walking.
It’s cheap and you can do it by just stepping outside your door. It will burn off adrenaline and the rythmic nature of walking can calm you down. You’ll also sleep better.
So I would walk walk walk keep doing it ’til you feel better!
Don’t dwell on your problems — just be present. Solutions can come from a calm and open state.
So anyway, that’s the result of my dwelling and that’s what I would do in your situation right now.
I’d walk — ’til I dropped if necessary :-)
Mike.
Really appreciate your response Mike. It means alot that I got such a lenghtly and useful response in such a short time. Thanks for your support.
In relation to your reply; we’re in a fairly peaceful situation at the moment. She knows that I love her, she knows my situation. The bf/gf feelings I have for her have been reduced quite a bit. I think that until I’m on my feet mentally again, I can consider being with her. I don’t know how long that will be however. My problem has being placing too much significance on little thoughts. Like I think every thought has an underlying message. It is comforting that she said that it didn’t matter for the moment as in a number of days, months, years etc. we eventually will get back together. Between now and that time, who knows what will happen. But she agrees I have to get back on my feet, mentally; no matter how I feel.
The more I think about my feelings, the more there’s a chance for distortion. I saw my counsellor tonight, and said similar things to what you suggested. It’s all down to not placing so much signifance on thoughts, and live to some extent not so analytical and be a bit more carefree.
I’m not longer going to be discussing my mind with X. Simply because it’s not helping either of us, and ultimately I want us to have fun as best friends.
What are your thoughts on this?
Thank you so much once again.
God Bless
hey mike
its me again lol..hey on the thought process of tracing back to the moment and gettting rid of it..well out of all honesty ive dealt with it alot better but at times it comes back and brings me down im tired of it..but what i really want to know is what is it?is it just the fact that when it happened it scared me?cuz i never had it before and it screwed me up for a bit and i just want to know if itll seriously ever mildly begin to fade away, because since then its been easy to deal with along with the fact that it is in a way fading more and more
write me back when you get the chance, because idk if its due to the fact that i dont have much going on in life, meaning like im bored all day and i currently do not have a job and im just going to school, or maybe my mind has a habit to think about this nonsense at times
thanks mike
Hi Anon,
Carefree yes. The problem is that any time you try to “become” something like carefree, you create an image and then act it out. It’s role playing. You play the role of carefree.
You should become who you are naturally by letting go of all mental labels about yourself. This is hard but you do it by meditation.
The gf situation is stable so that is good. It goves you space to settle a while.
As far as discussing your feelings and thoughts with x: I think you are open and honest and that is a wonderful quality only in-as-much as it is a natural quality and not a forced ideal.
When you are in a calm place, your awareness naturally expands and any action you take comes out of that awareness. You will then tend to do what is right for the whole situation.
In that state, openess and honesty tend to shine through because you have a greater connection — a true connection which those around you.
The goal is to find your natural self by letting go of all the mental stuff.
In general, don’t attach importance to thoughts. When a thought comes that is important, you’ll recognize it anyway by it’s qualities of intensity and “rightness.”
Let go of as much as possible and live in the present moment.
Be mindful ALWAYS of the present and meditate as much as possible.
And don’t forget your health. Mind is not independent of body.
Mike.
Hi again Tyler,
Yes I would say boredom is a factor because attention is everything. If you’re bored, then you have more time to dwell on dangerous ideas :-) The devil makes work… and all that.
Boredom seems to me to be created when a person is quite entrenched in ego-consciousness. Because the ego mind wants entertainment, it always wants to be entertained and gets bored when there’s no entertainment.
I remember reading a while back about someone who meditated for two whole days or something and was just fascinated for hours by ants on the wall.
I get this. Fascination and deep contentment are aspects of your true self. In fact, in NLP, fascination is considered to be “the most desirable state.”
There are many factors playing into your situation — your level of awareness, fear of the initial thought, yes, boredom, giving the thought undue importance.
The state of fear or anxiety amplifies the process of conditioning many many times. So I can see that if the inital thought you had scared you, then that’s what amplified it and made it a problem.
The only process you need to fully be clear on is that you ignore unwanted thoughts. Attention is everything.
These thoughts have a primitive mechanism. You need discernment to be above that. I.e. you choose “yes” or “no” to every thought.
Thoughts are not you, you must choose which ones to hold on to and which to let go. Choose carefully :-)
If they are dying away it’s because you’re paying less attention.
Cheers!
Mike.
thanks mike!..but i do have one more question to ask lol well for now..but do foreign thoughts that you usually do not have and they pop into mind randomly, can those thoughts affect somebody? like you said thoughts arent you and its incredible how the mind works, it was all becuase of one night that i was laying in bed and randomly this dumb thought of what would happen if i shot myself popped into mind, yet im not that type of person and that thought wasnt me and it wasnt out of choice,and to top that i did have a gun in my house which of course just fueled the fire even more freaking the heck out of me i started thinking if im mentally ill and just fear and soon it just bundled up messing up my mental state and to this day it still lingers there as if its a habit to think about it i hate it
Hi Tyler,
I can really see now why this thought upset you! Of course, you can’t seperate the thousands of other life factors including ever thought you ever had, from your state of mind right now.
What triggered this doesn’t really matter as much as what you do with it. For all you know it could have been a movie you saw when you were 10 years old. Perhaps sensory impressions triggered a memory, perhaps you were feeling low as well, it could be so many things.
I wanted to die many many times during 13 years of living hell with chronic fatigue. During that time my mental state was mainly one of groggy foggy hangover and a feeling that I would like a big hole to open up and swallow me whole :-)
If that helps any :-)
You could just be amused by the random thought. I guess the fact that it was so out of character is what shocked you so much. I can really understand that.
Try to really take on the attitude that it’s just silly thoughts. Be light hearted about it.
It’s so easy to create mental monsters by focusing on dysfunctional thoughts. I really think the amount of negativity in film and on TV as well as the values of society make it really hard for many young people whose minds are so impressionable.
I saw a TV program last night about an eight year old with anorexia. No different from my perspective than OCD or many other mental issues. It’s different aspects of the same issues;
Poor enviroment — too much negativity and not enough love and nurture. Not enough education for kids to “know themselves.”
Will finish this in a bit… need to go just now :-)
bfn
Mike.
Hi again Tyler,
Ok I’ll try to finish your question now :-) I was going off at a tangent anyway.
Random thoughts can be conditioning that are triggered by another thought or even a smell or an external event. It could be so many things like I said.
And so many things also play into the quality of thoughts you have… like if you are well rested, have eaten well, whether you feel good about your life and so on.
It’s all incredibly complex but in terms of what you need to do it’s incredibly simple. You choose “do I pay attention to this or not.”
Thoughts are information that’s all. Some are quality thoughts and some are garbage — a lot depends on the quality you “put in.” You know, garbage in, garbage out!
The fear reaction you had to the thought is probably why it’s hanging around. If you think about it, it’s emotional fear that you attach to images in scary films that keep them coming back.
When you fear something you tell your mind you’re in danger and so naturally, that primitive part of the mind will do it’s best to protect you from what you fear. It will keep reminding you about the danger!
You have to tell that part that the fear is gone by attaching “unimportance” to that thought now. Having the attitude “oh that’s just that silly thought” and ignoring it, it will go away it time.
What you don’t do is fuel it by attention. Attention turns up the volume, ignoring turns down the volume.
Remember that and you have tremendous power over your life. “Do I pay attention to this or not.” One of the most powerful things you can say to yourself!!
Mike.
exactly! mike thats just what it is and like i said im not that type of person at all..and i thank you alot mike your a powerful great guy and i know that you help people out in times of annoying thoughts!
mike GOd bless you
tyler
Thank you Tyler. Peace :-)
so can this maybe be a symptom of OCD?..because i do understand that OCD invovles constant unwanted thoughts that could be very uncomfortable
Hi Tyler,
From my perspective. OCD is just a label for an extreme example of the issues we all face.
Anyone can create a monster by focusing on a scary thought and building and building until it’s obsessive and compulsive. It’s a matter of degree.
Keep it simple. Choose “yes” or “no.” Do I give this attention or not?
Like I said in the article, putting your attention onto something else is sometimes hard but you do your best.
The fact that you asked this questions tells me you’re probably still dwelling on this.
How do you ignore someone in real life even if they are bugging you? You “ignore.” You don’t give attention even when they are demanding it.
The thought is primitive. It thinks it serves you because you initially attached great importance to it.
Don’t think around this. DON’T try to figure out how to get rid of it, what it means, if you’re ill, if you’re going to get ill, what triggered it, why is it here, Am I crazy?
All this is more attention which FEEDS it.
No attention to do with anything related to this thought. As you become aware of something related to this, focus intensely on an external object. Do it quick, nip it in the bud. You’ll get good at it and then it will become a good habit.
Don’t be on your guard. When a thought comes, you have a simple plan, don’t look for it or watch for it coming. That is more attention.
No attention.
Hi there Mike.
I won’t go into detail too much because I need to study for exams. But last week a [moderated] thought came into my head. Unfortunately I’ve latched onto it. I don’t believe it for a second, but it’s getting in the way of my brain and thinking. I am really over this. Please help what can I do?
I know it’s not true, but I need it out of my brain.
Hi Anon,
There’s so many factors feeding into what thoughts arise that there’s no point trying to untangle all that.
Habit is a massive factor, but also your lifestyle — whether you slept well, stress levels, nutrition and so-on.
The content of the thought or what made it come up are not the important things.
As you say… you KNOW the thought is wrong/dysfunctional.
Choose.
“yes” or “no” to giving it more attention.
Attention is everything. Attention is the volume control for thoughts.
Last night I had a deepy disturbing dream. Luckily I know what to do but I can easily see how it would be easy to dwell on that dream I had — what does it mean? Is it a premonition? Blah blah.
I know that attention is the key. Even though there are still emotional reminants from that dream that linger, I know they’ll go in a little while if I pay no attention and attach no importance to flashes from the dream or the emotions.
You can’t get rid of unwanted thoughts directly. You do it by letting them go — by not attaching importance to them and then paying attention to something else.
A critical component is your level of consciousness of ability to disidentify with the content of thought and say “here I am and there is the thought/feeling.”
Be careful what you feed your mind and what you pay attention to!
Let me know how you get on.
Mike
Thanks Mike. It just get’s extremely difficult once I latch on to let go. As I’ve told you before about X. Since I last spoke, we’ve gotten back together again. Because I know that the thoughts aren’t true and that I love her. And it’s hurting both of us by attaching meaning to my thoughts. Just lately following a small argument we had, some thoughts have gotten into my brain. Just small things which I’ve been analysing, which are really starting to frustrate me. Just in relation to how much she talks to me, and what she says to me. I really don’t wanna think about those negative thoughts, because I know they’re not real at all. But equally, I want to be able to think about her in general. Like nice thoughts about everything about her. But I want to do this without suddenly triggering my mind off. Thoughts?
Thank you again so much.
Hi Anon,
Lifestyle is the solution to better quality thoughts. In the moment, once a thought arises, you choose “yes” or “no” to giving it more attention.
You, at least, can recognize that the quality of these thoughts are poor. Therefore choose “no.”
Yes it is very difficult once you latch on. The very word you used there implies attachment and ownership.
You chose “yes” at an earlier point and built this thought up and made it part of “you.” You attached yourself.
The low level stress of your exams will be playing into this. Are you in “fight or flight” mode or relaxed? Anxiety states produce very irrational thoughts because that state is not designed for you to be rational. It’s designed to save your life in a crisis, when your life is threatened. It’s not a state you want to be in for more than a few seconds.
To think better thoughts about x and about your life you need to address all your lifestyle factors. Every single thing affects every other thing.
Listen to relaxation cd’s, exercise, eat plenty of fruits and veg, MEDITATE! Evern a few minutes a day will help.
Get all the lifestyle factors into a habit so that creating quality thoughts is effortless.
Body and mind are not separate. For example — the disturbing dream I had? Because I ate late at night. Partially digested food affects your brain! It’s the same blood circulating in your brain as the rest of your body.
Everything affects every other thing. Walking is a great balancer in a crisis.
It’s a two prong attack :-) In the moment it’s always simple — “yes” or “no.” But the quality of thoughts AND you ability to say yes or no depend on your overall STATE of being and that is caused by your lifestyle.
What do you think about that?
Mike.
That makes a lot of sense Mike, thanks. Really appreciate your reply. My counsellor said also that he is expecting that these thoughts will decrease dramatically once exams are over
Anon,
I had a couple more ideas about your situation. It seems that certain things about x are irritating you?
Your relationship obviously has complexities that I’m not aware of but maybe you’re not communicating 100%?
If something she does is irritating then it’s perfectly ok to say so as long as it’s done in a loving way so that she doesn’t take it as an attack on her.
Do it light-heartedly with a smile and it will be ok.
If I have something to say, I usually “file it” and mark it “to be brought up at the opportune moment.”
The moment will come and you can drop in what you need to say with a smile and a loving heart.
Hope this helps,
Mike.
Cheers Mike. Yeah. Some small things were, but I brought them up today and it’s better now.
So you’re saying by the way, (just reading over your previous comment)that whenever I feel or think something I don’t wanna feel; distract myself and reshape? No matter what the thought? Because I got one about one of my good friends whose a girl. I wanna still be able to see her and talk to her without that thought coming along. Would you say it’s just a matter of ignoring it till it goes? And just getting my lifestyle back in order without analysing?
Hi Anon,
Exactly right.
Hi there again Mike
I was wondering, (and it may not be your field of expertise) your view on looking at other girls. I find it really counterproductive. Because I seem to latch onto those feelings, and almost end up comparing. I know people normally can be able to look or ‘check out’ other people whilst going out. I want to be able to think someone is attractive without having to attach negative thoughts to these.
Any ideas? Sorry to constantly write in!
God bless
“I want to be able to think someone is attractive without having to attach negative thoughts to these.”
Then do that :-) Sounds like a plan to me :-)
It hadn’t escaped me that a lot of these unwanted thoughts are to do with girls :-)
Being attracted to other girls is perfectly natural. That is just nature and it’s also just information in the sense that you only ever experience your own nervous system.
Your instintive conditioning creates the feelings of attraction.
What you DO with that information is your choice (ideally).
I have to tell you that inital attraction can quickly turn into something else once you get to really know the person!
If you are going out with x, then wanting someone else is going to damage your relationship. Is that what you want?
You always have choice.
There’s a big difference between looking and seeking. Enjoy what is natural but choose what’s best for you and those around you.
I think your above plan is a good one, go for that.
Mike
p.s. you think too much. :-)
Try not actively thinking for a while and rather, see what thoughts arise.
After a while, you’ll see they are better quality thoughts in general.
So then you choose — do I pay attention or not. If yes, you may want to consciously think for a while — this is choiceful thinking not mind chatter.
Then… reshape… go back to not thinking again.
p.p.s.
I LOVE what you said in that earlier message
“Distract myself and reshape”
BRILLIANT
keep doing that for the rest of your life and you’ll be very happy!!
Thoughts are essentially a disturbance of your “shape.”If you get too many thoughts, then you become very DISTURBED :-)
Distract and reshape…. always!
Mike.
I don’t want to get to know anyone or jeopradise what me and X have. That’s what I’m afraid of. Ideally, and this is just me, I just want to be attracted to X and not notice other girls. But I think how I got in this place in the first place may have been related to noticing other girls were attractive and I started freaking out.
I’m not the cheating time at all. I wouldn’t dream of cheating, but when thoughts like ‘oh that girl is attractive’ pop into my head I start feeling like I’m hurting her, or something along those lines. Or my mind will end up comparing or whatever. Which is not something I want because what X and I have is so amazing. I would give the world to keep it.
This line sort of scared me a bit.
“I have to tell you that inital attraction can quickly turn into something else once you get to really know the person!”
Because like, the thoughts that come into my head about my other best friends who are girls, I know them really well, but I wouldn’t want to date them. Lately I’ve almost being avoiding them out of fear that thoughts will arise in my head. Any advice here? Would it just be better to face them head on and just distract myself if something pops into my heaD?
Also, another thought popped into my head. About next year and University. I’ll be in a place without my friends and especially X. I’m worried like, that it’s gonna be really hard with my thoughts how they are because I’m afraid I might think a girl is attractive or feel something for them. And I don’t want that to happen at all. I wanna get a good mix of friends – guys and girls without having to worry about having strong feelings there. It’s just that I haven’t been to a new environment before since Year 5 when I first went to my old school. And I’m freaking out. I know me and X will be as strong as possible once I get through this but I’m afraid thoughts might come flooding back.
Would the best option be.. hypothetically speaking; to simply say – there’s the thought, it doesn’t have to be part of me unless I consider it. I choose not to accept it, and believe it to be ‘just a thought’. And move on from it? To some extent though I wouldn’t know whether or not the thought was true or not. Or would I? And if it was even true.. is it possible to just disregard it – say ‘no’ and reshape etc. Because obviously if I was still going out with X (most likely and what I want more than anything) that thought we would be a negative one. Hence, I’d need to disregard it and not consider it.
Thoughts on this?
I’m so so tired of these hypothetical situations and worrying over every little detail. It’s ripping me to shreds and I’m so tired of it all.
Thanks again.
In relation to what I just wrote. Does it not matter if a thought has some basis of truth to it? Just if it’s unwanted.. that’s the difference. Like obviously.. I am scared out of my wits if I go to Uni first day and feel something for a girl there.Because that would hurt me and X. Would that just be classified as unwanted? And let it go? You can see how this is spiralling inside my head haha..
Hi Anon,
Yes, what you say is right… it doesn’t matter whether thoughts are true or not, just whether they are wanted. Specifically… “do I want to give this more attention.”
It may be fear of losing x that’s partly fuelling this, like I said there are many factors but straight away, from now on, try not to fuel this “problem” with more attention.
I put problem in quotes because it’s largely a self created problem. You are trying to find an intellectual answer to prevent an unwanted scenario.
That can’t happen because you create pain mentality by building up projected events in your mind.
You know what you want clearly. Just be at peace with that and see what happens. Drop the “what if’s.” Keep reshaping when any thought comes up to do with this subject.
You’ve already thought over and over about this without solution so the chances of finding one are about zero. That’s because you can’t intellectually protect yourself from every single possibility of life.
You don’t need to protect yourself from feelings for other people. It’s actually fine to feel even deep love for another person and yet still be with x.
It’s all ok.
I know you perhaps can’t see this right now but meditation and living a healthy life solves all these problems. When you become rooted in something deeper, you have a strong sense of “everything will be ok whatever happens” and then life events are just fun things that happen.
It’s become a habit to worry about this so it’s going to take quite a bit of awareness and constant reshaping to get back to a calm state of mind.
This post has all the tips and tricks you need now and I think you’ve got a very good handle on what needs to be done.
Let it ALL go, everything, and find a place of no thought. Stop thinking altogether and just observe thoughts coming and going.
There is no active thinking need for this subject anymore.
Once you get the hang of this, you will love it! You will become naturally who you are, rooted in who you are — which is the space or awareness of thought.
Once you’ve mastered watching thoughts come and go then you simply choose to pay more attention or not. Somethings need more attention.
It’s about driving your own mental car.
Let it all go and see what comes up. Observe what comes up with curiosity before diving in with all the intellectualizng.
Thoughts come and thoughts go and you remain aware.
You won’t lose anything… you will GAIN, because that greater awareness IS more intelligent. No thinking required.
Try it… see what happens.
It’s not easy because it’s a habit to keep thinking, keep thinking, keep thinking. But once you get out of that…. it’s RELIEF!!
The line that scared you a bit… I was just saying really that all that glitters isn’t gold. That’s my experience anyway.
Trust in yourself that whatever feelings you have for other people… girls or guys, it’s all great. Drop all the mental strategies and take life one moment at a time.
You know the phrase “wake up and smell the roses”? It just means that to enjoy life you need to pay attention to right now.
The more you do that, the more joy there will be. Because all mental attention is an abstraction of life. Of course, we sometimes want and need to think but most of the time we should be smelling the roses.
Like I said, I think you’ve really got it now. You know what needs to be done. All the old way will still hang around for a while but the plan is very simple. Distract and reshape.
Keep doing that.
The old thoughts may trick you with a sense of importance. They are not. You know you want to be with x. That’s all you need to know for now.
Let everything else go.
Distract and reshape.
Thanks once again. I want to let these go but often it becomes too much and I wanna find a solution. I just need to distract and reshape..
When you say it’s possible to have deep love for someone and still be with X… do you mean as friends? Because I do have deep love for my friends. If I had deep love in a more than friends way that would tear me apart. Like really. I’m not sure what you meant there. I don’t think it’s a good thing to feel more than friends love with anyone other than X.
I want to lose this worry more than anything… I just want to snap my fingers and lose it. I’m so tired of analysing. Gahhhh
Hi Anon, yes definitely friends love.
True love is not needy or wanting anyway.
Sometimes we can get so enmeshed in thinking that it seems there is no way out.
If there’s too much mental noise, try focusing on something external. Anything, it doesn’t matter what. Give ALL your attention to it til things go quiet again inside.
You are learning something new here and you can’t expect immediate results. It takes persistance.
The plan is simple but not easy. But the beauty is in it’s simplicity.
Imagine your mind is a lake. You want the surface of the lake to be very calm.
Thoughts are like throwing a pebble in.
They create a bit of disturbance and then it all settles again.
Most peoples experience is that the surface of their lake is never calm. Imagine 10 pebbles at once, 100, 1000?
Try to get you lake calm :-)
and then notice each pebble on it own, wait for calm again.
You need to remove attention from your head. That’s why I say focus on something external. You can also focus on your body parts as an alternative.
If your mind is very active — try your feet! They’re furthest away from your head :-)
Mike.
Once again, I can’t thank you enough. It’s just about retraining my brain. And I wanna do this sooner rather than later.
Sorry just clarifying.. what do you mean by..
“True love is not needy or wanting anyway.”
Thank you so much
Love is what you are. And therefore needs nothing.
for me, probably the most beautiful words ever written are the bible description of love… hold on I will get them for you.
The Way of Love
If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith,so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways. For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.
So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.
Ok to clariy a bit…
What most people talk of as love isn’t true love but intense wanting and neediness.
True love is the recognition of yourself in another!
You are love in the deepest sense. You are made out of it! :-)
Well in that case; I’d like to think that what me and X have is true love. We are entirely ourselves with eachother and have eachother’s complete recognition and acceptance. The problem is though I don’t wanna define love. I don’t want to look it up on the internet looking for an answer. I want to feel true love. And I think I have ever since I laid eyes on her.
Thanks again Mike.
Although I do have to some extent – some wanting and neediness. Are you saying this should be limited a bit? And just don’t force it? Just feel it?
I think I have true love though..
Yes, just feel it — if you are aware of neediness just be aware of it.
“there is neediness in me”
I noticed it.
Then move on.
Reshape always.
Love cannot easily be defined. The bible definition is good but “a finger poiting to the moon is not the moon.”
I’m sorry to continue this back and forth haha. (Hope it’s not annoying..)
How would you define neediness?
Neediness is created by ego consciousness. So whilst a person is identified with a projected self-image, there will always be neediness.
The ego seeks to be completed at a future point and therefore seeks to gain stuff to achieve that aim.
Love (who you are) is already whole and therefore needs nothing in a spiritual sense.
Neediness is a sense of lacking, of incompleteness.
Whilst I am sometimes egotistical. I feel complete with her. Thank you Mike. I feel a lot better after talking to you. I just want to capitalize on this feeling and feel like this always
God bless
Thank you. You are most welcome :-)
mike! whats happening brother?
hey ive gotten everything pretty much sorted out, i went to the psychologist and talked to him, he said that i just need to use the “thought stopping” process although at the time i latched onto it and it bothered me of course and was a habit it still lingers here and there but i just think thats becuase i had it as a habit for so long, now all i can do is ignore it and stop it as well as letting time take place and that does alot as well..it was funny because he said it was totally normal i just need to not think things like that, becuase at this age (18) the mind is going to transformations and is maturing, this also includes my stress and anxiety levels as well, its all really interesting but at the same time i need to not over analyze things so much (atleast do not analyze the bad things) cuz then that just continues to escalade and turns into something that isnt true, ive found out alot from him and ive gone through this week and last week pretty well and normal lol, he also asked me if it was effecting my daily life such as school, friends, etc. i said at first it did but now it was just there, he went through things that stuck to his mind for some weeks but over time it begins to disapear, but like i said it comes here and there but that just means i worry to much about it (just ignore) lol
Hey Tyler!
Oh that’s absolutely wonderful! My friend (in the article) was also seeing a psychologist for many years. Sometimes it’s great to hear the same truth from a few places. It helps us to believe that truth.
Yes I think maturity is a big part of it too. A little girl I know is scared of skeletons in the alley way. I used to see faces in my bedroom curtains that would scare me to death!
Thanks so much for writing in. I get concerned sometimes about people who write in in a bad state of mind and then I don’t hear from them any more and I just want to know they’re OK.
What you’ve learned about thoughts will be with you for life and it’s powerful stuff to know. As well as protecting you from damaging ideas that could become monsters you’ll also know that thinking actually creates you, in a way.
What you put your attention to is what ends up in your brain — your map that represents reality.
Thanks again for your upbeat message. It was lovely to hear from you!
Mike.
Hi Mike. I’m having unwanted thoughts again. Just relating to her physique. Or her looks, however you wanna put it. She is utterly gorgeous but my mind is almost mocking her and putting these untrue thoughts which I know for certain aren’t true. I can’t stand this, why can’t it just go away. I tried to distract myself, I did that for a bit but then it just got harder. And the thoughts are growing. I got an exam tomorrow and I’m stressing out about that and also my mind is going haywire about X. And we had like the perfect day today, I don’t know what to do. It just seems to latch onto good things.
Please help
Hi Anon,
I know you’re having a tough time at the moment. I think the stress of your exams is the major factor.
I do know people who, when under pressure, will attack other people psychologically — a bit like your mocking of x.
I think it’s a primitive defence mechanism.
As I said before, the stress response, the physiological state of stress is not good for rationality.
Keep to the program and just get through this difficult time with as must dignity as you can. As you said, you and x had a great day — so it ain’t all bad.
Recognize the thoughts as garbage, as a primitive knee-jerk reaction to the stress you’re under.
I notice my brain will sometimes produce these mocking, culturally conditioned thoughts — triggered by something I see for example.
Trust your heart and not your thoughts.
Keep ignoring unwanted thoughts and focus on getting through your exams. Don’t make them important. Just see them for what they are and release them. That’s all.
I’m sure things will settle once your exams are done.
Mike
I guess it’s just because it’s her, you know? She’s one of the greatest things going for me in my life. She means the world to me. It just hurts because they thoughts are suggesting that what I’m thinking is the truth, when it’s not at all. And I know that, it’s just hard because it just latches onto really small things. Like if she wears her hair in a ‘bad’ way or something really stupid like that. I think this is the thought that started it all. So I’m trying to get through it as best as I can, but it’s really hurting.
Hi Anon,
I totally understand really I do but I also think that things are much better than you realize.
You are seeing the thoughts as “not you” already. And that’s a great thing. Many folks believe their thoughts are them. They are identified with every thought so that’s a much bigger problem.
The thoughts themselves are likely to be culturally conditioned. By that I mean you’ve learned to mock peoples imperfections by picking it up from peers and perhaps family.
The stress of your exams is playing into this too and also it’s a slim possibility that part of you is sabotaging the relationship because of unconscious fears relating to it.
A lot of the thought generation process is reactive. There is no intelligence in it. To be free of the conditioned mind you have to be able to recognize it as “not you” — you got that part down and then choose something different.
That means withdrawing attention from conditioned reactive thought loops.
View thoughts as information. Just information you can choose to pay attention to or not. All your power is in choosing the focus of your attention.
I like to play visualization games too to reprogramme unwanted thoughts — like wrapping them up in fine silk till I can’t “see” them anymore. Then it explodes into a billion tiny pieces and floats of into the sky… or something like that :-)
Or I may morph it into a ball and catapult it into oblivion.
Or I may just say “thanks for that, but I don’t want or need any more thoughts like that — you can stop telling me about that.”
It might sound crazy to talk to your own mind but I reckon it help. You’re feeding your subconscious mind with ideas about what you do want it to tell you about.
When these mocking thoughts come, try to laugh about it. That’s about the level of importance you should give them. X sounds like a wonderful person and it truly is laughable that she should be mock for a hair style.
You know that, I know it. So don’t take these thoughts seriously. Laugh them off, catapult them into oblivion and think about something else.
It’s a powerful process once you learn it but it’s early days. It’s simple yes but not always easy. Don’t be too hard on yourself.
Soon, the exams will be done and I’m sure things will settle down too.
Keep in touch.
Mike.
Thanks once again Mike. It’s just hard cause they seem so important. Like I had one earlier today about whether I really want to be with her or not. And that hurts to some extent, I suppose. It fills me with a sense of doubt. The strength of them and like the nature of them make them seem important. When I know they’re not. I’ve discarded them and basically said these thoughts are coming in due to factors like tiredness, exhaustion etc. I just seem to latch on to very small things, that’s all, which I’d rather not think about.
I wanna keep going, I don’t wanna give up or give in to thoughts. Because essentially they’re not me. They are just putting things in my mind which I don’t need. And I just really wanna go back to when I didn’t have any bad thoughts. It’s obvious none of it is true.. Simply because I’ve had SO many thoughts about varying people. It’s just creating doubt, and it just really hurts. Because they hurt, I feel the need to combat them with good thoughts.. when I really need to ignore them. Just sometimes they’ll cross my mind and inbed in there for a bit.
I guess I just need to be reminded that the thoughts aren’t me. They aren’t true, and they certaintly aren’t wanted. I just need that constant reassurance until it goes at the moment.
I just need to know that if I keep doing what I’m doing – ignoring them; that they will subside. I just hate them getting ingrained in my brain – creating doubt and making me think something is the truth.
Also, (sorry to write again) I’ve had a thought again about the balance between physical and non-physical intimacy in relationships. In terms of how much time spent doing one or the other. I don’t want to analyse such a silly thing. As we spend plenty of time talking and sharing and whatnot. We also spend time being intimate. I don’t want to analyse a ‘balance’ or whatever. I just want to go with the flow, and stop creating such stupid doubt.
Hi Anon,
I think you’re right… it’s tiredness and exhaustion and stress. As a dad, I see the power of a bad nights sleep in my son’s behavior. The “quality” of his thoughts goes from one extreme to another.
From an angel to a little demon!!
It’s the same person but the tiredness is behind the behavior.
Of course, small children don’t have the same control as adults but adults are not immune to “not checking enough health boxes.”
The solution to unwanted thoughts “in the moment” is always to observe and choose — remove attention from unwanted thoughts. But the quality of thoughts and your ability to choose is SERIOUSLY affected by your state of health and specifically your biochemical state — which of course is caused by your lifestyle.
Lack of sleep and lack of food causes kids to throw a wobbler. Same for adults too!
With regards intimacy, you’re right again… go with the flow and not so much analysis. Take on more of the attitude “whatever happens is ok.”
This attitide is more likely to make everything ok because you’ll stop trying to control every little thing. Nor do you need to control every little thing… just your stuff, your choices.
Mike.
The more I trample negative thoughts, the easier it will be to think about X. Would you say this is a fair statement? Currently I’m almost stamping them out, and they then remain on my conscience a bit. Then when I try to think good thoughts or just general thoughts about X, I’m almost scared negative thoughts will latch onto that. Because they are making me doubt if I’m not immediately thinking in a positive manner about her. There’s all the issue of reassurance. Cuase when I’m away from her my mind often gets boggling.
It just seems once I’ve subsided those thoughts, there’s always a little bit of doubt left, sort of planning to cling onto something or other.
I just need to know what to do one I’ve let these thoughts subside temporarily.
Hi Anon,
“The more I trample negative thoughts, the easier it will be to think about X. Would you say this is a fair statement?”
The more your mind is calm, the easier it will be to think consciously and deliberately.
You don’t need to be vigilant against unwanted negative thoughts coming back or attaching. That’s giving them more attention. You’re keeping half an eye on them.
Tramping is fine btw, but not suppression… because suppression is a constant “holding down” and that means giving it attention.
Yes, thoughts and feelings often linger a while. Same program — don’t give the remnants more attention.
Instead of focusing on thinking positive thoughts, focus on no-thinking. Create gaps in the constant mental babble.
Distract and reshape remember?
Always come back to your shape… your center. A place of no-thought where there is only intense awareness. The only place where you can “smell the roses.”
Mike.
Sorry, I didn’t get what you meant by not thinkng positive thoughts? You mean I shouldn’t be spending time thinking good thoughts about X? Because it doesn’t seem too logical. Sorry could you go over that bit again.
Thanks
I mean you don’t need to constantly think positive thoughts about x in order to control and manipulate the situation or how you feel about her.
It’s simpler than that.
Keep your shape (let go of everything) and see what comes up.
If it’s unwanted then ignore it. If it’s wanted then give it a bit of attention or enjoy it but it’s also ok to just let go of positive stuff.
It’s that simple. No need to cling.
Okay, I get what you’re saying. It just sort of raises questions.. like when can I think about X? When I’m in a good place with no negative thoughts at all?
You can think what you like, when you like if that’s your choice.
What we don’t want is choiceless thinking or clinging.
Does that make sense? If you want to give me a specific example I may be able to explain it better.
No that’s fine. It makes sense. I’d just prefer to be positive and clingy, rather than dwelling constantly on negatives and untrue thoughts.
Could you possibly write up a 5-10 step method of what I need to do to get back to my old self? Just so it’s clear and concise.
Thank you.
Just currently it feels like I sometimes force positive thoughts to come in. And there’s nothing wrong with that right? I do let them flow often, but occasionally I need those forced positive thoughts to remind me of how great I have it, and that there’s nothing to fear.
Back before this all began, I didn’t force these feelings as much. It just feels when I’m in this sort of state.. that if I don’t have some outlet for positive thoughts once in a while, that negative thoughts will impersonate the truth.
1. Look after your lifestyle. Get enough, sleep, exercise, good food etc.
2. Stay in your “shape.” Your grounded place is a place of no-thought, a state of “let-go-ness.” Make sure there are gaps between thoughts. Stay centered. From here you can choose to think what you like.
3. When thoughts come up, make a quick choice — “do i pay attention to this or not.”
4. If not, distract yourself by intensely focusing on an external object (whist repeating the sarcred incantation “blah blah blah blah” or “shhhhhh” to drown out the unwanted thought).
5. Go to number two.
“Just currently it feels like I sometimes force positive thoughts to come in.”
Hmmm my gut feeling is it’s ok and long as it’s not trying to cling. Dwelling on happy thoughts is a very nice thing to do. But keep going back to your place of no-thought. The gaps are important!
Like we said before, I think your current situation is feeding all this (tiredness, exams etc) so really that needs to be addressed before it will be resolved.
Do you have a lot of caffeine?
I understand entirely about the gaps. That way I’m living in the moment more. I just want to treasure every moment and not analyse so much.
I never really have caffeine. I dislike soft drinks and coffee is a one off treat from the local Starbucks haha.
Hi Anon,
I’m James Riddett, I’m Mike’s brother and partner on Habit Guide. I hope you don’t mind me chipping in but I might be able to shed more light.
I think everything Mike has told you is fantastic advice. What you need to do is very simple but I know it’s not always easy.
You’re suffering from being dominated by thought. I was exactly the same for years at school. My head was constantly full of mental problems and scenarios and ‘what ifs’. It drove me crazy…
I learned to ‘reset’ my mind — that was how if felt to me.
It was like.. ‘ok… just relax and reset. Start again from zero.’ And I had to do it MANY times before I got the amazing peace of mind that I enjoy these days.
Keep doing it and be patient. No stress, don’t rush it.
At the moment, you’re trying to fight fire with fire. This is completely understandable — I did the exact same thing.
You’re trying to come to a mental conclusion to what’s troubling you. You’re trying to ‘work it out’ mentally. Your mind believes there is a complex, logical formula that — when you hit it — will give you the answer. And when you have it, you’ll be happy and free from unwanted thoughts.
But you CAN’T resolve it logically. It’s not a math problem.
Because it’s the endless thinking that IS the problem. I know this may sounds hard to believe, but I promise it’s the truth. The answer is to actually get your mind to shut the **** up! :)
It’s your mind’s endless chatter and ‘what if this’ and ‘what if there’s some truth in that?’ that’s bringing you down and making you feel so bad.
I have an empty head most of the time. That may not sound like an ideal state, but I promise you it is. It allows you to choose your thoughts, and when they arise on their own, you can choose which ones to give attention. I DO get dark thoughts very occasionally, but they get no attention from me and disappear quickly.
I’m also very careful what I feed my mind… no horror movies, not too depressing news on TV and so-on.
I believe the answer for you is very simple. And I know Mike will back me up on this. Concentrate on giving yourself the healthiest lifestyle you can. Again, it may feel like a bit of a leap of faith, but I promise you it will help a LOT.
Also, if you get into meditation, or just spend a few minutes a day being quiet and still, and watching your thoughts, you’ll feel the control coming back to you.
I also recommend my little method of ‘resetting’ your mind when you want to. It’s probably very similar to what you describe as ‘reshaping’ which is a lovely image.
At the moment, you’re fighting fire with fire — you’re trying to get rid of thoughts by firing more thoughts at them.
Concentrate on resetting your mind when needed, meditating and living as healthily as possible and I promise, you’ll feel the control coming back…
Keep doing that and one day, you’ll be amazed at how troubled your mind used to be. You’ll be amazed that you spent so long worrying about things. :)
Hope this helps.
Best wishes,
James
Thanks very much James for your insight. It’s exactly right in terms of the complex formula. I don’t know why I continue to analyse. Just part of me thinks magically I’m gonna strike the hidden pot of gold or the hidden answer.
When you say – ’start again from zero’ – I’ve been doing that to some extent by combatting the thoughts with a simple ‘You know the truth, this thought isn’t real’. Unfortunately I begin to expand on that and I start to get stuck in a constant fight with my mind. Just again – ’start again from zero’, is that just saying.. those thoughts aren’t real; try and gain a clear head? Are you saying I shouldn’t fire positive thoughts at all at those negative ones? And just ignore till it subsides? Just sometimes I need a bit of a reassurance or a wakeup call that it’s not real and its not the truth, you know?
I know I am making some progress, slowly but surely. I just don’t want to backfire like last time and give in – thinking wrongly that they are the truth. I’ve been doing a lot more exercise, and getting to bed early. Meditation is a little tough to get used to. Just getting into the habit of watching my thoughts with no judgement is the key though.
I came up with a little saying to say to myself; – ‘Even the worst and most damaging storm eventually subsides’. What do you think?
I just want to thank you and Mike once again. This blog has been terrific in getting my mind in a better state. I feel I’m slowly but surely making my way towards how I used to be. I’m sorry for clogging it up with my endless posts! But it’s just about reassurance, you know?
God bless.
Hi Anon,
Don’t worry about “clogging” the post. That’s the beauty of blogs — it’ll help other folks who have similar issues but are maybe too shy to comment.
“Just getting into the habit of watching my thoughts with no judgement is the key though.”
That’s it in a nutshell. This positive thought thing hasn’t been sitting right with me and now I know why.
You’re making it into a battle and that is fuelling the process.
Another way to look at this is that you always have a focus and you should know what that focus is. Say your walking, then just focus on walking — I think your counsellor mentioned mindfulness if I remember correctly.
Once you know what your focus is you have a frame of reference… an anchor.
Then it’s easier to notice an attention shift.
When you have “stormy waters” then you need a big effort to hold you attention onto what you want.
But then it’s gets quiet, then it’s easy to do.
But a brilliant question to ask yourself is “where is my attention.”
In stormy waters it’s good to have an external focus or at least into your body and away from your head. Too much head attention makes it more difficult for the storm to go away. You are feeding it with energy because energy follows attention.
Positive thoughts are not really the goal because every positive thought automatically contains it’s negative opposite as a frame of reference.
But who you really are — beyond thinking is the “good which has no opposite.”
That is allowed to shine when your full attention is in the flow of the present moment.
Watching with no judgement means there has to be space between you and thought and that is what you want. The awareness in that space already knows the quality of the thought before you make it into words so you don’t really need to.
Watching for thoughts with no judgement. That is a perfect plan.
Oh and excellent job getting your lifestyle on track. It’s massive that. Keep trying with meditation. 5 mins here and there is a good start. You don’t need to make it a big deal.
If you want to counter it with something… try the sacred incantation I mentioned… “blah blah blah” :-)
Anon,
Another musing for you about the positive thoughts thing. I think the mind is a better servant by focusing on creating desired outcomes rather than a random positive thought generator.
Thinking should be largely creative, purposeful and practical and the joy of life left largely to be-ing or not-thinking.
Hi anon, James again.
Mike has followed on from your reply and I would definitely agree with him about the whole ‘positive’ thought thing.
Don’t get me wrong, being grateful for what you have in life is a great habit to be in. But you’re using positive thoughts almost like ammo, firing them off at the negative stuff and hoping it’ll cancel them out.
I agree with Mike. I don’t think that approach will win out for you in the long run because it implies there’s a battle between your ‘light’ thoughts and ‘dark’ thoughts. With you fighting on the ‘light’ side. :)
What you’re aiming for is NO thought. That doesn’t mean walking around like a zombie of course :) It just means that you have control over what you think about, it’s your decision what’s going on your head.
My ‘reset’ technique was what eventually allowed me to clear my head and take back complete control of my thoughts.
When I say ’start again from zero’ I’m talking about deliberately clearing your mind of all thoughts. This is tricky at first, but if you can do it for several seconds, take a moment to enjoy the stillness. Just ‘be’ in that place, be ‘present’ with nothing else distracting your head… Nice isn’t it? :)
It’ll get easier to do.
If you feel like it’s even too much to still your mind completely, even for a few seconeds, try tucking yourself away into a room somewhere and just sit and watch your thoughts for 5 or 10 minutes.
Don’t ‘move into’ your thoughs, don’t ‘become’ them. Just watch. Be aware that there is ‘you’ and ‘your thoughts’ — 2 things.
You’re separate from your thoughts, so you know they no longer have direct control over you. Because you can CHOOSE. If you’re happy to keep doing that, you can start inserting bigger and bigger gaps between thoughts.
Once you have the power back, you can choose your thoughts and choose whether or not to give attention to thoughts that arise on their own.
Remember — thoughts only EVER have power when you feed them attention. Thoughts have ZERO power without your attention.
~ James
You say that I’m almost using positive thoughts as ammo.. It just feels a bit hard because I like being able to think about her. Just currently the negative thoughts are attacking those good thoughts. I’m really getting wound up in my head today. It could have been just today, but I was feeling better about the whole situation until X, my best mate and his girlfriend, and some family friends came around. It was just really hard to concentrate and stay with no thoughts because my mind was latching onto things as they happened.
I guess something I’m really struggling with is the truth. I’m constantly having to remind myself that what I’m thinking isn’t the truth at all. I’ve broken up with X two times, and we still got back together. I’ve also been having such bad thoughts about other people. Before I got in such an overanalytical state of mind, I never had any of these. It’s just the strength of thoughts is so powerful it’s making me confused over what is, and what isn’t the truth. You know the expression – truth hurts? I’m just getting these horrid ‘what if’s’ over whether what I’m thinking is true, and that to get over it I need to severe ties. It’s just so painful having this run through my head. It’s just really hurting my heart. I can have a really great day with her, with few thoughts and then BAM, another day comes along where I’ve got a lot of negative thoughts and I just latch onto them.
I just need to know basically, that what’s in my mind isn’t the truth. That it’s just a distortion of the truth based on my overanalysing thoughts. Part of me really fears it is all true. I really fear that. And it’s hurting so much because I just want to go back to a month or two ago when everything was perfect. Like I know it’s possible to lose feelings for someone – but I’ve broken up with X twice.. and we still got back together. That’s got to count for something right? As well as the negative thoughts for other people. It’s got to mean it’s not the truth..
That paragraph I just wrote is what I’m going over every single day. It’s hard to just let it go.. Because it hurts me so much. I keep telling myself/my heart keeps telling me that I know I want to be with X, and these thoughts are just garbage. It’s just really distorting things right now. I’m really scared that it’s going to consume me and I won’t feel anything for her anymore. Because at the moment, I’m constantly having to tell myself I do feel for her. That I do want to be her BF.
I just GAHHHHHHHHH. This is so unbelivably torturous.
I just feel so hopeless. I can feel the thoughts telling me to break it off..
Fuck
At the moment, I’m telling myself things like – remember back at so-and-so’s party. You can have that again. Because you know thats true. I don’t want to dwell on the past too much, but it’s nice to have a goal I want to aim for. I really just want to enjoy every little moment, and not let my mind wander. I failed at that to some extent today. And it’s sorta put me back abit. It’s almost like.. backing up what the thoughts are saying.
Would you say that once these negative thoughts are gone, I’ll be able to see more clearly of the truth. The real truth. The truth that me and X are to be together. It’s just funny how one little thought can escalate into so much. And it’s also funny how you can have such a good experience one day, and then a completely opposite one the next.
Hi Anon,
Hmmmm things are a little clearer now you’re talking specifics. From what you said before, it seems you know what you want — to be with x. That’s what’s in your heart.
What a choice to have between 2 great things — being with x or partying with whoever you like. Is this the main dilemma for you? That you’ll lose out?
Of course you can’t have both, that wouldn’t be fair to x so you have to choose.
Why not just see how it goes? You’re not committed for life or anything. Why not just say I’m going to be with x and I’ll think about it again in the new year.
Then once you have made you decision, any thoughts can be measured to that. Thoughts not in alignment with your choice will soon die away if you are committed to you decision.
Seems you are giving you mind mixed messages because you haven’t made a choice.
Sometimes, if with have 2 options it can be really hard :-) I think the hardest choices are the 50/50 ones. The ones where they have equal weight.
But anyway, seems to me you want x. Commit to that and you’ll see all this other stuff go away.
Also, there is such a thing as paralysis by analysis. Making a decision will often throw things into a new light.
If you can’t choose, imagine I said you can only have x and not be with other girls for 6 months at least. How do you feel about that?
Now, what if I said you can’t have x — you can party and be with whoever. How do you feel about that?
Compare the feelings of each question and maybe you’ll get a clearer answer.
Also, maybe if you’re stressing with exams, you feel overloaded and therefore want to end a relationship which you feel is more than you can handle? I don’t know about that one but maybe it’s a possibility in your case.
The other thing is — sometimes it’s ok to be confused. At the moment you’re with x… why upset the status quo until you are clear you want something else?
Relax, it’s ok to not know what you want sometimes. It’s ok to be confused.
Make a solid decision… see what happens.
I don’t want to party out with other girls. I just want X. I just want to go back to a month ago and fix this. I can’t stand feeling guilty and comparing at every single thought.
My god I can’t do this anymore. Like this. It’s too much of a struggle.
Oh your problem is now very easy and simple
Anything thought that does not align with your choice… ignore it. BE QUICK about it.
You are currently dwelling and as you say that escalates it.
ohhhhh I feel so light and relieved. I understand you fully now I think.
This is simple for you anon.
If it’s so simple and easy why can’t I do it? I’m pathetic.
I have one goal.. that’s to be with X without these thoughts. And currently the negative ones are attacking constantly things about our relationship and her as well obviously. It hurts so much. I’m glad I didn’t do anything stupid on the highway before. I can’t believe how close I was..
I just can’t see a way out at the moment. I feel so pathetic and weak.
Hmmm sorry, shouldn’t have said easy… but it is simple :-) I was just so relieved because I wasn’t clear that you were so clear about what you wanted.
Now I know you are, it is very simple. NOT easy (at first) but very simple.
Remember James said earlier “Thoughts have ZERO power without you attention.”
So you are free now to not believe these thoughts. No, they aren’t true. I wasn’t clear on that before because I didn’t have enough detail to go on.
When an unwanted thought comes you can trample it as you said. Don’t get into these endless toing and froing debates. It’s simpler than that.
What do you do if someone is talking and you don’t want to listen? You stick your fingers in your ears and say “arrrrrgggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh” and drown it out. You can do that with these thoughts.
Don’t let them into your mental space. You can drown them out with “blah, blah, blah.” or whatever.
Don’t engage or analyse at ALL.
You need to be 100% clear about this. NO ATTENTION whatsoever to unwanted thoughts. Drown them out, whatever you want just NO ATTENTION.
You’ll be amazed how quickly this can go away once you’re clear abou the process.
Don’t despair anon. OK? This will be ok.
I hope so. I just need this to go away. This is really affecting me, especially today. Like I haven’t felt this low in a long long time.
I’m just making links between things and it’s so frustrating. And also comparing other girls with X. It hurts so much. My god
Is a way to combat the feeling about other girls.. just to say ‘I don’t need that thought and that sure there are girls who are more attractive than X, but what me and X have is so special and unique that she is all I need’? Is that something I should be saying?
I’m having so much trouble ignoring at the moment. Gahhhh
Yes, I think it’s good to get clear. And I totally agree with what you said there — that it doesn’t matter how attractive other girls are.
But you don’t need to repeat the process once you’re clear.
You could see an attractive girls and think “wow, she’s gorgeous, and move on.” No harm in that. But to continue a line of thought related to that thought isn’t needed.
Let stuff come and go and choose to pay attention or not.
I think for now you should keep it really simple to get some sanity back.
No attention to any thought relating to this subject. Keep it nice and simple. Say for a week or two weeks. No mental discussion on any thought relating to this subject.
Thoughts will still come up because you have given this some momentum but it will naturally subside when you stop paying attention.
You have to be totally clear about what I just said — what you need to do — the process.
Are you 100% clear?
I know the process, it’s just so incredibly difficult to keep myself distracted at the moment.
I know the thoughts aren’t real but they appear so important..
Yes they can appear important — I suspect because you’ve given them a sense of importance when all this started.
You mind thinks it’s helping you by reminding you of what you told it was important!
Do the opposite when these thoughts come — give them a sense of no importance. “oh that’s just the old problem — nothing to worry about.”
Don’t have to keep saying that — just attach the attitude.
If you are in a place where you’re totally enmeshed and can’t see a way out, then just scream mentally “arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh”
Then listen to see if it’s gone quiet.
If not.. “arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhhhhhhh”
again.
Make it quiet.
Then… deal with stuff as it comes up.
If a thought comes that is to do with this subject — attach no importance and ignore QUICKLY.
It’s a simple process. Get really clear about the process and just do it.
oh… you don’t have to keep yourself distracted. That is supression. You are tying to “hold it down.” That feeds it.
You make it quiet and relax.
Then you deal with stuff AS IT COMES.
I want you to be clear…
Blocking, tramping, ignoring, drowning out is ok.
Not supression… don’t hold it down because that needs your attention… you automatically hold onto the part you are holding down. If that makes sense?
another point of clarity…
As I said you deal with stuff as it comes BUT you don’t watch for it coming.
Just get on with your life.
when you become aware of an unwanted thought, you can then instantly recognize it as unwanted and ignore it immediately.
Hope that’s clear :-)
yet another point of clarity… sorry :-)
The method… ignore or drown out depends on the ugrency and intensity of the thought.
As things settle… ignoring is all you need.
But where you are now may need something more… scream, block, trample… don’t let these thoughts into you mental space once you become aware of them.
Anon,
Because we’ve had quite a long chat about your situation, I re-read it all this morning to make sure there were no “muddy waters” or points of confusion.
I noticed a couple of issues…
You said you tell your mind “Don’t think about other girls.” Your mind doesn’t hear “don’t” it only hears “think about other girls” so that’s a biggie you need to be aware of.
The other bit of mud was I agreed that watching with no judgement is the perfect plan. Watching is great of course and not judging in the sense that you accept that “this is the thought that arrived.”
There still needs to be choice in whether you pay more attention or not.
Just wanted to clear these points up.
Not heard from you for a day or two. I really hope everything is ok.
Mike.
Hi there. Things are getting a bit better. Yesterday I had the best day I’ve had since I began getting these thoughts. I took X out and we had a really lovely day shopping and whatnot.
I talked to my counsellor the day before in order to combat these negative thoughts. Ignoring seems a bit hard, so it made it seem a bit easier and clearer to me to do the complete opposite of what the negative thoughts are telling me to do. I.e. recently I’ve been putting X under the microscope in terms of looks. So my counsellor said in order for the thought of that to go away – I refuse to look at that particular part of the body – full stop. Not just X’s. Because that way, it gets no attention and eventually will subside. It’s really ridiculous in the nature of these thoughts, as I analyse things which I never ever made note of before. I know they aren’t real. It’s just my state of mind, and as long as I ignore it, my mind will eventually go back to normal where her body never bothered me in the slightest. In fact, I thought it was amazingly hot haha. I still do, but with negative thoughts in the way it’s very frustrating.
I think where I’m really falling over; is my ability to ignore thoughts. Today for example, I thought a bad thought – one which I never wnated to enter my mind. It popped up; got me down 10 minutes, then it subsided. I’v had a few of these today which are unwanted and have no truth to them. My main problem is, I’ll sit down after all this in a quiet spot.. and I’ll almost disect the thought’s from earlier. Whilst I can shut them out in the short term I find it very hard to distract myself several hours later. I find this happens, particulary when I am at home.
Hi Anon,
It’s really a great sign that you had your “best day since it all began.”
That means what you’re doing is making a difference so keep doing it and it will eventually go away.
I also think it’s wonderful how you’re dealing with all this — seeing your councellor, taking advice, being proactive. It’s really wonderful.
I had actually planned to mention to you, something similar to what your councellor has said — the strategy to ignore a body part for example. This is basically a pact, or decision you make about what thoughts are allowed and what are not.
In my friends case for example, we identified 3 allowable thoughts and the other hundreds of disfunctional thoughts were not allowed i.e. to be ignored. This makes it very quick and simple when a thought comes — if it’s not one of the 3 allowed thoughts then distract and reshape.
I don’t want to muddy the waters anymore for you because you seem to understand what needs to be done BUT…
Earlier you said you wanted a step by step plan. Well I can’t believe I didn’t think of this, but the perfect plan is actually in my book Habit Guide.
Its hows you how to NOT do something. In your case, stop thinking negative thoughts. It’s the perfect process. You could even discuss it with your councellor.
It would help you get really clear. But as I said, seems like you are already getting on top so it’s up to you of course.
I will happily talk you through each step privately by email. Let me know if you’d like to do this.
The fact that you thought x was so hot, and still do I think is great for showing these negative thoughts for what they are. And that’s going to help you let go of them.
I’m really happy you had your best day! Do keep in touch at least to say you’re ok, because otherwise I get concerned :-)
Mike
Oh yes I forgot… the quiet times and dissecting thoughts. You nedd a simple meditation technique — a focus. Talk it through with you councellor to see what s/he recommends. Zen breath counting is probably the simplest.
You need a focus or you have no anchor — no frame of reference and then you’re basically drifting or floating around.
Hi there Mike.
I’m in a bad way at the moment and I’ve lost some of the progress I made on Tuesday. Basically the thoughts came piling down on me, and made me feel that I couldn’t be with X anymore. It almost made me break up with her. I spoke my mind, telling her that I was getting this immense doubt, like which had happened before. She didn’t take it too well; and during our conversation I almost gave in to the thoughts. She said to call her when I knew what was in my mind. I rung her around an hour later after some thought – because I felt so horrible inside that I had ruined everything and that I may have lost her. I asked her to give me another chance – which she did – but she told me it’s my last one, for the moment. She told me earlier yesterday that she doesn’t think I’m well enough for a relationship, and that it was easier being best friends. She also said that she felt sad that to be her I need a counsellor..
At the moment, the false and negative thoughts are really clouding my view of whether I want to be with her or not. It’s making me think they are true. They are really intense at the moment and it’s really difficult. I keep thinking about them because I think they may have some truth to them. Sure, being best friends with her would have some benefits; but I don’t wanna stop being bf/gf. It’s really paining my mind at the moment; I need this to go. I’ve tried to ignore it but it’s continuously getting stronger. I guess breaking it off seems like my only route of escape. But I’ve tried it twice already, and the thoughts still linger around.. and also I still had the strong feelings for her.
I need to know these thoughts aren’t true and that they have no basis of truth. I need that reassurance that they aren’t true. They just are so strong at the moment, i feel so hopeless
Hi Anon,
I think you need to let go of the whole problem. You said you wanted to “get back” to the time before all this. Well at the time you didn’t have all this mental toing and froing. The thoughts weren’t there. In other words you have to forget there is even a problem.
You’ve created some momentum with these thoughts so they will continue a while but you just have to ignore them.
You gotta get tough with your own mind! Yes or no to thoughts.
Be very firm when you need to be. Imagine you mind is like an out-of-control toddler. Once you make a decision, you follow through no matter how much it “kicks and screams.”
Decide to be with x for the next month with no thinking about it. Then after one month you will review it.
Let it all go. Forget there is a problem.
If thoughts try to come in that go against that decision, BE FIRM say NO and give them NO ATTENTION.
Look to your heart for answers not your thoughts. Thoughts never have the truth because they are abstractions of life. They are conditioned by your past thoughts.
If the thoughts are powerfully demanding your attention, drown them out by mentally screaming, saying “shhhhhh” or “blah blah” or even singing.
I feel sad for x too. She must love you a lot. It can’t be nice to be told “I’m not sure whether I want to be with you.”
Really — make a decision. One month. No thoughts, then a review after a month.
Follow through with your decision mentally. Don’t allow these thoughts attention. Say NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO when they come up but don’t watch for them coming.
When I say look to you heart — I mean put your attention there! And feel it. Learn to listen to what your heart is saying. Do it a lot. Move attention away from your head and thinking and into your heart. Make it a habit.
Thoughts aren’t true.
Make a solid decision to stop this and follow through with committment. Be clear about the “rules.” and enforce them.
Hi Anon,
I chatted with Mike this morning and I remember a little more info on my ‘reset’ technique.
I remembered that part of the ‘reset’ thing I did was that I would also then install how I wanted to be.
So for me it would be something like: ‘Right, reset, start again from here… I’m happy, confident and I don’t worry about what everyone else thinks’ or words to that effect.
You see my personal problem was a lack of confidence and worrying about what other people thought of me WAY too much.
It may sound goofy, but that technique really does work if you keep using it.
I saw it as ‘fake it til I make it’ at the time. I eventually became the person I told myself I was. Took a while of course but I was always moving forward.
This is the power of habit and conditioning! It’s massive.
So your equivalent, when overwhelmed with thoughts would be something like…
‘Ok, relax… reset… start again from here (here you deliberately try to clear your mind as best you can).
Then… ‘I’m happy, confident and in control. I love X and I’m blessed to be with her, every day.’ (then try to just sit with that feeling for a few seconds, enjoy it…)
Keep the statement to ONLY a description of how you WANT to be — no negatives. And important — state it in the present tense ~ you already have it. eg. ‘I’m happy’, not ‘I want to be happy’.
Again, I know it sounds a little goofy but if you keep doing this you’ll find you can stay as the person you want to be longer and longer each time.
Each time you get the unwanted thoughts, reset and re-state how you want to be as ‘current’.
~ James
Thanks to both of you. It turned out that my little outburst of letting the thoughts in was just a temporary thing. We had an wonderful day the day after. Almost as good as the Tuesday. I find it really good when I’m with her, but when we’re not together it’s a lot easier for thoughts to enter into my mind.
I’ve had like a really really stupid thought – like I’m into modifying cars. I’m not sure if you know what a sleeper is .. but basically it’s a car that looks fairly stock and nothing out of the ordinary on the outside.. but under the bonnet it possesses mass amounts of power. I’m planning to build a sleeper over the next few years; just a project I want to embark on. Recently it’s been really good to think about to get rid of thoughts; or distract myself. But today a thought popped up that my sleeper car is like synonomous with X. To simplify it.. my mind is saying that she is ugly or unappealing; like the sleeper.. It really is a ridiculous thoughts. I just want it to go, so I can still pursue my project and still be with X. I know you may laugh at this thought; I am too almost. It really is stupid. Any ideas?
Great. Laughing at the thought is great because you’re seeing it for what it is.
How you feel when you’re together is the truth of it. Seems like you’re really getting on top of this Anon and it’s wonderful to see.
What’s beneath the bonnet is the important thing no? Both for cars AND humans :-)
Hi there again guys.
Last week I was doing really well, but in the last few days things have just stuck around in my head abit. One thought which relaly annoyed me; was that I can’t remember what X looks like. Really stupid considering I see her just about every single day. I don’t know why but it really got stuck in my head. And when I looked at it, it was hard to see X’s face clearly in my head. You know when you know a person well – you can see their face very clearly in your head? It’s been harder lately to see her face. And I interpret that as something else. I hope this is making a bit of sense.. I think it’s just a combination of stress, tiredness and the thoughts. It’s really very strange to me. This was a couple of days ago now, but it’s just come back into my head. So to combat it I’ve been constantly looking at pictures of her etc. I’m really confused why my brain is acting up like this. I can’t remember entirely how my brain saw her before this thought popped up. It’s incredibly frustrating.
Hope you can shed some light on this. Thanks
And another frustrating thought came in relating to not knowing what X sounds like. Like her voice. This is incredibly annoying. The problem is I don’t know what to do. Like I don’t have anything strong to combat it with.
Hi anon,
I´m away at the moment. I´ve only got very limited computer access at the hotel. I´ll be back on the 16th so I´ll be in touch then.
Cheers
Mike
Hi Anon,
How are things? I’m back now and settling into normality again :-)
A friend of mine recently mentioned the same thing as you funnily enough — that he couldn’t remember the face of someone very close to him.
It doesn’t mean anything — that you can’t recall the face or sound of X when you’re apart from her.
You’re right that the stress and tiredness is affecting all this. We mentioned it before. It’s massive!
By the way — what’s the situation with the exams? Are you finished with them now?
Things would be a lot better if I lost this thought. I’ve been very up and down with it. Would you say the reason it continues to linger around is because she’s been clouded by my over analysing and by my putting her under the microscope? That’s what my counsellor said of it. The negative thoughts intepreted my not imagining her perfectly as though I was a bad boyfriend or that I didn’t like her or whatever. Very stupid. I just feel that if I lose this thought and/or am able to imagine her the way I want I will be invincible against every other negative thought. This is one which is hard to combat. Thoughts?
Hi Anon,
Remember the advice of your counselor a while back — to practice mindfulness? You actually said it helped you a lot too. You need to do more of that and “let go” of all this other stuff — the constant analyzing.
What you think about anything is not the truth but an abstraction. By constantly feeding a conceptual abstraction of life, you can more and more live in that “dream.”
The dream becomes more complex and more difficult to escape from the more you feed it.
Underlying all this is your belief that thinking will give you answers and give you control.
I used to believe that too. I was a “walking head” and all my attention was in my head. You need meditation and mindfulness to combat this dysfunctional habit.
I am not really good at visualizing people close to me at will. I don’t attach any importance to that whatsoever and neither should you.
There is nothing you need to hold on to, to make your relationship with X work out. Playing mental games like this or any other kind of mental abstractions will not improve your relationship or give you valuable information about it.
As I said in the article, you need space between “you” and thoughts. Ideally that space should always be there although in practical terms, that’s difficult to achieve ALL the time.
But do your best… “what am i feeling and thinking right now” is a good question that creates that space.
Observe thoughts and feelings from a distance.
Thoughts have no truth. They are information… some is useful, most is garbage if you’re anything like me. You need discrimination to sift the useful from the garbage. Don’t feed the garbage with more attention.
Keep your inner space quiet and see what thoughts come on their own and then apply discrimination as to whether to feed any thought with more attention or not.
Attention is your power and you can choose where to put it.
Get out of the madness that is constantly feeding a conceptual world view, relax, be very quiet and see what thoughts come up on there own, one by one.
This alone will improve your life about a million percent.
Thinking should always be a choice — not constant and not automatic. There is more information and better information in silence… strangely enough.
Mike
Thanks once again Mike for a very lengthly and helpful response. I know before you said imagining someone at will is difficult for you – but sometimes I try and remember X’s face about 20 minutes after I see her and it’s like trying to cup water in my hands. The longer I go without seeing her it gets harder and harder. Even though I have plenty of photos my minds keeps telling me I have to imagine her perfectly in my head, or at least her face, with no assistance. I’m worried this is going to become part of me, even though I’ve gotten past it before.
Would you say it’s harder for me to imagine her the way I want because of my overanalytical thoughts which have clouded her?
Thanks once more.
Hi Anon,
I would let go of this thought — that you have to be able to imagine X perfectly in your mind. It means nothing whether you can do it or not.
What meaning do you think it has I wonder?
No, I don’t think the over analysis has anything to do with your ability to visualize a face. If you really want to do it, keep practicing.
But I suggest you forget all about the idea that your ability to do this means anything.
Same method — thought arrives, ignore thought, let it go and pay attention to something else. Repeat if necessary.
Mike.
Hi again Mike, it’s Anon.
For the last month or so, I’ve still been troubled with unwanted thoughts. I don’t have the time to write about my technique, but it’s not so simple as just ignore. Unforuntately I’ve been sort of looking at the thought, and dismissing it as quick as possible by giving a list of reasons why it’s not true.
Also for the last 3 weeks I’ve been away on holiday, without X. I’ve been able to contact X and we did every day throughout the time period. The first week was probably the best week I’ve had a while – on schoolies with some good mates. The next week after that began to get really tedious and for the last couple of nights my thoughts became really unbearable. I saw X yesterday and we had a lovely time. However I kept getting soem unwanted thoughts, and one ridiculous one is that I don’t love her anymore. It’s incredibly frustrating and what’s more frustrating is that my brain is considering that thought. I hate going through the paces of it, and it’s been very hard to distract myself from. Would you say it’s just an issue of not seeing X for so long? Just an issue of time and space? Because it’s Christmas we won’t be seeing eachother on such a day to day basis. I see her all day tomorrow but I keep getting this thoughts lingering along, amongst others; but they are easier to deal with. I’m so so tired of this.
Hope you can reassure me. Thank you. I can understand if it’s hard to write back over Christmas. As soon as, would be terrific.
Cheers
Hi Anon,
Seems to me that in the first week, when you were having a great time, you weren’t troubled by unwanted thoughts. You were distracted, not even aware there was a problem.
Then when things started to get tedious, the thoughts came back.
For this to go away, you have to forget there is a problem at all, or to put it better, there has to be no problem.
You make it into a problem when you feed it with your attention and start mental discussions about it.
If a thought comes that’s unwanted and not true… so what? As soon as you recognize that, just shift your attention onto something else. Let it go. Imagine it floating away inside a balloon or use some other mental imagery–clouds, whatever.
When you completely let a thought go, you are not aware of it anymore. Don’t keep even a tiny bit of your attention on it… look for it, discuss if it’s important or hold it down… like that first week… it’s just not there, in other words, your attention is onto other things, there is no problem.
Time and space? Irrelevant… more unwanted attention feeding this “problem.”
Thanks again for such a speedy reply.
Also there’s another thought – well a decision I guess, which Ineed your advice on. I saw X yesterday and for the last month or so she’s been complaining about her weight. It’s never been an issue for me as I love her body. She’s actualyl very skinny apart from a bit of baby fat on her belly. Unfortunately her talking about it sort of got it inside my head.
The thing is – I’ve been wanting to get more toned as well considering I’ve put on a bit of holiday weight. Would it have a negative impact, and feed the thought – if I asked her if she wants to exercise together for an hour everyday? I’m worried doing this may feed the thought. Thanks once more.
Note also she has gained a bit of weight over the holiday – as I have – but it’s never bothered me. I just want her to feel happy in her skin.
And when I say ‘a bit’ – it’s minimal.
I don’t know if it’s the unwanted thought which is making the exaggeration… Or.. I don’t know. I hope I make some sense.
Working out together sounds like a great idea.
That’s an idea that’s good to give more attention to :-)
It’s about choice. You can always choose in the moment…. “more attention on this or not.”
I know I can attention. It’s just my negative mindset exaggerates things. And I also have just that concern that my mind will exaggerate her weight. And I want to love her for her and not change her just because I have a thought.
I’ve just been deciding over this, thats all.
Hi Anon,
It’s important to always get back to “no thought.” Otherwise you are adrift so to speak, with no mental frame of reference.
Most people are constantly feeding and generating so many thoughts that it creates a false sense of identity.
To know the truth about something you don’t always have to think an answer. You can sense it will your higher intuition. That’s the “you” that knows all this other stuff is rubbish.
But you are still not fully disentangled. So keep to your center as much as possible–in other words keep going back to a clear mental space with no thoughts. Then you can see what comes up one at a time.
Does that make sense?
You always seem to know what you want :-) in this case, for her weight to be a non-issue. So pay no attention to it.
If she talks about fine, reassure her, it might be what she’s seeking from you.
The working out thing is still a good idea :-)
What you said seems to explain what I was talking about before in relation to loving her. I’ve been constantly thinking and trying to combat it with other thoughts and I get mixed up in the mess.
Thank you again for some great advice.
You know when you love someone. That knowing has nothing to do with thinking. You just sense it in your being.
You’re welcome Anon. Give yourself a break from thinking :-)
Hi there Mike
Stumbled upon your site in a moment of desperation i guess. i’ve been suffering from unwanted thoughts for quite some time now. it all really kicked off after the one year anniversary of the death of my friend in a car crash. that was nearly two years ago. i’ve had good days and bad days. in the beginning it was hell. my mind focused on the thing i loved most in the world and became hell bent on ruining it for me. Like anon i began to doubt if i loved my girlfriend. i hated the thoughts, i knew they where false and that there was no substance to them but they wouldnt go away. i adore my girlfriend but my mind began to focus on all her flaws and use these as proof that i didnt in fact love her at all. Everytime a petty girl smiled at me my mind would target that as an excuse as to why i no longer loved her. It nearly drove me to ruin. While i have convinced myself that these thoughts are unsubstantiated they are still always niggling in the back of my mind waiting to resurface again. The bad thing is that my unwanted thoughts took on a far more sinister approach and pretty soon i was subconciously trying to convince myself that i was entirely capable of commiting every henious act under the sun. Murder, rape, paedophelia, incest, debauchery.. you name it my mind tried to convince me i could do it. With these thoughts came panic attacks and anxiety. As you can imagine this was complete hell for me. I am a devote catholic and have been raised by an amazing family. We are a tight nit group so i have never experienced a troubled home. Therefore i cant justify why i am having these thoughts. lately it has not been so bad. they come and go and through prayer and defiance i have learned to deal with them. The thing is i had a “bad” night tonight where having watched a murder mystery show my the violent thoughts crep back into my head. I’m just fed up. I can’t go on pretending the thoughts are not there because they are. I start to scrutinize every single emotion i am feeling as if to see if the thoughts are true. These thoughts have been crippling for me, especially the ones of a more evil and ugly nature. As i write this now i am “myself” so to speak. i am clear in my mind and beliefs. but the minute i stop or in a couple of days the thoughts will resurface and the pinful process wil begin all over again…
Sorry for the lengthy comment… this is the first real time i’ve completely opened up on all of this. i’v spoken to family and friends but not to this extent. anyway thanks for listening and i’d be interested to see what you think
:)
Hi there “Acm”
I’m so glad you did open up and write in. I love the fact that we can connect, that you have an outlet for your pain and that maybe other folks can read your story and perhaps not feel so alone.
These are taboo subjects… thoughts of murder and rape and so on so I’m happy that you can talk about them here, anonymously.
It’s very disturbing, to have these dark thoughts “in us” and to feel we are maybe evil, bad, even capable of such things.
I feel relieved that like some other commenters, you are at least partially aware of your thoughts and not totally identified with them.
“You,” the writer of the comment, the connection you felt when writing it are able to distinguish the thoughts as “not you,” as content of your mind–albeit unpleasant and disturbing content.
Seeing the thoughts and “not you” is a vital first step but you need other tools to stop them arising.
Seeing the thoughts as “not important” is the next step. When they arise, as they will continue to do for a little while, shrug them off and give them no more attention.
You don’t need to examine why they are there. It’s enough to know that they are “not you,” they are conditioned by your past and your attention and giving them a quality of importance.
You don’t need to DO anything on a continuous basis. You don’t need to look out for them or hold them down or have mental conversations about them or worry if they will show up.
When they DO show up, attach a quality of “no importance” and put your attention onto something else. That is the simple method for removing all unwanted thoughts.
These thoughts have momentum because you’ve given a lot of attention to them in the past. You told your brain that they were important so you can reverse it by doing the opposite.
If the thoughts “insist” you pay attention then you INSIST on paying attention to something else. This is tough at first but it gets easier as you go. The “something else” can be anything but best to keep it simple and choose an external focus. Rivet your attention onto an external object.
I’m sorry for the loss of your friend. I’ve found it helpful to think of my losses as gains. You actually gained your friend for all those years you were close and all those great times and close connections were actually a gift no? Yes it ended but you still gained the wonderful experience of that person for all those years. It’s a different way of looking at loss that maybe could help you? It can help to feel gratitude for the gift of that person in your life although it may have been only a few years.
Like I said in the article, meditation is the ultimate therapy because your success at using the “simple method” depends upon your ability to see the thoughts as “not you” and also the ability to choose the focus of your attention.
It’s not easy to see how enslaved we are by our own thoughts until we actually attempt to meditate.
Meditation is the most wonderful process and has benefits that are really hard to put into words but it enables you to see thoughts for what they are and gives you freedom of choice. Your sense of identity also shifts from content–the quality and types of thoughts you have to the awareness behind the content–the real and true you. The more you practice, the more your sense of identity shifts into the real you, the more peace you have, the more joy and love comes into your life, the more choice you have.
Also, I would say that the quality your thoughts is affected by every aspect of your life–the movies you watch–which trigger old thought patterns, to your diet, exercise and sleep habits.
All these and more powerfully affects the quality of your thoughts.
To have more happy thoughts, create a happy inner biochemistry by leveraging the powerful lifestyle habits.
Ok, I best not ramble on too much but I’m happy to discuss any aspect of stopping this awful experience you’ve been having for too many years now. Btw my friend in the article is pretty much cured. The gaps between bad times are months apart now and he only triggers the old pattern because he forgets just how bad it is to go there! He is effectively cured–and he was very very lost.
I hope this, and the article and comments give you a booster and a good start in turning all this around.
Please let me know if you need clarification about any aspect of the simple method for getting rid of unwanted thoughts, or if I can help you in any way.
God bless
Mike.
p.s. I find “passage mediation” the most effective because the feedback mechanism is so clear. Pick your favorite prayer or scripture and repeat it slowly, in a meditation setting, one word at a time, like pebbles plopping into water.
p.p.s. Do you have local support? A friend, relative or counselor who can help you if things get tough? It concerns me to think of you coping with all this on your own.
Thanks for the response mike it has really helped to put my mind at ease. For the most part i have tried to handle it on my own. I’m only 22 but i’ve always felt like i’ve had an old soul in a young man’s body :P I suppose i was afraid of what people would think of me if i told anyone, i had become ashamed of myself for even allowing myself to be so affected by these thoughts. I saw myself as having become weak and hated myself for it. I have someone to talk to now if it really gets bad but i haven’t needed him in a while. I found discovering websites such as this really helped me. They made me become aware to the fact that i wasn’t alone in my suffering and this was such a comforting thing to know. I feel as if i am on the path to recovery now. I never doubted for a second that these thoughts were not me and that i could become what my mind was trying to tell me i could become. Even at the darkest moments i knew that the voice in my head wasn’t the “real” me, but it really wares you out and brings you down to constantly have to battle with your own mind day in and day out. After all our minds are our last strongholds of defense against a crazy world. If we lose control over this then where will we be? i always figured that my condition was just a more advanced form of OCD that i used to suffer from as a child. It was never at the needing medication stage but i would obsess about being clean and also used to have a fixation with counting to the number 3 (rainman eat your heart out!) This went away and for many years i was perfectly oblivious to any form of mental struggle. I can only reason then that the depression that was caused as a result of the loss of my friend triggered this long lost form of OCD in my mind and then i really went to town on it! i suppose the mistake i have made is that i have tried to confront these unwanted thoughts head on. I have tried to discover where they have originated from to see if i could then dispel them from my mind. Of course having now read your excellent article i realise that this may not have been the best course of action. having said that i strangely feel a lot mentally stronger for having done that. I now feel as if i am capable of beating these thoughts through the power of meditation even though it is something i have yet to try. it is however not a route that i would even wish on my worst enemies. It was a very dark and lonely path and a lot of soul searching was done. For a long time i didn’t even know who the “real” me was and that was the scariest time. when i didn’t know who the man looking back at me in the mirror was. but through the power of prayer and a sheer defiance and unwillingness to be beaten, i have made it this far and i feel as if i am now ready to take the next step and to cure myself. Thanks again for the lovely reply it was much needed and appreciated.
p.s That’s great news about your friend by the way, i am really delighted for him. Hopefully some day soon i can find myself in the same position. Thanks again Mike… :)
Hi again Acm,
Thanks for sharing more of your story. I really think it will help other people through their own dark times.
Ironically, and my friend couldn’t see this when he was constantly struggling with unwanted thoughts, this whole process forces you to become more conscious. And that means more aware, more established as the real you, more free.
It feels that you are cursed but when you’re out, you see that it was a blessing because it forced you to take control of thought and not be enslaved by it.
I dislike the label OCD because the attachment and identification with the label is unhelpful attention that prevents the letting go of it.
I also find that OCD sufferers tend to be very intelligent and sensitive people. They have a ferrari mind–powerful and difficult to control!! So their “burden” in life is greater but also their potential is greater.
Yes you do seem to have a wise head on very young shoulders :-)
I can see there is curiosity to find what caused all the trouble and I can see how you could feel relief to discover the cause but I really don’t think it’s required and the danger is that all the “soul searching” is feeding the “problem” with more attention.
The problem becomes like a entity that grows and grows and takes over more and more conscious attention. More and more conditioned thought forms attach to other thoughts and the monster grows and grows.
To take away the monsters power you have to remove your attention from it.
Incidentally I saw a documentary about a girl with schizophrenia a while back. I saw another label which implies a real disease, covering up what is in reality, a normal brain where the wiring has gone wrong–the programming. Trauma starting a process of “monster building.” Here the monster is a seperate identity that the real person talks to. The monster also “talks” to the person. But it’s one brain, one person. One being.
It’s really easy to create two identities in one brain. Make up an imaginary friend and start having converstions.
The fascinating thing is that the identity we think of as “who we are” is just as false as the made up identity of the schizophrenic. Our false self talks to us constantly and we allow it because we created it and believe in it–believe it is who we are.
Thanks again Acm. Keep in touch–I’d love to know how you get on over the coming weeks.
Mike.
Well if by relating my story i can in some little way help someone else than it wil all have been worth it. It really is a scary path to walk on your own but i feel like i have turned a corner just by coming onto this site and opening up like i have done. I can’t thank you enough for your replies mike they have been of unmeasurable comfort and help! it’s always reassuring to know one is not crazy :D I gave the meditation a try last night and i have to say that while it was tough to focus my mind on one thing it did work. i pictured myself mountain climbing up a very tall and dangerous mountain. For me the mountain symbolised my struggle, my unwanted thoughts that i was trying to overcome inch by inch, step by step. Some days you are walking along and it isn’t very difficult and these symbolised the good days, but then you’d suddenly hit a sheer cliff face or fall down a crevase and these days naturally symbolised the bad days when every second feels like an immense struggle and you have to crawl inch by painful inch until you reach the ledge or reemerge into the open. It may seem silly but this analogy really works for me. Whenever i feel an unwanted thought coming on i will picture myself on the bad day and i will try and recreate the entire scene in my head. The tiredness in my legs, the freezing wind blowing against my face and trying to knock me from my perch, the feel of the crimpon as i wedge it into the ice to try and pull myself up. Of course by doing all of this it naturally takes my mind away from the unwanted thoughts and i return to a calm frame of mind. i will also give the passage meditation a try as it sounds like a great idea. I will keep you posted on how i’m doing and hopefully i can look forward to an unwanted thought free mind in 2009! Happy new year Mike! Hope you have a great time tonight wherever you may be :)
Hi Acm,
That’s wonderful that you’re finding relief with your visualization. My only slight concern is that the analogy contains the problem albeit in a subtle and abstract form.
You are still seeing yourself with the problem if you see what I mean.
Any distraction that stops attention on the unwanted thought is going to mean you make rapid progress. But, I’m not sure the analogy would be my first choice.
The end state is “oblivious” as you put it. No thoughts or feelings to do with the unwanted thoughts. No awareness that there is, or was ever a problem.
That means removing all conscious attention.
The focus of your “re-direct” will quickly set up a new link between the arising old thought pattern and the new choice–especially when repeated over and over as you will be doing.
Pretty soon the link will operate automatically.
Having said all that, I definitely wouldn’t want to dampen your enthusiasm in any way. The main thing–the BIG stuff, is to keep you mind off the unwanted thoughts–removing ALL attention from them. That’s the main thing.
And of course, you’ve got to trust your own intuition on it and do what you think is best for you.
This is a small matter compared to removing attention from the unwanted thoughts.
Thanks for all the kind words :-). Keep up the good work!
Mike.
Thanks Mike
I see what you mean about the analogy i created. Anything that will lead me to keep reminding myself that i have unwanted thoughts can not be good in the long term. I suppose i’ll tweak my visual meditation to just picturing a place of calm and tranquility such as a lakeside or mountain top vista. The problem won’t be anywhere in the visualisation and the process of recreating the entire scene in my head will lead me to the state of calm that i desire. I’ll keep popping in and out to see how things are going and will keep you informed of my progress. You are an extraordinary man Mike Kinnaird. To dedicate so much of your time and effort and to give so much yet recieve nothing in return just so you can help complete and utter strangers through their dark times is work on par with any saint i’ve ever read about. And I genuinely mean that. What you do here cannot be praised highly enough. You saved me from the black holes in my mind and while i am far from 100% cured i can now look to the future with hope and optimism as opposed to despair and anxiety. I take my hat off to you. Keep up the good work and if ever our paths should cross i’ll gladly buy you a drink :)
A no longer confused man…
Hi Acm (a clear man :-)
Wow — Thank you for your amazing comment! I’m speechless (for once :-)
Yeah, I think the new plan is much better. I’m so looking forward to seeing how you get on!
Mike.
god bless you man
Hi
Ive been getting unwanted thoughts and feelings for about 2-3 years now and its getting out of hand.
So I’d thought ask here as what you have told has opened the door for me getting rid of this problem :)
I am just having some trouble letting go.
What happens is that if I think of someone I know dying, I can’t get rid of this thought of being sick, as unusual as it sounds.
It started when I saw a TV show where a characters father is killed and the character is sick. Ever since seeing this I can’t seem to get rid of the thought and it sometimes drives me into a state of panic.
I never used to be like this before, as I just accepted death as a natural part of life and it did not affect me. But now after seeing this on TV I am having trouble ignoring the urge to feel bad.
I have tried meditation and it helps a little but I can’t fully let go of the troubling thoughts.
I have also tried brain entrainment to aid the meditation but I am still having trouble with letting go.
This problem is driving me crazy and its gone on for far too long now :(
How can I let go of these thoughts and eliminate this bad feeling?
Thanks in advance :)
Hi Anon!
Sorry to hear you’re having these problems. I can certainly help you “let-go” of them.
Please jump right in and get Habit Guide. Inside are two crucial techniques you need to overcome your specific issue. Read through the whole thing paying particular attention to the bad habits advice, and the whole “Live in the Moment” chapter.
I’m confident you can be free of this. Go for it!
All the best! I look forward to hearing from you in the near future,
Mike
Hello,
I came across this website today because I have been having an occuring thought in my mind that I can’t get rid of. It is of my friend who I havn’t spoken to in a couple months. There is no negativity to this thought or image but her name keeps popping into my head and it is starting to really bother me. Once I think that I have made it go away it popps right back. I cannot concentrate properly because I am too focused on ridding this name/thought out of my head. It has been going on for 3 days now. I thought sleep would help, but right when I wake up she pops into my head again. I even tried calling her to see if that would help and it maybe made it worse. I’m obviously obsessing and should take the advice you have given everyone else: to meditate. I have enjoyed reading everyone’s input and I’m sure my mind will clear itself eventually. Thank you
Hiya Sole,
You can’t TRY to MAKE it go away. That is attention and attention is the volume control for thoughts.
Also, if you give IMPORTANCE to the thought, then it’s bound to repeat. You told your sub-conscious mind “this is important to me, give me more of this.”
Do the opposite… don’t TRY — ignore and distract instead.
Don’t give importance, give it the “don’t care” treatment.
Do these simple things, you’ll be amazed.
Good luck, let me know how you get on,
Mike
Hi friends….
I am a new member of this site..
Since last few days this is happening with me…… from my internal I will generate a question which doesn’t seems realistic…. then unusual answers will come in mind……. then mind will say to concentrate on work….. but something will keep on repeating the same things in internal….. can’t sleep peacefully….. in the morning automatically mind will go there and it creates some fear if we dont think about them…………
if we ignore these thoughts … where should we focus ?
what is the best way to create internal happines…. happy without any reason….
Hi Sunny,
The important thing is to be consciously aware of what you are focusing on — work, planning, creativity, whatever you CHOOSE.
Spirituality is heaving with ideas of WHERE to focus but it really doesn’t matter too much as long as you HAVE a focus and you KNOW what it is, you’re AWARE of it.
Common meditation focuses are candles, plants or other objects, prayers, mantras, breath, chakras etc. The idea is to reduce the area of focus to one point via concentration which can then morph into pure consciousness. From there it’s quite a journey if you go deeper.
Happiness without reason. Wow I love that line. Would make a wonderful book title hey!?
Happiness without reason is the aim of my book, Habit Guide. The causes of “happiness without reason” are very simple but also like trying to find needles in a hay stack — took me 20 years to find “the gold nuggets, the gems” of happiness.
So all that great stuff is in Habit Guide and you can make a good start by reading The Happiness Secret free chapter which you can sign up for on our homepage OR just above the comment form on this page.
Best wishes Sunny (love the name :-)
Mike
Dear Mike,
things are improving day by day…….. I will advise other friends on this site also to start meditation with ” OM” Mantra……… it really creates a different peace in us and of course “happiness without any reason and without any one”
One thing I would like to ask mike…. start of the day is very important.. whole day and thoughts depends on how we start our day…….. normally we wake up and all garbage thoughts will come as soon as we open our eyes….. any special trick for this and we can wake up fresh and whole energy can remain in us during the whole day….
Hiya Sunny,
Thanks for recommending us to your friends, that’s wonderful :-)
Racing thoughts in the morning — you need to address the true underlying cause of any problem. Without knowing more about you it’s hard to know what your specific issues are but it always boils down to prolonged sub-optimal lifestyle and habits.
Remove stress from your life as much as possible, eat well, get a regular bedtime routine with relaxation…
And apply FOCUS to a distracted mind. Simply choose. In your case, your mantra can be your default way to bring your mind back to silence.
It’s best to apply a consistent technique because we are wired for habits.
But do address underlying issues because otherwise you’ll always be fire-fighting the problem and making it tough for yourself.
It’s entirely possible to wake up alert and refreshed and peaceful every day. If you put the right causes in place and consistently apply meditation and mindfulness, you will achieve your aim.
Best wishes,
Mike
Dear Mike
As from 3 months ago I had bad thoughts coming out of no where, It was something that happened as an immediate effect, before I never had any of these thoughts. The thoughts are about death… I am not looking forward for anything, I am saying that money aren’t important any more because you are still going to die, why people aren’t afraid like me when they all know they are going to die, No positivity at all!!! and always feeling that I have to end my life to feel good because sometime I also have panic attacks from these situations. My mind is always saying, but why am I living now? why do we live for, what is the reason I was born here, is there any more lives in other planets, will I still keep on seeing the world if I die, what if something happens to my Family? can I get back the past?… These are a few of the thoughts I have running in my mind 24/7 since 3 months ago.. I have an answer for these questions in my hearth but not in my mind. They keep running and running and honestly I was never like that before. I always looked forward for doing new things. Not any more and I am afraid that one day I am going to be mentally very bad and have very bad problems!!!!
Please I need help Mike
Yours sincerely
Cedric
Hi Cedric,
Thanks for reaching out. You did the right thing and you’re in the right place. When I first was sick many moons ago I had permanent swirling dark thoughts. In fact for most of the 13 years of illness, my thoughts were dark and disturbed.
This is largely due to a very “unhappy” inner biochemistry.
I will write to you personally and I will help you be happy again. I’ve been there Cedric and I know the way out.
Mike
Hey,My name is Michaela and I’m 18 years old. I believe that I’m suffering from obsessive thoughts. I’ve been with my boyfriend for a while now and I truly love him more than anything. My mind brings these negative repetitive thoughts on me about our relationship. It forces me to obsess compulsively on whether or not we’ll be together forever and it distracts me on living in the moment. I do not want to leave my boyfriend but i also suffer from negative thoughts telling myself that I’m a horrible girlfriend and that I have nothing good or remotely interesting to talk about. My mother is going through her second divorce so I’m thinking that has something to do with my obsessive thoughts. I also breakdown and get obsessive of where i’m going to be in the future. please help me i’m suffering so much and i’m driving myself completely crazy. I keep trying to tell myself to stop thinking about these thoughts and I know they’re not true but they just surrender in my mind. If you could write me an email back that would be great. Thank You.
Hi Michaela,
A few things to do and understand straight away;
1. Simply notice the thoughts coming in and and let them go. Don’t engage them. Don’t have a conversation with unwanted thoughts. Once you’ve identifed a thought as unwanted, give it no attention.
2. Understand: thoughts aren’t absolutely true, they are conditioned. That means the more you engage them the more they come up, the more you make them HABIT and the harder they are to shift.
3. Do not give the quality of “importance” to unwanted thoughts. Do the opposite… attach a quality of “no importance”… shrug them off.
4. Try to get gaps between thoughts. Don’t have a constant dialogue in your head. There is a whole chapter in Habit Guide that shows you how to do this effectively.
5. If your mind is swirling, pick something external like a tree or a flower and stare at it with as much intensity as you can muster. Do it for about 10 secs. Your mind will go quiet. Then go back to letting thoughts come and go, noticing the gaps (background) with as much attention as the thought (content).
6. Don’t try to “hold them down.” That is attention. Attention is the volume control for thoughts.
7. Understand: The quality of thoughts is related to your overall lifestyle. Look after yourself well.
8. Don’t look for trouble; don’t look for unwanted thoughts to see if they are still there or project an unwanted scenario into your imagined future.
Practice these things with enthusiasm and persistance and they will transform the way you think.
Sorry if my amswer seems a bit staccato, I thought a bullet list would be more effective for you right now and give you some quick relief from the pain of these unwanted thoughts :-) I will write to you personally tomorrow.
Ciao for now,
M x
Hi Mike,
Came across this site a while ago and was hoping that you’d be able to offer some advice. My stories not that dissimilar to anon who you were talking to some time ago.
I have been in a relationship for just over two years now on and off. About eight months in, I was a bit bored in the relationship I guess and I wondered what was wrong, constantly looking for a solution. Then all of a sudden I considered the worst case scenario that I didn’t love her anymore. I should have just assumed that the infatuation stage was over e.t.c. but once I’d had this horrible thought, not only did I start to believe it, but I started panicking and believing I wanted to leave.
I stuck with it though, however I found myself constantly evaluating the relationship all the time! It was all I had in my life at that point, and I guess I just had this unrealistic vision of love that its constant infatuation. We still managed to have great times despite this, and my favourite thing was to treat her. However if something went wrong, I felt low or something reminded me of what had previously hapened, I would start to think I didn’t love her anymore.
It eventually got too much for me and I gave into these desires to leave. I was devastated, but things improved because I wasn’t constantly thinking about the situation. Then one day I heard she had moved on, (she hadn’t luckily) and I was so heartbroken it was untrue!! I tried to convince myself it was jealousy but I wasn’t convinced. So three months after we split, we saw each other again. I was immediately attracted to her again, I knew I cared for her, and we had a good time. So we have decided to give it another go. Just more slowly (we no longer live together).
Problem is that because I never found a solution to the original problem and I keep repeating these beliefs that I don’t love her and I don’t care. But if I didn’t, I wouldn’t be putting myself through all this surely?! We have great times together when I am not thinking about this and to be honest apart from this thing with my mind, there is nothing else wrong with the relationship and I know if I did leave I would just look for someone else like her and kick myself for giving up over something so trivial.
I constantly search the net looking for consolation in that I can fall back in love. People I’ve spoken to believe I’ve never lost the love and neither does she. I guess I must love her, I do care for her a lot. But then when I think that, my mind seems to counter it in an attempt to assess its absolutely true! How do I stop thinking these thoughts so I can give this relationship a proper try? I know that it could work if I could get rid of these thoughts!!
Hi Overthinker,
Thoughts and beliefs become thought habits that we identify with and that’s the problem right there.
So once you recognize that this is just a conditioned thought and therefore “not true” you are free to get rid of it.
You can only get rid of it by ignoring it, taking your attention away and giving it “no importance.”
Unwanted thoughts will hang around because they are conditioned. They come up by association, by being triggered.
But if you persistently and consistently take your attention AWAY from unwanted thoughts, the quanity and intensity will gadually die away.
All of this assumes you have the ability to do it. And that means AWARENESS. You simply cannot do a thing about unwanted thoughts if your whole attention is sucked into them and if you IDENTIFY with them.
There is you and there is the thought… 2 things. That’s what you need to start with. You have “to catch yourself” doing it… meaning you have that stand-back position. You are the observer, the witness of thoughts.
The best way to learn this is meditation. Regular meditation will make you life a whole lot happier because you learn to no longer just be a puppet of thinking. You get to choose “yes” or “no” to thoughts.
And that means a choice to give more attention to any idea or not.
So… start regular meditation… even just 5 minutes at the same time every day. This will gradually improve thought awareness and your ability to choose.
Then in every day life, practice “mindfulness” which simply means giving all your attention to what you are doing. It’s like meditation but the focus is what you’re doing, what is happening.
When you have a focus, you have a frame of reference by which you can notice thoughts IN CONTRAST.
So you learn not to split your attention.
If thoughts are swirling then intensify the practice. RIVET your attention onto something you choose, or RIVET you attention inward and catch the next thought that comes out.
Again this takes you higher into awareness where you actually have choice.
It’s about ATTENTION and choosing where to put it.
Learn to meditate, and take attention away quickly from unwanted thoughts to diffuse their power.
Pretty soon you will laugh at these little gremlins pretending to be you.
They are simpy comditioned… by you in innocence of what you’re doing, by your culture, your peers, by the media, by movies and adverts. To believe thoughts are you, to identifiy with them is a big big problem.
You can see how you yourself created this by your focus onto an idea which you built into something bigger, gave it power by your attention.
So the solution is to do the opposite. Remove your attention and these thoughts will diminish over time.
Good luck! Let me know how you get on.
Mike
Thanks Mike,
It is hard because these thoughts have hung around for so long, I start to feel I want to leave. But I think thats only because of the anxiety this causes me. When we are together, things never seem quite so bad.
I think the key is that despite feeling like I want to, I try everything in my power to stop myself and look for solutions/tell myself solutions to combat these thoughts. I know I care for her, whenever shes upset all my ill feelings are put aside just so I can try and make her feel better. I’ve just got to stop evaluating every single moment we have together, I know there are going to be low times. It would be stupid to think otherwise but when it does happen it seems like theres no hope and its the end.
With your advice I think I can make a go of it. Though I do have a couple of questions. First off, where could I go for advice/methods on meditation. I must admit I have no idea! Second, when I get these thoughts I become extremely anxious and it makes me want to run away. Any methods you can suggest to help me calm that down, because I reckon I could deal with these thoughts a bit better if the physical panicky symptoms weren’t quite so bad. I just want to shut down my fight or flight cause its causing me immense pain and confusion.
Fortunately for me she is very supportive and is trying to help me through this.
(btw thanks for the speedy reply, very much appreciated)
Hiya “O”
You CANNOT think your way out. That simply adds to the maze of unwanted thoughts. It’s more attention.
There are lots of meditation techniques. A simple one is to count your breaths. Sit down with your back upright and cup your hands on your lap.
Simply become aware of your breathing and count each outbreath 1…2…3… up to 10 and start again from 1. If you lose track, start again from one.
Anxiety: this as you said is fight or flight so the best thing to do is “fight or flight.” Hit a puch bag for 5 minutes, go for a run, do press ups, skip, beat up your pillows… whatever you can do that’s appropriate in that moment.
You have to try to stop thoughts triggering anxiety. Do this by taking your attention away from unwanted thoughts QUICKLY.
Have a consistent re-direct. I suggest just pick something that you can see around you and rivet your attention onto it. You are choosing not to pay attention to the unwanted thought and instead, to pay attention to you chosen object.
This consistent re-direct will become a new thought habit and whenever the unwanted thought comes up you will automatically intensely focus elsewhere.
And you get better at spotting the arising thought which will improve your ability to quickly take your attention away before it triggers the anxiety.
Trust your feelings to find the truth. Not the feelings that comes with unwanted thoughts but the deeper ones that are there when you are very quiet.
Mike
Hi Mike,
My problem has been that these thoughts turn into beliefs as you say. Its hard to convince myself that this isn’t what I want. Thing is though, I know that if all this wasn’t happening, I know we could be great together. And thats what keeps me going. That and when we are together, I genuinely care for her and like to be there for her. I won’t just run away, not anymore. “When you’re going through hell, keep going!” We will reach the otherside, we generally do. Then I fall back into it! I am going to do what you advise because this is a part of me i don’t want to give into! (one thing goes wrong and i run!) Nothing in this life worth having comes easy!
I just hope this situation can change and with help I’m sure it can. Theres no logic to panicking! A friend of mine said that the fact I am panicking at these thoughts shows them thoughts are not what I want at all, I hope thats the case. I always thought it meant i wanted to run away and didn’t want to stay. Being anxious and panicky is like being drunk though, you can’t trust your feelings and instincts in that state. I am determined to stick around for a while and not give in. I’m young and i have all the time and i guess that my situation isn’t uncommon….just how i’ve reacted to it. Really struggling at the moment.
Hi “O” hope you don’t mind me calling you “O” :-)
“Its hard to convince myself that this isn’t what I want.”
Because you believe your thought habits. If I asked you “Do you want to seperate.” and you answer without calling up your memory of these thoughts, you’d say “no.”
So the battle is your own choice over some past thoughts which you started to believe in.
If a thought doesn’t serve you simply drop it by taking your attention away when it comes up.
It’s like if I know there are lions around, my brain is constantly reminding me to beware of them and I’ll probably spend a good deal of time figuring out how to not get eaten.
But if a ranger tells me all the lions have been shot, I can override the old programming with my conscious intelligence and will.
There old fears and thoughts would probably still come up for quite some time because they work on association and habit but every time I override them with the knowledge that “there are no lions” they subside and eventually disappear. Especially if the new idea is reinforced by the facts that I never see any more lions, and everyone else says the same.
You see you must consciously override old programming by recognizing that it NO LONGER SERVES YOU.
When the old thoughts come up you do not “entertain them” you do not engage in a mental dialogue and you do not give them importance.
“I know that if all this wasn’t happening, I know we could be great together.”
Exactly. If I could hard wire your brain so you just couldn’t think these thoughts any more what would happen? You would just be happy together. Isn’t that what you want?
So once you’d identified a thought you don’t want simply recognize it as such and remove your attention from it. Why would you give importance to a thought that you don’t want? Only if you believe it is YOU, a false identification.
That’s the same as me believing “there are lions” is me. Which clearly isn’t true.
Arising thoughts are only what you put in there consciously or unconsciously.
“this is a part of me i don’t want to give into!”
That very statement will ensure a never ending battle.
“This is a part of me I’m letting go off, that means nothing to me, just old silly ideas that I paid attention to and grew by my attention.” Then drop, pay attention elsewhere. That will get the job done.
“Nothing in this life worth having comes easy!”
It doesn’t come easy but stays easy. All learning is habit, like riding a bike… it doesn’t COME easy but once learned never forgotten.
If you get REALLY good at thinking in this dysfunctional way, it will get harder and harder to drop. Drop it now and install a new habit re-direct.
“A friend of mine said that the fact I am panicking at
these thoughts shows them thoughts are not what I want at all”
I would agree.
“Being anxious and panicky is like being drunk though, you can’t trust your feelings and instincts in that state.”
Very true… RUN off that adrenaline. Take FLIGHT.
“Really struggling at the moment.”
If your mind is swirling do the 10 second “no-mind” technique. Stare at some object or look intensely for the nect thought. Both these will make your mind go quiet as long as you aren’t too anxious.
Learn to stop thinking at will. That’s an incredibly important and powerful skill to have.
Mike
Mike, I have been having this thought that I dont love my partner. We have been together for 11 wonderful years and for the last 14 months I keep getting this thought. It really stresses me out and so depresses me. Some days are really good and I can have this thought and let it go, but other days it stays with me for days or weeks. I am not sure where it is comming from. I saw a psychiatrist who said there is no doubt you love your partner, honestly I could never leave him. This thought is ruining my life I have never had something that has been with me for so long, and the thought of leaving just makes me so upset. I know the thought is a lie but why is it always there
Hi John,
If we react to a thought with great emotion–like fear or anxiety, it will amplify that thought 1000 times and it will come back with great urgency and frequency.
That’s why I keep saying “give it NO importance.”
The part of your brain that generates these thoughts is very primitive.
When the thought comes up you must have the right attitude. That is vital. You cannot continue to think it’s important and then expect it to go away.
You can trust that if you give it no importance when it comes up, that the intensity and frequency of the thought will die away.
When the thought comes up, simply observe it dispassionately, attach a quality of “no importance” and shift your attention away.
Don’t expect the thought to come or look for it or try to hold it down. All that is attention. Accept that the lie may continue to come up for a little while because you programmed it there by attention, by emotion, by frequency.
And as you’ve tried to fight it off, you gave it even greater emotion and attention and continued to amplify it.
After you observe the lie with “no importance,” shift your focus onto what you love about your partner. The more you do that and the more emotion you feel when doing it, will amplify that.
You have choice and you choose with your attention.
All the best,
Mike
Oh John…. You were asking why it is there.
You don’t need to know “why” to get rid of it.
But I imagine it went something like…
You were having a bad day and your partner was doing stuff that was annoying. You projected your bad feelings onto him and you thought/felt “I don’t love him anymore.”
The idea and feeling shocked you and you began to question everything. The more you questioned, the more your stability and security were threatened. You became confused.
The confusion, instability and insecurity fueled more anxiety, more powerful thoughts, more unsettling feelings.
The more you thought “I don’t love him,” the more his behavior begins to match because you make yourself accutely aware and irritated by behavior you don’t like. And you put out a vibe that reflects what you are thinking/feeling and so that must affect him. We all are connected.
And so it goes…
This is what can happen so easily when we believe our thoughts and we don’t see the big picture–when we empower thoughts with meaning they don’t warrant.
And the big picture means “the true causes.” When we feel bad we so often “project” reasons onto stuff that is NOT the true cause.
Mike
Mike, you are so right. I know exactly when the thought started it was something he was doing to make me feel better but I thought it was controlling. Thanks for the response helps a lot and am ordering the book today. Thanks again
That’s wonderful John. Let me know what you think. My email address is in there if you need help putting it into practice. And please do let me know how you get on with everything… the thoughts and so on.
All the best
Mike
Hi Mike,
Yeah, I don’t mind being called “O”. Unfortunately things have taken a turn for the worst. I am at my lowest. I feel like I don’t even want things to work anymore. Problem is, I don’t know if its my thoughts or the truth now. I present myself with the worst case scenario to these situations.
I made a decision a while ago that I was going to stick with it. Reason was I know she is good for me (lets face it, its not her fault i’m like this) and despite feeling like I desperatly want to leave, I don’t. I cannot upset her, I just can’t do it!! I do things to make her smile and reassure her STILL! We have been in this situation before, but although we may not pull through as such, things do improve. I want to stick with it and my morals alone find it just unacceptable to abandon her again, I WILL NOT do that to her again. But this panic and anxiety comes because I have these thoughts and i’ve decided to stay. I can’t stop this panicking and it depresses me so much.
I just don’t honestly know whats thought or me anymore? I know one thing for sure though, this whole being panicky around her is ridiculous. I tried to comprimise with myself and be her friend for now and see if the feelings come back but I panicked at that and felt like i didn’t want that. It is ridiculous being like that! If I didn’t care or anything like that, I wouldn’t be so reassuring to her!! Or try and reach comprimises with myself.
I seem to by habit present barriers to all solutions. I don’t know whether its because it is now habit or whether its me. I would seriously hate myself if it was the latter. She is a wonderful person who frankly doesn’t deserve this. I am still trying the meditation but it seems that by sheer conditioning over the past 15 months, it is so hard to stop!!
“O”
“I don’t even want things to work anymore.”
Living with panic is unbearable. Who could blame you for wanting relief? If you don’t do what it takes, you are bound to leave sooner or later because no one would want to live like that.
But the situation is not the cause of your problem, it’s how you’ve reacted to it — the thoughts you had and how you reacted to them.
Now it SEEMS like you’re in a mess, you don’t know where “you” start and end in relation to all this.
My friend in the article was JUST the same. Although his problem was different, the way it played out is exactly the same as yours.
The solution is the same too and you must start to TRUST what I’m telling you before you will see evidence of it in your life and situation.
Here’s a new belief.. “Thoughts are not me.”
That is true and I want you to ponder it over and over until it’s part of you.
I also want you to make a firm decision. For one month you will decide to DROP this whole subject.
Give yourself a mental break from all this.
Of course, it won’t drop you for a little while but ACCEPT and be happy about that. It will go sure enough, you can trust that and I will help you through but you must do what I say because right now, you can’t see what’s going on. You can’t see the big picture clearly here because you’re in a state of anxiety.
So… belief, decision, acceptance so far so good.
Now you are ready for the big one…
Distraction.
Whenever ANY THOUGHT to do with this comes up, RIVET your attention onto something else.
FIGHT for your attention, fight with all your might. RESIST the urge to think about all this and pick things to do and focus on that take your mind AWAY from this.
At first you must FIGHT because you are anxious and you have swirling thoughts but soon it gets easy.
You will soon find lots of ways to distract your mind from this.
DO IT
There is no better or easier solution for you. ALL other outcomes are unpleasant.
Read a book, watch TV, listen to music, go for a run, meditate… whatever. NO MORE THINKING ABOUT THIS FOR ONE MONTH.
At first it will be hard to hold your attention away because your mind will insist on warning you about the thing you told it you feared. Like I said to John, this is a primitive part of your brain and it will keep warning you of whatever you fear. So when these thoughts come up, you must attach the NEW QUALITY of NO IMPORTANCE.
You must trust me on this and drop your own ideas — just on this one subject for one month.
COMMIT to this way and you will see RAPID results.
Put all your power and will behind this way — DISTRACTION.
DO NOT allow your attention to these thoughts.
After a few days you will not need to fight anymore, it will become very easy.
But still then, whenever you are aware of a thought that is NOT ALLOWED, then same thing — remove your attention from it QUICKLY.
So… belief, decision, acceptance, commitment, DISTRACTION, NO IMPORTANCE.
And… try to burn up adrenaline with exercise.
“O”, put your power behind this way. There is no other acceptable solution for you right now — stay and be miserable or leave and lose your girl.
PLUS you still have the tendency to do this and it could easily repeat in other relationships if you don’t nip it in the bud right now.
You must COMMIT to this way with heart and soul. DITHERING will not do it.
You must be clear and have a calm resolve.
Within only a few days, the anxiety will drop away and you will see things in a whole new light.
For now trust me and do these things.
NO ATTENTION.
ZERO, NIL
Fight for that, fight for your ATTENTION.
Put it SOMEWHERE ELSE.
This will work if you do the things I say. You must give up YOUR WAY which ISN’T WORKING.
Trust me and you will see evidence very soon.
Good luck
Mike.
“PLUS you still have the tendency to do this and it could easily repeat in other relationships if you don’t nip it in the bud right now.”
I do agree with this and although I may not feel it now, she is a good girl and could be good for me. I guess I’m having trouble with this because I’m trying to win her back on a purely logical state rather than emotional if that makes sense? But as you say both solutions to my current predicament are unacceptable. I could lose someone who cares for me deeply or stay and be miserable. Plus there is no reason to be absolutely panicky and not give things a chance with a new outlook.
Thanks Mike, and I will keep you up to date with what happens. Its just so hard to not run away. I trust what you’re saying because the breif few times that I do forget about things, I can have fun with her. Plus its something I haven’t been able to do yet. I am going to give it all I can, I guess the hardest times are when we will be together. I have made some promises to be with her over christmas and I don’t want to go back on them, the panic in me makes me want to though.
I do hope that I can forget about this and that I want to be in this relationship again becasue right now I feel like I don’t. I’m convinced that this is me, but as we keep saying, what I think and do are seperate things and I’m still here taking her feelings into consideration.
“the brief few times that I do forget about things, I can have fun with her.”
FORGET is the state we’re after here.
Give yourself a month off, relax and see what happens.
If you truly don’t want to be in the relationship, you won’t be doing her any favors by staying and “protecting her feelings.”
But I don’t think you know what you want at the moment. FORGET for a month. See what happens.
Mark it in your diary… Feb 1 — review. You can then mentally divert everything to that date.
When you start to feel panic, QUICKLY RIVET your focus onto something external, like a tree.. anything.
That will prevent the anxiety from developing.
Forget, see what happens and review at the beginning of Feb… but no more than a one hour review, don’t ramp all this back up again.
And if you decide to leave then or just be friends or whatever so be it. You are both young.
Yes, please let me know how it pans out for you.
All the best
Mike
“I’m trying to win her back on a purely logical state rather than emotional if that makes sense?”
Yeah, it says you want out but you’re trying to convince yourself of reasons to stay.
Listen, your emotions are perverted by all this panic. Atm you don’t know what you want or truly feel.
So… keep your mind strictly of this subject, distract, forget cetera and see what happens.
You can’t know ’til you are calm and lucid and happy.
ciao
Mike
Hi,Mike i have been having the worsts thoughts that go against my religion [ im christian] i just feel so helpless i hate these thoughts i somtimes feel like im not worthy and that im a bad person but i am not! i pray about 5 times a day,but somtimes i just lose hope that they will leave. i have been having them for two months. i would never ever do or say any of these awful thoughts, they are ruining my life please tell me what to do
Hi Sese,
When we make unwanted thoughts important, when we resist and fight them, when we identify with them, they become stronger.
Simply do the opposite… see them as “not me,” don’t fight but be indifferent to them, give them no importance and remove your attention from them–ignore them essentially.
Do this with faith and they will gradually fade away.
Use prayer meditatively to increase your awareness–that is “your ability to catch yourself thinking.”
Stick with your prayer routines but pick a powerful prayer that you love and repeat mentally… slowly… dropping each word one by one like dropping pebbles into a pool.
Do this to master your thinking, your attention.
With your routine already established, you will make rapid progress.
Let me know how you get on,
All the best,
Mike
I just wanted to say that since I read this board and purchased the guide that to date I have had no issues at all. Thanks Mike you have honestly changed my life
Hiya John,
Wow, thanks so much for the feedback… it really makes my day to hear that! :-)
Thank you!
you are sooo right, aren’t you?
I mean we control our thoughts it’s simple if we wanna see it that way hmm but if we want to see it otherwise it just makes things worse, look I suffer so bad cause I have this “thought problem” I do… and I HATE it so bad it’s way much more than I can bear.
Sometimes I say: I’m in HELL, how do I get out? and I can, it’s easy, but sometimes I just keep on going, eventually, at the end I get back on track, you know.
All I have to say is: I control myself yeaah!
And I do, I know I do, isn’t it? sometimes even nosies and sounds distract me but I try my hardest to ignore them cause I know they aren’t worth a second of worry in MY mind.
Sometimes I even hear voices inside my head and as insane as it is I freak out I don’t know what to do it’s like I loose contact with reality, but after all I get back in touch with my real life not the one in my head.
Hi Diane,
When the mind is swirling like that it’s best to try to get it to be quiet rather than try to “control” thinking itself at that point.
You need to take attention AWAY from thinking. Higher.
Rivet your attention onto something or intensely look for the next thought. Both these things take you higher into awareness rather than all your attention being sucked into thinking.
And you can make both these into a longer meditation every day that will make it easier and easier for you to stop thinking at will — to switch your brain off, or to think consciously.
You’re right… a runaway mind IS hell.
Hi Mike
I’ve been having this unwanted thought which I thought it would go away after a while but it has been annoying me for a few years now.
The thought itself is just about feeling ill, but its triggered if i think about being present at an accident (say a car accident for example) or someone dying.
The problem is that if this thought pops up, ill start to feel slightly ill or anxious of being ill.
It only became a problem when I saw an episode of a tv show where a characters father dies, and they are sick.
I used to be completely indifferent about the whole thing as I’ve been through a few life dilemmas and been completely calm about them all, but now I’ve slowly became worse and worse.
I’ve started to meditate and it does help a great deal clearing my head, but the thought still manages to get into my head and triggers the ill feeling.
I will keep meditating thought, I want to go back to my calmer self as this is making life harder for me :(
Hi Mac,
Lots of folks have been sharing their unwanted thoughts here, and you too. But it doesn’t matter what the thought is, as long as you’ve identified you don’t want it.
Be sure to read the comments to the article too which explain a little more about the moment to moment “to dos” when you get unwanted thoughts.
It basically boils down to giving them no importance and quickly taking your attention away.
Also, the quality of our thinking is related to our overall health and vitality. This is so important really. Do try to look after ALL the lifestyle elements that factor into the quality of your thoughts.
And that means… a harmonious biochemistry… a body that functioning as it should and so producing clear thinking.
All the best,
Mike
actually this site brought me into deep insight about my life,
i should thank all the guys who have been developing trhis site in order to help people understand their life,really this is a great work
Well thank you Ruwan. The “guys” very much appreciate your appreciation :-)
Mike ‘n’ James
Hi Mike,
Remember me? I took your advice of just forgetting about things and to some extent it has helped me to calm down a bit. However the habit of constantly thinking about it is still there. It is still an emergency in my life that I feel MUST be solved.
We spend time together and when I do leave my mind switched off, things are still good. However I had a bad time over christmas and panicked and I just wanted her out of my life for good.
And then it hit me……that isn’t me or at least its not who I want to be. It doesn’t matter how I feel, I don’t want to be the type of person who abandons someone because I’m scared of being around them. Like I said she is a great person. So the goal is still as you say, get to a point where I’m calm with everything, and see what happens.
I think I’m not helped by this warped illusion I have of love. I seem to do things to prove I love her, despite sometimes not wanting to. I thought that the reluctance was me not being in love. Who knows? People think I am in love, otherwise I’d leave. I just don’t know. As I say, I have been faced with the prospect of her nearly having someone else and it destroyed me. Should you be in love with someone 100% of the time? Maybe not, but I shouldn’t feel like this.
We spent new years together and things weren’t even remotely as bad. We had a good time actually. OK I was tense, but under the current circumstances, its understandable.
I know I’ve ranted a bit, its just whenever I do let slip and think about things, tonnes of questions pop into my head. Is this just a commitment issue? If it was love, shouldn’t I know now? When I’m happy things are fine, but is the anxiety coming back because I expect it to or do I want to leave?! I just look for significance in everything and I can’t help it. I have time to let this play out, I shouldn’t be panicking! Its just I have nothing else to think about. My job is part time, and has currently dried up so theres no respite there.
I made a mistake of looking to how I felt in the past, a particularly negative time which didn’t help, and further cemented in my mind there was an issue! I just want to enjoy being with her, I don’t care what as anymore, she is a wonderful person who is good in my life!! More importantly, I’m good for her, she wants me in her life! But I feel I’ve gone and ruined it.
Now I’ve ranted I am going to calm down now as you said. But any insight you have would be appreciated.
Hi O
“I took your advice of just forgetting about things and to some extent it has helped me to calm down a bit. However the habit of constantly thinking about it is still there. It is still an emergency in my life that I feel MUST be solved.”
OK what we have here is failure to follow the advice! :-) Don’t take it personally because habits are tricky, the mind is tricky and there is belief that you ARE your thoughts, making it difficult to let go of them.
The solutions are SIMPLE but you must trust me and let go of your own ideas around this. YOU CANNOT THINK YOUR WAY OUT!!
You say that it helped you to some extent. Well BINGO! That is progress. You don’t say…. well I’m not yet free so I’ll go back to thinking about all of this to figure it out.
THERE IS NOTHING TO FIGURE OUT.
There was IMPROVEMENT. Hence the method works. So you can now have more faith that what I said works and give MORE commitment to the method, a stronger decision and resolve. Because now you have evidence in your EXPERIENCE.
“Calm down a bit” is GOOD! Keep going and you’ll calm down ALL THE WAY. From that calm place you will see the truth of how you feel and it’s my guess that you will feel happy about being with your girl. But if not, you will STILL see the situation clearly and calmly, not with all this frantic thinking and “problem solving.”
THERE IS NO PROBLEM TO SOLVE.
The ANXIETY IS the problem and that is generated by wrong thinking.
—
“We spend time together and when I do leave my mind switched off, things are still good.”
Great… do the “switch off” thing then… more of that. A LOT of that.
“And then it hit me……that isn’t me or at least its not who I want to be.”
Great again… Who do you want to be then?
“It doesn’t matter how I feel, I don’t want to be the type of person who abandons someone because I’m scared of being around them.”
There is no need. She isn’t the problem, it’s all this problem making and overthinking. The problem SEEMS real but it isn’t. And I know that because if I could hard-wire your brain so you couldn’t think anything about this, only good things would happen as a result. The problem IS the thinking itself… you’ve created an unsolvable problem, hence the anziety.
The problem is CIRCULAR and feeds back on itself — thinking creating anxiety creating disturbed thinking creating more anxiety ad infinitum. The only exit is to stop the thinking.
The “problem” is a fabrication, an illusion consisting of thoughts and thought habits.
“Like I said she is a great person. So the goal is still as you say, get to a point where I’m calm with everything, and see what happens.”
You already know how to do that. You know how to “leave my mind switched off.” Deal with this in the in-between times. Actually at all times. DO NOT think about how you can NOT be anxious around her. That is projecting into the future, the event “anxious around her” and then trying to solve it. It cannot be done because the thinking is creating the anxiety and your attention in the in-between times os shining a big spotlight on your time together as “BATTLE.”
Just drop the whole thing. Drop the problem and when it comes up (habit) choose a different focus. Rivet your attention onto something. DO NOT dwell or give the slightest attention to this illusion.
“I think I’m not helped by this warped illusion I have of love. I seem to do things to prove I love her, despite sometimes not wanting to.”
Forget about love. Love is illogical. You cannot think anthing about it. You can only remember it or experience it. Even the greatest poems about love give the reader NOTHING of the experience. It cannot be done.
You wanting to prove it shows you are stuck in an over-intellectual world view. It’s a phase I think everyone goes through. “I will build a big mental map of reality and solve ever life riddle, then I will be safe.”
That cannot be done nor is it effective. The false idea that life can be controlled will only make you more and more miserable, confused and TENSE.
“I thought that the reluctance was me not being in love. Who knows? People think I am in love, otherwise I’d leave. I just don’t know. As I say, I have been faced with the prospect of her nearly having someone else and it destroyed me. Should you be in love with someone 100% of the time? Maybe not, but I shouldn’t feel like this.”
Anxiety distorts everything. When you are calm you are happy. Trust that.
“When I’m happy things are fine, but is the anxiety coming back because I expect it to or do I want to leave?!”
Remember I said review Feb 1? Do that… still. Get calm for a long old time… see what happens, stop clinging and fretting and worrying about this. Let it play out in whatever way.
“Its just I have nothing else to think about. My job is part time, and has currently dried up so theres no respite there.”
Wonderful.. lots of time for exercise and meditation :-)
“I just want to enjoy being with her, I don’t care what as anymore, she is a wonderful person who is good in my life!! More importantly, I’m good for her, she wants me in her life!”
Sounds good to me… go with that for now…. review later… feb 1, then mar 1, then apr 1. Postpone you constant reviews. All you end up doing is reviewing your reviews! It all just because a confusing maze of mudding thinking about a riddle that cannot ever be solved.
Decide!!!!! No more!!!! Review feb 1.
Hi Mike,
Thanks for the help. It is tough going at the moment which as you say makes the problem seem more urgent than it really is. Its just one of these things that you find yourself doing automatically, trying to solve the problem. I guess its because I have a fear that when I am more calm, I will still feel like I want to leave. I guess it shows that really the only thing making me want to leave is the panic and anxiety I feel when I’m not head over heels infatuated. But whatever, back to meditating and trying to get rid of these thoughts. Giving in now would be pointless.
I was going to see her this weekend but I’m snowed in now. I was both looking forward to and dreading it at the same time.
About the over intellectual view of the world, I think you’re right. I always thought that suppressing your feelings and thoughts was a bad thing, and you should always go with them. But now I’ve realised its not in my best interests to do it all the time. They can take you up the easy path, which means you can miss out on so much.
“It is tough going at the moment which as you say makes the problem seem more urgent than it really is. Its just one of these things that you find yourself doing automatically, trying to solve the problem.”
Yes, spot on… drop the problem, see what happens.
“I guess its because I have a fear that when I am more calm, I will still feel like I want to leave.”
I really don’t think that will be what you want, but if so, why deny what you feel is best in the situation? But the very fact you FEAR that it is what you will want probably means you REALLY don’t want to leave. Drop the thinking, get calm and you will “see” things much clearer.
“I guess it shows that really the only thing making me want to leave is the panic and anxiety I feel when I’m not head over heels infatuated.”
Infatuation is a short phase. Lack of infatuation means nothing.
“But whatever, back to meditating and trying to get rid of these thoughts.”
Be sure to “try” in the right way. The effort is to hold your mind away. Don’t fight with thoughts directly which fuels them even more… distraction is the trick.
“I always thought that suppressing your feelings and thoughts was a bad thing, and you should always go with them.”
Suppression is bad because you are “holding it down” which is putting your attention on it.
BLOCKING however is fine. A STOP…. BAH, AH AH AH. NO. Then attention elsewhere.
A block is simply “clearing your mind field.”
The trick is to remove your awareness, your attention away from unwanted thoughts. That is a free choice… yes or no to thoughts. You don’t “have to allow then, to go with them.” No, you can choose and you choose with your attention, the FOCUS of your attention.
“But now I’ve realised its not in my best interests to do it all the time. They can take you up the easy path, which means you can miss out on so much.”
Thinking becomes more and more automatic as we get older because there is more programming “in there.” Children are free, happy and unburdened by thought-habits.
We MUST make thinking into a conscious activity again and stop all this auto-pilot. We do that by simply listening to the mind-chatter, observing it as much as possible and taking our attention away from unwanted thoughts.
If a good idea pops in, then we can choose attention to that. CHOOSE. The main state though is simple one of observation — of listening. See what pops up and choose yes or no, more attention or not. It’s a very simple way and will transform your whole life… awareness, choice.
Then we are not just REACTIVE… we have FREEDOM.
“I really don’t think that will be what you want, but if so, why deny what you feel is best in the situation? But the very fact you FEAR that it is what you will want probably means you REALLY don’t want to leave.”
Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn’t. But all the time we are together, as much as I like her and enjoy her company, I am plagued by these thoughts or by evaluating everything. The last thing I want to do in this world is to hurt her, and I fear I will do if I give it a shot and it turns out its not what I want. Equally, I can imagine doing what I did last time and leaving and realising I’m looking for those exact qualities she possesses in someone! Also I don’t want her to feel like I’m using her.
Our thinking should serve us as you say. The problem is that I don’t know whether these “leave her” thoughts are serving me in the long run, or really ARE thoughts that could be broken. I agree that if you could hard wire my brain so as not to remember any of this, we would be alright. But is the reason that these thoughts keep coming back the truth? Sometimes the only reason they come back are because I hope they won’t. Other times they are random. Weirdly, whenever I eat I feel anxious and it makes the whol;e thing worse but I’m guessing thats either me conditioning it or a hormone thing.
Essentially I am going off the basis that she is a nice girl, looks after me and when I’m not having these thoughts I enjoy looking after her. I would be a fool to leave her cause I can almost guarantee I will find no one else who loves me like she does. And that thought really hurts. Its got to a point now where I truly hate myself for not being able to make it work with someone like this. The thought of leaving seems desirable, but I choose to say no because of the above. I question myself now whether I’m doing it for the right reasons. I hate to admit it, but I even thought that if she weren’t around then I wouldn’t have to worry about all this. But thats not the person I am, thats just the hurt I’m going through now talking. And then I once again go back to the example that I would hurt if she found someone else, even if it is for a while.
I know I’m taking up a lot of your message board, and for that I’m truly sorry. But the way I see it is that I am really confused and in a lot of pain, and if anyone else out there reads this and is in the same situation and maybe gets some comfort out of it and the answers you give, then its worth it. Also, this could easily happen again and it is something that I never want to experience again!
As I said in my last post, I am still going to do the meditation and stick around for a while. Guess I just need some sign that I’m doing the right thing, despite what I feel inside.
I truly appreciate the help, because it does help and more importantly gives me some hope! Its very difficult to put into practice but I am trying. Again, a reason I feel I may be fighting the sad inevitable. Its quite weird though, cause when I can convince myself things will be alright if I give them a try, I feel aleviated and happy which is probably another reason that I keep thinking and trying to convince myself I’m doing the right thing.
Is it wrong to do what I’m doing despite the way I’m feeling when it could lead to hurt eventually for more than just me? Is it wrong to try and protect someones feelings? I know her feelings aren’t the ONLY reason i’m staying, I’d like to say I’m that selfless, but I’m not. And its not just a sex thing before anyone thinks that of me.
I know its quite hard to believe but I’m actually not that messed up. This is the only aspect of my life I am having real trouble with, problem is is that it has BECOME my whole life. If you knew what I did as a job, you would realise why my mind is always overactive and always analysing my thoughts. I’m thinking that maybe if I remove it from the centre of my life then I could be rational, but when its been the centre of your life for 15 months, thats pretty difficult. I want to stop hoping one way or the other and just get on with it, because if I didn’t have that small desire to go it would definitly succeed. Theres nothing else wrong!
I guess my ranting on gives you a little insight into my mind. Thanks again for continuing to reply, it means a lot. I think the work that you do for people is brilliant and people like me are lucky to have somewhere to vent and get some support.
just wanted to thank you for your article on how to get rid of unwanted thoughts and ocd – i have had ocd for 36 years and had 15 years of treatment to no avail. the article i just read that you wrote helped me more than years of cbt and therapy . thankyou :-) hayley x
Hi “O”
You have restated the problem in the most eloquent way but it doesn’t change the fact that the problem cannot be solved logically — by more thinking.
You can only leave or stay. Leaving gives you no options whereas staying allows things to develop, for you to get more clarity, to try things out without all the thinking. It allows for possibility.
At the moment your dilemma has NO viable solution that doesn’t leave you with “what ifs.”
In your situation I would very simply drop the problem by not engaging it. Thoughts come and go… just let them do that without empowering them or getting sucked into a never ending dialogue. If they insist, you insist by riveting your attention elsewhere. This can happen if your mind “thinks” you are in danger or you are anxious.
All this assumes you have awareness — the ability to observe thoughts dispassionately. This you improve by practicing meditation.
Doing all this will allow things to settle down and because YOU are different, everything will change.
Your relationship will improve because you are no longer analysing everything, no longer anxious. You will be fully “there.” Not with a split mind — half there and half in the abstract world of thinking.
The only viable solution to your situation that has any possibility of a positive outcome is to drop the problem. Disengage it and allow it to die away. Things will then develop in a natural way, one way or another.
Mike
Mike,
Its the logical thing to stay, why give up on something when you can’t trust what you’re feeling because it will change once you’ve given in? Why give up on the potential now, when you may never have it as good again? I know it doesn’t feel good now, but thats my own doing. All this started from one stray thought which came about because I overthought the situation.
I was with her again this weekend and I found myself analysing everything! Just because I wanted to be sure it was right. Though I’m looking for perfection, not right. Perfection is unrealistic and I don’t deserve perfection because I’m not perfect myself! She was understanding and even said she would wait for me because she loves me and she knows deep down that I love her.
You said you feel confident we’ll be alright if I follow your advice, so it makes no sense to back out now. I am also going to commit to it as well, I know that alot of the time I feel like I don’t want to, but that is fear. Lets face it, if you feel all them things, yet look forward to talking to them cause it brings you comfort, it can’t be that bad!
Maybe it will work out in the end.
Thanks again.
“Its the logical thing to stay, why give up on something when you can’t trust what you’re feeling because it will change once you’ve given in? Why give up on the potential now, when you may never have it as good again? I know it doesn’t feel good now, but thats my own doing. All this started from one stray thought which came about because I overthought the situation.”
Wonderful. This is fantastic progress. One stray thought is all it takes. If you had just shrugged that thought off — imagine. Now you need to re-route these thought-habits. The plan — no active thinking on the subject. If thoughts pop up, quickly take your attention away. Turn away over and over and over again for as long as it takes.
“I was with her again this weekend and I found myself analysing everything! Just because I wanted to be sure it was right. Though I’m looking for perfection, not right. Perfection is unrealistic and I don’t deserve perfection because I’m not perfect myself! She was understanding and even said she would wait for me because she loves me and she knows deep down that I love her.”
As we said, at the moment, you have an over-intellectual world view. You would get BORED with PERFECT. The mind gets bored with ANYTHING. It’s fickle. You can only trust your “being,” your intuition. Keep up with the meditation and you will trust your thoughts less and less :-)
“You said you feel confident we’ll be alright if I follow your advice, so it makes no sense to back out now. I am also going to commit to it as well, I know that alot of the time I feel like I don’t want to, but that is fear. Lets face it, if you feel all them things, yet look forward to talking to them cause it brings you comfort, it can’t be that bad!”
I agree… I think it’s the deeper feelings that are winning out — your intuition.
“Maybe it will work out in the end.”
Maybe they will :-) Full effort to this method and you will SEE in your own experience. The “problem” seems so important when you’re anxious. Once the anxiety goes, which is usually very quick, you will be amazed at how you were thinking before.
For now, please trust me and give no attention to any of this… no analysing too. And you will see soon enough. Don’t believe any of these thoughts… no matter how real, how important they seem… just follow through with the plan.
Good luck! And let me know if you need any more help.
Mike.
I just read the habit guide and gee it made so much sense to me, what I have learnt from it in only one reading is
Say No, never can do this
Treat my mind like a rewritable dvd
When I think of the negative thought I am going to do what they done in the movie “Village of the Damned” and imagine a brick wall and that the thought is behind that wall and I cant see it.
Gee the guide truly made so much sense, my constant thought is already going behind that brick wall
thanks again Mike
John
Hi John,
Very interesting.. your visualization. But rather than a brick wall with your thought behind I used to use “destruction” visualization. E.g. I would wrap the thought/image in sheets of silk over and over and over until I couldn’t see it. Then put the whole lot in a balloon and watch it getting smaller and smaller and smaller. Then, when I could hardly see it I would watch it explode into a millions pieces :-) This is similar to techniques used in NLP.
Or you could just distract :-)
Whatever works for you. The main thing is “no importance… distract”
Me again John…
It occured to me… best not to see the thought behind a wall because that’s still attention. Stick with the program John it’s all you need.
“no importance… distract” If the thought is strong then RIVET your attention somewhere else.
Thanks mike, had another bad day today, reread the book which helped but still had the thought, I then went and meditated and truly cant believe the difference it made, I am astounded at how well meditation works, its truly blown me away
Hi Mike
i have just started to have the most awful and disturbing thoughts. I have read all your letters and replys, and i am really trying to do what you say and just egnore them and distract myself. I have good and bad days. Yesterday was really good and had very few which i egnored, then i thought i was ok and thought about it again then they all came flying back, even worse this time. What can i do? if i continue to egnore them will they really start to go away? I feel depressed and very stressed
This is a testimonial from my friend who suffered OCD for twenty years and his case was the basis of this article.
—
I have known Mike since our children were about five. I had suffered with O.C.D. for a long time since my mid-twenties.
I confided in Mike about my anxieties and thoughts on food. He advised me how to deal with this. I couldn’t believe that it could be so simple, so I continued for years more trying to solve the problem, to rationalize it, only making things worse and worse.
Even with a psychologist and Mike advising me how to get better I continued to give the problem more and more attention.
Many aniti-depressants later, even anti-psychotic drugs I was in a worse situation than ever, on the verge of losing my job, home, sanity and daughter. I had to try something else.
Mike spent hour after hour on the phone convincing me of what needed to be done and how his method could achieve this.
I finally committed to his method. It wasn’t easy because the responsibility rested on me, but the method couldn’t be more simple, luckily for me or I wouldn’t have made it.
Two months of committment and determination and I’m living a normal life with a normal relationship with food and getting better every day. Two months… after twenty years of misery.
A miracle. Seems like one to me.
Hi Carly
When you applied the method you said you had a good days with very few thoughts that you ignored.
Then, you “thought about it” and “it came flooding back.”
Please please please trust the process, give no importance, ignore and distract away from unwanted thoughts and don’t THINK about it. That was the trigger for the relaspse. You can’t play around with unwanted thoughts. ATTENTION turns up the volume.
Mike, this article is great. I ended a serious relationship because i started feeling really negative about the guy, without an apparent reason. I started nagging myself, really wanted my feelings back, trying to fix what was wrong…and I couldn’t. I got really depressed.
One day I told my friend that after this I find all the men unattractive if not disgusting.
Then she asked me: “maybe you prefer girls?” From then on, I’ve been having a really bad time thinking that i may be a lesbian and looking out for proofs – really bad, trying to see if they turn me on, and finding out that this may be so. But then I realised I can get turned out by any woman, old or fat or ugly, just because they are female and I started convincing myself i may be homosexual. In the past i was always only attracted to guys and I don’t want this to change!
Please tell me that your method can help here, i’m scared i may lose great friendships that i have with girls because of fear i may be attracted to them.
I’m still hurting because of the loss of relationship with my exboyfriend – all the feelings and emotions that i felt then don’t want to leave me alone and seem as real as never.
I just really want to be the happy me again.
Please help.
Hi Mike. First of all kudos to your spirit of helping others from what you have learned/experienced. I am in a very bad situation and need your advise.
I am 27 years old and I think I might be suffering from OCD (actually religious OCD). I originally am a very life-loving person. I am a person who gets very much moved (in a happy way) just by seeing someone else being happy. I have had to go through a phase of life which was not easy. I started being anxious about the situation and trying to do something or the other, trying to bring out a result. I continued being anxious for a span of 4 months. Then one fine day, one (yes, just one) negative thought came to my mind. It was a thought which questioned me what if I did something bad to a loved one. That is all…. But, as that thought was towards a loved one, I had repurcussions. I thought over it again and again in an attempt to suppress it, but it would come back with greater force. I was feeling guilty about my thoughts. At one time, I almost felt like I was losing it. I feared why I was having such disgusting thoughts and eventually my life was filled with fear, guilt and anxiety.
I searched online and found that my situation was a typical OCD and the reason behind such thoughts is built-up emotions (which were related to a specific person or situation) which I did not say out to anyone. Probably, those emotions came back to me through my subconscious/unconscious mind with greater effect. After 6 months of utter fear, guilt and anxiety, I am getting lesser thoughts about it now, may be 50% lesser than what it was before. The reason they became lesser could just be that I gave it too much time – 6 months and my mind wore out on it. I am not sure of the reason.
There is a meditation class that my friend wants to go and I am not able to decide if I should go or not. Because of my mental condition now, do you think I will end up worsening my situation if I went to the class? Do you think I will fully get over it at all? Do you think I can be back to myself? Whatever and however those negative thoughts got implanted in my mind, do you think I will be able to throw them all away and be loving again? Will you be able to advise me on what would help me? Do you think I will get my life back?
Hi Julie,
Meditation is the best thing you could do, so go to the class :-) There are really two main aspects to getting rid of unwanted thoughts. 1 is understanding the attention is the volume control for thoughts and 2 is your ACTUAL ability to remove attention. That takes awareness and meditation is awareness class :-)
It is possible for you to get back to your happy self yes. This problem occured due to your not understanding that attention is the volume control for thoughts. If you had known, you would have shrugged this original bad thought off and that would have been the end of it.
Mike
This information is great! I have a lot of intrusive thoughts some i can deal with but others I can’t and i just dwell on them. Im very imaginative and when i have an unwanted thought that i know isn’t real i create it in my head and the thought comes to life and i begin to believe it! I get anxiety really bad and it takes a toll on my relationships, i almost feel like there’s two sides of my brain fighting against each other. I feel like i cant get a break! its just one thought after another and it really messes me up, iv tried a lot of different things like mindful thinking, confirmation which only feeds my thoughts and avoiding a situation that could led to a thought i also tried visualising letting go of the thought. All these work for a moment but then something triggers it.
Hi Ash,
Thanks for the thumbs up re my article. The reason your methods don’t work is that they are varying forms of “more attention.”
Simply: Attention is the volume control for thoughts.
Rememeber that and apply it and you’ll start to gain back control of you thoughts; be able to say yes or no.
Your ABILITY to remove attention is greatly improved by the practice of meditation.
Ciao
Mike
hi,
i just finished reading charlie higson, the enemy and its really freaked me. i keep imagining zombies out side and it keeps bringing back images of other bad things i have seen.
its making me a bit paranoid tbh, what should i do?
regards
neil
Hi Neil, you need to keep distracting your mind off it. Re-read the article above, it’s all there… Also, check out Mike’s article How to Get Rid of Fear and Scary Thoughts After Watching a Scary Movie. I know it’s a book in your case but it will definitely help :-)
All the best,
James
Hi,
I watched a scary film about a ghost in the form of a demon and I am still scared of it and that I might get possesed or something.. It is very scary to me and somedays I just cannot keep my mind off it.
I am trying to stop these thoughts but it seems that they cannot go away.
Please help asap.
Thanks
Hi Didi,
There is no “instant fix” but recognize that the fear you’re feeling is simply there as a result of watching a movie. The fear isn’t “real”. It’s simply cause and effect – exactly the same as banging your head on a wall causes pain. :-) Recognize that you are NOT in danger, despite feeling fear.
Also, know that these feelings will gradually drop away in time IF you follow the advice in this article and in How to Get Rid of Fear and Scary Thoughts After Watching a Scary Movie AND if you don’t “top up” the fear by watching another scary movie…
Remember, the fear isn’t “real” – you’re not in danger. Distract yourself with something pleasant. Put on your favorite comedy DVD, it’ll do you the power of good :-)
Take it easy,
James
Thanks :)
this has been going for the past 4 months and I did get better as was worse then I am now.. but is it normal to take this long?
Thanks
Hi Didi, you’re welcome :-) There’s no “normal” when it comes to getting rid of unwanted thoughts. It depends on the person, the thoughts and how often those thoughts are revisited (and therefore reinforced) in your mind.
Strange as sounds, you don’t want to think “I still have these thoughts”, “I hope they go away” and “Is it normal for it to take this long?”. These are all forms of attention to the thoughts and the fear. When you get the thought, don’t judge it, or think about it, or get disappointed or frustrated, just immediately distract yourself.
When you do that, you’re effectively telling your brain “these thoughts are not important to me, they’re not useful to me”. At the moment, the attention to the thoughts is telling your brain “this is important and needs to be dealt with”. So when these thoughts pop up, don’t judge them or react to them, just distract yourself.
Then one day, the thought and fear simply won’t pop up anymore – and the funny thing is that you won’t even notice you’re not having them anymore :-)
Didi, I went through a bad time with unwanted thoughts, I would actually say at least 6 months of my life was hell. However I have for about the last 4 months, not had them as much. Yes I still have them but I am not obsessed with trying to get rid of them and this has truly helped. What I do is when I have the thought I totally try and concentrate on something fully (such as look at something and dont take my eyes off it) and then the thought seems to go. Also meditation really helped me amazingly, all the best and from someone who thought it would never get better, it truly does.
Here’s my thing. If I think an unpleasant thought, I worry, yeah, another unpleasant spiral that “oh no, I am making this come to me by law of attraction” and the MORE I try and stop the thought, the more it plays out in my head. Then, I think “why isn’t it this easy to think the happy things”? BUT when I think the happy things, the unplesant things, just bust right back in.
I am working on all this, but if I just knew that turning off the switch on anunpleasant thought was like stopping the Law of Attraction dead in it’s tracks, then I think that would help my process.
Thoughts become things- choose the good ones; is my mantra. But what is we don’t, by chance, have the good ones for a time?
Hi Patti,
The bad thoughts are spiralling because you are heavily charging them with emotion and importance. The same would happen with good ones if you gave them the same emotional energy.
Don’t try to stop bad thoughts — that is more attention and the more you try, the more charge you give them!
Let them go. Notice “this thought isn’t important”. Put your attention elsewhere.
You don’t need to think positively for good to come to you. “Seek first the kindgom of God.” Seek no thought. That is the powerful place.
Ciao
Mike
Hi Mike im in the same process of starting meditation but was wondering how do i start what is the process, Something happend to me a couple of months ago that i believe has changed my life and i pretty much live scared of my thaughts and the memories of what happend that night i have tried the ignoring phase and seems to work but then when i pay to much attetion to them i usually get anxiety and panic attack. Thanks
Hi Daniel,
Ignoring was working for you so keep doing that. When we tell our mind “this is not important” it will tend to die away — as you’ve discovered. When we do the opposite and give important and belief and attention, the thought will grow and other thoughts will come too related to the original thought.
Repetition causes thought HABITS. You can’t get rid of a deep habit but you can put a “shunt” in so that when your mind starts to run down that path, you consciously re-direct your attention to something else. This way, you permanently by-pass the old thought habit.
The practice of meditation will greatly increase your ABILITY to do all this because mediation is choice practice — practicing the ability to put your attention where you want it and your mind OBEYING.
To meditate, sit up straight and count your breaths up to 10, then start at 1 again. Very simple. The aim is to place your ATTENTION onto the breath.
Put your attention into your abdomen which will take you out of being permanently installed in your head.
I’ve emailed you a file of this Zen meditation which is very simple and universally used.
Good luck!
Mike
Hi mike the last time i emailed i was in a pretty bad space with on going thoughts and have since seeked help. i started meditation (yoga nidra) a few weeks ago and have found it to be extremely helpful especially in lowering my anxiety. I have also started taking a small dose of anti-anxiety medication and have noticed a dramatic change, i had an intrusive thought that was rather unpleasent but felt unanxious about it which actually made me anxious of not feeling anxious haha. Since taking the medication it has been 3wks and i feel happier and have had fewer panic attacks which has been great on my relationship. If anyone is finding anxiety extremely hard talk to your GP to find out about other alternatives. I have not yet looked back!
Hi Ash,
Delighted to hear you’re enjoying success! It’s important to point out that in the long run, you want to aim to be drug-free. When you put the conditions for health and happiness in place, your body will maintain a perfect balance on its own, and you will not suffer any anxiety.
The problem with drugs is that it’s a little like using a sledge hammer to crack a nut. It will work at first — but it’s crude. In time, your body will adapt to the presence of the drug and you may find you need stronger and stronger doses.
Medication can be appropriate in the short-term though, to give ourselves a little relief, some breathing space. But we must use that space to ‘pick up the baton’ ourselves and put the conditions for health and happiness in place. Once there, it becomes effortless.
Mike’s weekly email guide will show you exactly how to do it – just enter your details at the end of the blog post above.
All the best,
James
Hi Tom,
Ever since I was little I would have fears that reflected from what I’ve seen in scary movies. One time, when I was younger, I watched a little bit of Scream 2. Well, it got so bad that I had to sleep in my parents room for 2 weeks. About a year ago, I watched Boogie Man 2 at my house in broad daylight. I did not sleep that night and had uncontrollable shaking all through my body. For the 2 days after that the only way I could sleep was if I had a movie on and had taken sleeping medication. My fears have gotten so bad that I cry sometimes from the thoughts I get. I have a new friend who is into all of the scary movie stuff and forces me to watch scary stuff. I try to tell her no, but she is hardheaded and I am a weakling afraid of loosing a friend. I just want this to go away so that I can live a normal life. Im about to turn 14 and Im tired of being the little girl out of all my friends.
Thanks
Kristen
Kristen,
Stop watching scary movies. They’re scaring you half to death because they’re SUPPOSED to. So DON’T watch them. Just DON’T watch them.
If your new friend can’t accept that you don’t want to watch scary movies then she’s not a friend worth having. A true friend accepts you the way you are and supports your choices.
I understand what you’re going through because I did exactly what you’re doing when I was 14 – doing whatever it took to fit in and be accepted.
Trust me – it’s not worth it. Choose happiness and peace of mind. Don’t watch scary movies and choose friends who feel the same way as you. That’s not weak Kristen, that’s choosing to be happy and being able to sleep at night.
I know it’s hard to believe now but what your friends think of you now will not be important in the long-run. I’m 33 now and my circle of friends has changed almost completely from when I was 14. Do what makes YOU happy. THAT is being strong, not caving to what everyone else does. Don’t judge them for what they choose, but also don’t let them bully you for YOUR choices.
Tell your new friend that you don’t want to watch scary movies – period. If she can’t handle that, you’re better off without her in your life.
Mike is 40 something and I’m 33 – neither of us watch scary movies because we choose happiness instead. And believe me, neither of us are “weak”. :-)
Make your choice Kristen and let us know how you get on.
Best wishes,
James
I don’t know what to do but im keeping thinking of one thought all the time its taking over my mind and I try to stop them I just want the thoughts to stop so I can continue how I was befor with out these thoughts. I tried a new birth contorl pill and im thinking they might be having a physiclocigal affect on my mind I heard that theres other kinds of pills that can cause side affects to the mind but cant find any information about it I just want to not have these sertain thoghts toughts b ut please how can I stop them I have accepted the fact of the thought but now I just want to stop thinking it. Can anyone tell me somthing..
Hi Leah,
Re-read the section titled “You can’t fight the darkness” in the article. That section tells you what you need to do. It’s about accepting the thought (not trying to suppress it) but then distracting away as immediately and completely as you can. That’s the key! This retrains your brain that the thought is not useful to you and so in time, stops popping up with it.
I also recommend talking to your doctor about known side-effects to the birth control pill you’re taking.
Best wishes,
James
Part of me is now so well. I was having a relationship issue but now have been so well thanks to the users guide and I actually feel that I am cured, have the thought concentrate on something else and the thought just goes away. However I now have this other problem, actually had it since childhood. I continually look for something I cannot find. I waste so much time in the day trying to find things its getting ridiculous. The sad part is that these items mean nothing at all to me, but its like a satisfaction in finding them. I feel that until I find them I cannot rest. I obsess over them. Honestly such stupid things like earplugs or other crap like that that i dont even need, and honestly I feel that I may have even thrown them out. Do I just do the same thing as before. I feel that my mind will obsess over these things until they are found and thats so damn frustrating, help
Hiya John,
Lovely to hear you’ve been so well. Absolutely yes, do the same thing. Any thought habit you see does not serve you can be dropped using the method you’ve now mastered.
If it’s a very old habit like one since childhood, then it takes persistence — repeatedly applying the method and attaching no importance to the thought habit. You simply ignore it and concentrate on something else.
These thought habits can be very seductive and feel so important and you may feel fearful to ignore them. Just trust your own wisdom and see them for what they are — old habits with strong feelings attached.
In only a short time, the new habit will act as a shunt and the old habits will not play out.
It will also help you to create a beautiful and simple home environment — keeping everything in its place. That way you can remove the worry of not being able to find things when you need them.
With faith, you’ll see that nothing bad at all happens by ignoring the urge to find things and that you will look when you need something and not before.
With all the lifestyle changes, you will find a general trend to a more relaxed and worry-free way of being.
Distracting away from unwanted thought habits is a big part but don’t forget that everything affects everything else and sleep, diet, drug use, exercise etc all play their part in how your mind works and the clarity of your thinking.
Good luck John, let me know how it goes,
Mike
hey mike since i last posted i mentioned that my anxiety level had decreased. but i am still struggling with intrusive thoughts, i am in a serious relationship which has been going on for 2 years but the night of new years my bf was away and knew i was out drinking with my best friend and her mates. i was having an awesome time until my bf txted me saying “don’t cheat on me” and throughout the whole night i kept thinking i had when i knew i hadn’t but i was able to create the image that i had in my head and started believing it.
Since new years i have been finding socialising with other boys very hard because some way or another that thought is triggered, i might be just talking to a guy friend from one side of the room to the other and start to think iv cheated when there is no evidence or justification that i had, but i cant get rid of the thought and i feel guilty for something that hasnt even happened.
I am deeply in love with my boyfriend and never think of other guys. I value trust, honesty and loyalty. My father cheated on my mother for a long period of time and i cant stand the idea of cheating and so these thoughts tare me upside down because they are completely opposite to the person i am.
It’s ruining my social life and self esteem i don’t know what to do!
Hello Ash,
Your best plan is to come at your problem from a few different angles. You have the general background anxiety, dealing with arising thoughts, general world view, sensitivity to criticism and so-on.
So there’s a lot going on.
So how to proceed?
On the level on thinking itself it’s aways simple… is this thought wanted or not? If no, then give no importance to the thought and remove your attention.
Many times people trip up with this because they IDENTIFY with their thinking and get very confused.. “Why would I think such a thing.”
This is especially difficult when anxiety is involved because a fight or flight state is not intended for clear thinking — it’s to put you in the best state to save your life when in danger.
So… as well as dealing with things on the level of thinking, you have to get rid of the anxiety and get back to a normal state.
Relaxation and meditation are invaluable for this… and you can make all your “corrections” into daily habits so that gradually more and more, you learn how to relax and how to stop thinking at will.
This also works to change your sense of self from thinking to a much deeper you as the background awareness to thinking. This amazing transformation also radically alters your world view in that you don’t see the world as so unstable and the things that happen as so important.
You develop more a sense of “Whatever happens is ok and I will be ok whatever happens.”
So your ATTACHMENT to events and outcomes becomes less and less. Your emotional investment into things being a certain way becomes less and less.
The Habit Guide lifestyle works on ALL levels to move you towards a natural state of being and automatically comes at every problem from all the angles that matter. So if you haven’t already, please get Habit Guide and jump in with both feet.
I recommend practising “listening” to your thoughts as often as possible. This very simple “step back” position has an amazing effect when practiced all the time and has so many benefits it’s hard to even put into words.
Essentially, this simple method means you disidentify with thinking, can say yes or no to thoughts more easily, are less attached to outcomes as I mentioned and generally feel more relaxed and more yourself.
For anyone with any chronic problem I seriously recommend looking into whether the unnatural foods — grains and dairy are fuelling dysfunctional mental states. The action of these foods in susceptible people can be very insidious and the dots very difficult to connect.
The Habit Guide diet would be a fantastic first step for you on this and is a very big step back to a diet more suited for humans. After a couple of months you can then decide if you want to/need to get rid of grains and dairy altogether.
In this specific case, I think tell your b/f that you found his txt very upsetting and please don’t do it again — there’s no need, I will never cheat so relax. His txt shows he has a bit of insecurity too so you can help him feel better by saying in no uncertain terms — “I have values, I wouldn’t, relax, it will never happen.”
With relaxation, a good time to practice is right before sleep. Practice relaxing every single night because ultimately, we have to make being well, the CAUSES of health and happiness into habits.
So… lots of levels you can talk about your problem from but as always, it’s a multi-pronged attack that will get the job done — learn to live right — including how to run your brain and get all that into habits that make the effects you want effortless.
Hope this helps! :-)
Mike
Hey Mike thankyou so much in taking the time to help and give me advice i am very interested in the diet and will look into it. I read your message outloud with my bf so he had an understanding of what is going on and i believe it has helped.
Thanks again.
Ash
Wonderful Ash, thanks… let me know how things go for you.
Mike
Hi Mike. I’m nearly 16 years old and, like Danny, I watched a horror movie called The Ring about three years ago. Ever since, I feel that things are chasing me when I walk upstairs. When it’s dark, i can’t look out windows without being scared that something will pop up and i can’t look at a television without thinking that somebody will crawl out of it at any moment. I’ve tried to imagine that the movie isn’t real but the fear won’t go away.
Hi Lynsey,
First of all, know that you’re in the same amount of danger that you were in before you watched the movie – NONE! Just remember first and foremost, that you are safe inside your house and that all the stuff in the movie isn’t real. Next, you should read Mike’s article “How to Get Rid of Fear and Scary Thoughts After Watching a Scary Movie”. Check out the comments too…
http://www.habitguide.com/scary-movie
i get unwanted thoughts of my religion getting changed which disturbs me plz help me , im very disturbed plz mail me?
This is the best and easiest to understand explanation of eliminating unwanted thoughts that I have ever seen, and a great encouragement for people to begin meditating.
i wa ssearching for a few links to send to a friend, who seems to pay more attention to what is published than what I have to say on the subject even though I am a Hypnotherapist and life Coach! Glad I found you
Hiya Pam!
Many thanks for the thumbs up. I find that it really helps people to see the same info from many sources. We seem to be wired for this kind of social proof. Good luck with your friend :-)
Today I realized how out of control my mind has become. Over the last few months It feels as though I’ve lost control of my thoughts and I’ve slowly slipped into the beginning of a deep depression. I spent much of my teenage years in that rut so I don’t want to go back. Somehow I got over that, but it took years. I can feel the darkness once again and it is almost enough to make me want to knock myself out and not wake back up. Reading what you have said on how to stop the problem has given me that hope that I can stop it before it destroys me again. I was doing exactly what you said not to do to try and stop it. I was so terrified I was going to get taken down again and this time not get out. Just seeing how I am suppose to help myself in print makes it a lot easier for me to believe that it can actually help me. You and your website and the methods you explain are my weapon against my unwanted thoughts. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
I want to tell you what i’m going through with negative thoughts! Every time i get a bad grade, i end up feeling like I’m stupid and not smart! I know none of that is true, but i still end up feeling that way! I need serious help in that area of my life! I like your article!
Hi Hannah!
If you really like the article, that prooooves that you’re smart so no worries :-)
But seriously, thoughts are just thoughts and the meaning we attach to them is important. A lot of this meaning is the meaning our friends, family and culture say is true. But decide the truth of a thought for yourself, question its truth.
Well you already told me you know this one isn’t true, so give it the “no importance” treatmeant and distact. It’s this “quality” we attach to thoughts that tells our unconscious mind how important it is to us. So be sure to send your mind the right message by giving unwanted thoughts the “no importance” treatment.
Also, I like to think of things in terms of “what can I actually do about this” “Do I want to study more?” etc… what are the PRACTICAL things you can learn from the thought… if anything.
Also, it’s important to understand that YOU are not a label… stupid, smart blah blah. We are all worthy human beings with our own unique gifts and qualities. Don’t be pigeon holed or let anyone tell you, or even feel, ever that you are not worthy. You are.
Also, comparisons are always egotistical… the ego wanting to know if it is better or worse than everyone else so it can get a strong IMAGE of itself.
BE who you are… no labels, no judgements.
We have to do our best in exams, but what more can you DO? Beyond that, see these thoughts as conditioned by your culture, your own and others expectations and let them go… no importance.
What we give no importance to, will tend to die away. What we fear amd worry about we see everywhere.
I hope this helps clear things up for you Hannah.
Be happy :-)
Mike
I get some inSane thoughts of killing and I don’t mo why it’s usuwL when I’m boredo
Alex, whatever is unwanted, give no importance to, and distract. It will die away and stop coming. Be careful what you are feeding your mind — horror movies, graphic news items and so on. Garbage in, garbage out.
i too have obsessive personality and have traits similar to your friend. i met few psychiatrists but i always had this understanding that medication can only numb my mind and are not a real cure and what needs to be fixed is my thinking pattern.once i even bought those medicines but fortunately i never took it.
i started meditating and it really helps. and yes it’s the belief underlying that fear which needs to be changed.
at times directly facing the fear also helps like earlier i used to think that if i don’t do that act which that thought is compelling me to,someone in my family would die or something very wrong will happen and it used to have kind of religious color to it.
i used to be very obsessive about ethics and morality and ideals in life. but i investigated and developed my understanding in true religion [over many years] and found that the content of these thoughts are utter non sense. then whenever that kind of thought came i directly faced the feeling of fear with this attitude that let anyone die who has to i am not bothered anymore and now i was backed by my own spiritual understanding and just stared at that fear from my I AM center of pure witness that i had found during meditation and this kind of thought just vanished and i got rid of them.
so i think staring into eyes of the fear and that obsessive thought with this determination that let whatever happens i don’t fear you this courage works along with conviction of this obsessive thoughts falsehood backed by own corrected beliefs.
i am still trying to make out some way to be free from people’s opinions and behavior and it’s associated pain and fear generating those negative thoughts. i don’t know the method of not paying attention to the negativity in my mind arising from their words and statements. meanwhile i have found that indeed non attachment is the best way to be in society. how i am going to translate it in my life i am yet to discover…
Hi Shivesh,
Simply observe the opinions, simply observe your reaction — both with curiosity. This way, non-attachment will grow in you.
Meditation is the key — this is detachment practice when all is quiet.
In your life, stay centered by having an anchor for your attention — what you are doing — mindfulness.
All these things will increase your awareness, detachment and freedom — from the opinions of others and from being a slave to identification with your own thoughts and reactions.
~ Mike
Hi Sir
yesterday i just came across your website and read your informative article and wrote a comment. i hadn’t read the other comments then. later on i started reading and reflecting on them and got some wonderful insights.
and now i must say you are doing a really great work helping people understand their own mind and SELF.
i worked on the idea of shifting my attention from unwanted thoughts to the neutral ones or desired ones. i realized that my mind is like my hand which is holding objects and i have to just leave that unwanted object and just hold another object.
and to leave an object of attention/focus/concentration the first thing that i need is to DEFINE WHAT THAT OBJECT IS IN IT’S ENTIRETY.
for example, an unwanted idea either comes from any outer suggestion or by own thought associations or just pops up [as i am an obsessive personality and perhaps it's a 'normal' functioning of mind too] and i tag fear to it because i don’t want it to happen or just start running from it to avoid fear of acknowledging some truth in it because of some negative and wrong belief in my existing belief system which was introduced earlier in life and was reinforced again and again because of my innocence or some other form of support in my memory.
i start fighting this idea and try to substitute the negative belief within and lay down positive beliefs and try to provide some evidences in support of the new positive beliefs which i want to have but negativity always makes it’s way through reasoning and analysis.
and the fight always goes on because i am fighting myself. and this negative idea/thought gradually becomes all pervasive and starts dominating my mind and it’s very distressful and it’s like living in hell. this idea gets associated with certain acts and objects too and when i face them i suddenly get reminded of that idea. there is a kind of self destructive program too in my mind which ramifies this idea into other unwanted ideas and they are totally ridiculous but i get frightened by this new thought too thinking that if i keep on repeating it it’s going to be incorporated in my mind and so either i start fighting this new idea or do thought substitution or just run away from it also and if this new idea gets pacified for some time because of thought substitution then again the first idea surfaces up and either i start fighting it or just let it be thinking that it will gradually subside but if i offer it non resistance then it recurs again and again and it only strengthens the negative belief and so i again start fighting it which too strengthens it.
i try to get indulged into some other activities but the ideas interfere and again i start fighting them and re affirm the positive idea that i want again and again and as soon as i get some peace i try to regain my focus on that activity and i start doing it again the negative idea one or the other ones pop up.
i can see them coming but i have three choices, think negative idea, think it’s opposite positive idea or think ideas of the work i am doing. and since i don’t know what to do i try to keep work related ideas and continue but negative idea keeps on popping up and i get distressed by their negativity or by the fear generated from the thought that if i don’t remove that negative idea it will move into subconscious and will get stronger and become a component of my belief system and my nature and i will start taking it as absolute truth.
and so i again start doing thought substitution or fighting it. my activity is interfered because of all this and i start looking for other ways of engagements like watching television or going out for a walk or talking to somebody over phone. but things don’t change and as soon as i come back to my room it starts again. this whole stuff goes for many days and there are new negative ideas keep on surfacing up thanks to that self destructive program and i start fearing the moment a new negative idea comes up and just want to avoid it because i don’t want it to develop like as other ideas already have and that’s how this idea ultimately become too.
i also anticipate and project these ideas and their effects into my future life and i get afraid of myself incorporating a weakness in my own psyche.
now this is the whole phenomenon and THIS IS ALL ONE OBJECT which i have to leave and focus myself on a new desired or neutral object which i can always choose HERE AND NOW.
i JUST LEFT all temptations of thinking about this object because any thought, temptation, fear , doubts of my this approach being correct or not and when i got a bit successful with this approach then ‘oh what a relief, i am out of it or i have forgotten it’ this idea too are nothing but the object in disguise and so is THE OBJECT ITSELF and so with this understanding whenever any of this or any other form of this unwanted object comes into my field of awareness here and now or even this thought that any object related thought is going to come right now [this thought is also the object itself] i nip it in bud and fix my attention to any other object which i have chosen as an image of human body [as i am a medical student] which i start dissecting or manipulating or become curious about it’s any disorder and exploring it on the body image,in my mind so that the thought energy gets channelized instead of getting blocked as it happens during thought suppression.
i find dissection or any form of manipulation of mental image more absorbing compared to a static image. when i have to deal with those things or acts which are associated with this unwanted object and when i see that the unwanted thought is coming i shift the attention fully on that thing which i am dealing with or on the act i am doing here and now. i think it will break the association between unwanted thought and those things or activities…… and i have been doing it since last night,i am finding it very very effective and i can see and feel the progress that i have made. sir,is their any point missing in my approach and what else can i do? i am and shall ever be extremely grateful to you sir.
Hi Shivesh,
WOW, that’s quite a comment!
Your new approach is right and correct and as you say… very very effective.
Your story is an example of my passion: The ending of suffering for lack of simple truths about “how to be happy and healthy.”
The truth is simple, but stray… and all hell breaks loose, as you know.
Your new insight is great. Thoughts are indeed objects in your field of awareness and you can pick them up or throw them out just like physical objects.
Thoughts can be a little trickier because of the habit factor and because your unconscious mind will process thoughts depending on what “quality” you attach to a thought. e.g. fear = create “fight or flight” and “remind often.”
The inability to deal with our own thoughts can quickly create a web of thought habits that are literally hell… our worst nightmare.
But it’s very simple HERE and NOW as you put it…
“Is this thought (object) wanted.”
If the answer is “no” then give the QUALITY of INDIFFERENCE and then remove attention.
HOW SIMPLE!!!!!!!!!!
And yet what a nightmare can result for lack of this simple information.
You ask “is there anything missing and what else can I do?” — well, everything affects everything else so you need to be aware of how your whole lifestyle is feeding into your mood or “state.” This is one factor and also, as I mentioned, habit. Be aware of “what you repeatedly do” because these thing automatically repeat.
Click here to read a quick sum up of the “big picture” of “how to get rid of unwanted thoughts.”
I’m excited for you Shivesh and your new insight.
I wish you peace of mind and happiness always,
Mike
New article about “Getting Rid of Unwanted Thoughts”…
http://www.habitguide.com/get-rid-of-unwanted-thoughts
All the best,
Mike
Thank You so much for this article. You are very correct in everything you say. You are also right in saying that ignoring the thought can be difficult and gets easier in time. I am 36 now and my problem began with my one and only panic attack 2 years ago. During the attack, I hallucinated mentally that I killed my wife. The thought day by day started to take over my life. Meditation has been the best thing to calm me. I wish I knew a structured meditation to target the elimination of the thoughts. The majority of the problem seems to fueled by stress hormones. I want to thank you for what you are doing because I have had two years to realise that the thought can destroy your self image and your general perspective on life and who you are. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for caring enough about humanity to help these people and myself.
Hi Geoff,
Sorry to hear you’ve been suffering with this. You’re right, one “seed thought” can go on to create total hell. You don’t need anything to target this thought as long as you see it as dysfunctional. Then you are free to let go. The end-state we want is FORGETTING. So in your normal life, ANY thought related to this give it no importance, indifference and remove attention quickly. This way you tell your unconscious mind “this is not important to me.” It takes time but it will gradually die away and stop coming — then you will have forgotten about it.
Meditation is amazing… it’s ATTENTION practice. Step one is to get fully into mastery of the mind-field, to be able to say to the storm “be still” and your mind obeys. Then thoughts lose their power to affect you or suck you in, or trigger other thoughts, or create a web of thoughts connected to a seed thought. In short, you gain freedom from unwanted thoughts.
Re hormones — YES! Everything affects everything else… anxiety creates anxious thoughts, depression creates depressed thoughts. We always need a whole lifestyle approach to guarantee the best results.
Geoff.. let me know if you need more clarity on anything and how things pan out for you.
All the best,
Mike
Hi Mike,
First of all what a fantastic artical!
Though i’m a big thinker it causes me to disect everything and take everything to seriosuly or i could just be facing reality.
I just thought i’d ask your oppinion on the situation i am currently in! I am almost 3 months pregnant to my partner.
A few months ago i was told that he cheated on me, twise! With the same girl, in the end there was no solution so we had a polygraph test which just proved that he didn’t cheat on me.
Just recantly i talked to the girl and let her know that her lies were pathetic, yet she still not tell the truth? And insisted it still happend and he has to live with the guilt for the rest of his life.
I know you cannot trick a polygrap test, but i still have negative thoughts about it which causes me huge anxiety.
Will this be somthing i can get over? Or will i dwell on the past and anything and everything that reminds me of her and what could of happend on both nights he was accused of cheating?
I dont want to ruin my relationship because i feel like im going insaine, it annoys him and i know its not fair but i just cant help myself, please help me.
thankyou
Hi Nadine,
Ponder your new truth, the new situation you want… the complete FORGETTING of the whole thing.
Once this idea is bright and clear, give no importance to any arising thought to do with this subject and distract your attention to something else.
The frequency and intensity of these unpleasant thoughts will quickly die away.
All the best,
Mike
I have been going really well until recently. A few weeks ago I had bright sparks and lights go through my eyes around 5 times. The doctor says that its ocular migraines and I may never get them again. However referred me to an opthomologist who said that my eyes are fine but just in case of vascular changes I am having an MRI next tuesday.
The problem is since this happened I keep thinking that I have a brain tumour. I have pain on the right side of my head behind the eye. I have seen a doctor who said that I am thinking that pain is there and that is why it is. I came out of his surgery and guess what, no pain. However last weekend the pain started again. I am a total mess now I have convinced myself that I have a brain tumour and I lay in bed all day and google brain tumours. I mean if I have one there is not much I can personally do about it. The fear of having one is just unbearable.
I am not coping at the moment and would welcome any advice.
Hi John,
Sorry to hear about your troubles. The thing about fear is that it’s a primitive reaction whether the danger is real or imagined — and the result is anxiety, the “fight or flight” reaction.
You’ve hit the nail on the head — “what can I do?”
The best thing to do is to go for the MRI scan on Tuesday and forget about it until then. That’s the logical next step and there’s no point in second guessing the outcome. You can use all the techniques in Habit Guide for ignoring unwanted thoughts and keep your mind off it until then. Let’s just see what happens and take things one step at a time.
You can also stop researching it on the internet which will only fuel your anxiety further.
The doctors and specialists are the best people to look at you and see what’s going on so do that. Make the decision to drop the whole thing until you get the results of your test and take it from there.
Outcome: eye problem and headaches resolved. Next step: MRI scan, drop everything else.
Hi Mike, had my MRI and everything is ok, just have severe sinus problem but nothing sinister. The problem is after having the ocular migraine visions I keep analysing everything that I am looking at to see if I am seeing it right. Its really odd I have never had this before but I feel that I am not seeing right, although everything is pointing towards the fact that I am. I had hypnosis yesterday from a psychologist who said that it is all anxiety related and I just need to let it go, however I am finding it very hard to do that. It seems I always have to fixate on something that is wrong with my body, obviously hypochondria but its ruining my life
Hi John,
I know Mike’s not able to access the net at the moment but hopefully it won’t be long before he’s back online.
Delighted to hear the MRI scan came back with good news, that’s great.
I wanted to tell you about a friend of a friend of mine. I remember he had a very obsessive nature.
He worked with a small team and just loved his work so much that he couldn’t leave it alone. He had some other obsessive symptoms but his work was the big one. He would work extremely long hours, with no regard for his health, finding it almost impossible to stop.
One day his doctor told him if he didn’t make some serious lifestyle changes he was in big trouble — on the fast track to a heart attack or stroke. Now this guy was only in his early thirties but his biomarkers were already indicating big problems ahead.
But this is where his compulsive tendencies worked to his advantage. He decided if was going to be healthy then that’s what he was going to do… and he was going to be the BEST at being healthy. He was going to do THAT full on instead.
He started eating fruit and salads and taking daily exercise. Very quickly he started losing weight and feeling better and better.
He’s still doing the same work but now it’s “in its place.” He’s way happier, way healthier and loves his life even more than he did before…
Now of course I’m not recommending everyone gets totally obsessed with their health… BUT if you have that tendency, if you tend to obsess, if you tend to fixate, see if you can make it work to your advantage.
In other words, maybe you can “channel” that tendency to fixate into something very positive, in the same way this guy did. Fixate on “health and happiness”.
It’s the best thing you can possibly do anyway but also, while you’re doing that, your mind is occupied. It’s focused on doing the next thing for “health and happiness” eg. making a smoothie, going for a walk and so-on.
And while your mind is busy with those things, it’s much harder for it to think about anything else…
All the best John.
Hi John,
It’s understandable and natural if you’ve had a trauma with your vision to keep checking it. But all evidence is now showing that all is ok so now you can safely drop all the checking. You did exactly the right thing getting it looked at.
I agree with James that if you have a tendency to fixate, then fixate on checking those 6 health boxes every day. Keep that on your radar and you’ll get better and better.
When you have a pattern you don’t want, then ponder what you DO want to happen instead. Then when your unwanted thing pops up and you become aware of it, simply substitute the new behavior instead. Keep doing it intil you have your new good habit installed :-)
Mike
Hi there Mike. Your article is very useful and I felt that it did inspire me for a little while… However, I have gone back to the same pattern. This all started two months ago. I’ve always had a big imagination, but never have I been through anything like this. It was mostly effecting the way I view my religion (and still is), but now, it’s come to the point where it’s making me want to hurt the people I LOVE the most and it’s not allowing me to live my life the way I used to live it. I have NEVER hurt anyone in my life and I’ve NEVER been violent. I am literally in tears as I am typing this out. Please, email me.
I have one word to describe it all, ANXIETY. I know most everyone knows this but remembering it and being confident of it at times of high anxiety is very hard. I know how bad it seems, but seems is the correct word. All the thoughts want is your concern, your attention. They are lies that only perpetuate when we care. Don’t care and they will slowly pass. I am not here to give advice, I think Mike can do that best, I am here to give hope, you can get well. I fell into this trap two years ago and have walked myself 90% of the way out. Believe that you can get better, you can. Relax, relax, relax
Hi Geoff,
Thanks for your feedback. Yes it’s so much tougher when there’s an anxiety factor. And you’re right — you have to not care, even about the anxiety which does not go right away because it’s hormonal, chemical.
The listening method in Habit Guide is powerful enough to even overcome anxiety. I asked my friend in the article to do it when he was very anxious. I’ll never forget his response… “Woooaaaaaahhhhhh.” His mind went quiet, even in a highly anxious state.
“No importance, distract” is the winning formula for getting rid of unwanted thoughts — ignoring, not caring :-)
Exercise is great to get rid of the adrenaline if you can do it.
Well done on getting out Geoff!
Mike
Hi Nadine,
Sorry to hear about your troubles.
Attention is the volume control for thoughts. Ponder this. It’s incredible information that will literally change your life.
You get a thought, it scares you because it’s “not you.” It goes against everything you believe in. So you react strongly, emotionally, you give it great importance, questioning why it is there and so it goes.
This is how to massively ramp up an unwanted thought. I’m guessing that’s what happened when you started having these thoughts.
And pretty soon, habit comes in and you become VERY GOOD at all this attention to the unwanted thing. You get even more emotional as as hard as you try it just will not go. You feel out of control and it just gets worse and worse and worse.
To get rid of unwanted thoughts do the opposite to what you have been doing. Give them no importance at all, like they mean zero to you… in fact they are funny! Then distract your attention away.
Persist with this simple method and they will die away, soon enough to disappear altogether.
You speak volumes (literally) to your unconscious mind by your REACTION to thoughts. Therefore be sure to give no importance or attention to the unwanted ones.
Also, the QUALITY of your thoughts depends on your BIOCHEMISTRY — your overall health. And the root cause of that is habits — what you repeatedly and effortless do. A happy body makes happy thoughts and vica versa. An unhappy body makes unhappy thoughts and vica versa. Everything affects everything else.
I recommend reading Habit Guide to get the big picture. It will tell you everything you need to get rid of unwanted thoughts and be happy!!
Yay :-)
Mike
Thank you so much for your advice. You read me like an open book. This has already knocked some sense into me (thank god), I just need to keep drilling it through my head. For the past week, I have been having nervous breakdown, after nervous breakdown, and I just feel like I’ve lost control of everything. There hasn’t been a day where I haven’t bawled my eyes out.
But now, I have an idea of what I should do with my mind. Thank you.
You’re very welcome Nadine. Follow the plan and all will be well. Be sure to watch out for all forms of attention e.g. If you become frustrated that they are STILL there or look out for them that is all attention. The goal is the FORGETTING of unwanted thoughts. Ponder the whole concept of attention until you’re mega clear. Then no importance to anything to do with unwanted thoughts and distract.
Good luck Nadine, let me know how things pan out for you. If you need further clarity at any point, just leave a comment on here.
Mike
Hi Mike,
I myself have been dealing with unwanted thoughts and images that enter my head. I am a Christian person, but a couple months ago I thought of a phrase that I am sad to admit I did, I thought “F” God. I am so disappointed in myself for doing that, but I didn’t mean it in anyway, now I can’t get that thought out of my head. Even when I pray every night that phrase will pop in my head. Like I said before, I am a Christian person, I believe in God, I love God and Jesus, but now that I thought phrase, I feel as if I won’t stop thinking about it, and it scares me that I’ll be stuck thinking about this the rest of my life.
Before all this went down, I was a fun loving, happy go lucky guy. I have a beautiful daughter, fiance, and step daughter, and I have a great career. Mike, can you help me get back to normal? I feel as if it’s my mind testing me to think of the worst things possible.
Best Regards,
Eddie
Plano Tx.
Hi Eddie,
Thoughts don’t mean anything in themselves. We give them what meaning they have.
If I gave you only 1 hour sleep each night for a week, your thoughts would deteriorate. You may get thoughts to harm others, evil thoughts, terribly negative thoughts. Just look what happens to children when they are deprived of sleep… their behavior is seriously affected.
The point is that thoughts aren’t you… you decide the meaning and critically… the IMPORTANCE.
You have unwittingly given this thought a lot of importance (see above comment to Nadine) and that speaks VOLUMES literally to you unconscious mind and say to it “Give me more of this — it’s important!”
And then it becomes habit — so the unwanted thought repeats and is triggered more and more by subtle everyday cues.
What you must do is attach a new quality of “no importance… this means zero to me.” You can even see it as funny. Then you CONSISTENTLY distract whenever it repeats due to habit. If it comes in prayer, simply notice it, smile and distract. Whenever it comes give it the same treatment.
It’s no good being unclear or half-hearted. If you just once, give it importance again, you are confusing your unconscious mind. Be clear and consistent — this is the fastest way to FORGET it.
Remember… the QUALITY of your thoughts is largely due to your lifestyle — I gave you the sleep example but imagine… everything you do and think is playing its part. Everything is affecting everything else so if you want the best, clear, positive thoughts, be sure to get your body and mind functioning well by checking health boxes every day.
http://www.habitguide.com/get-rid-of-unwanted-thoughts
http://www.habitguide.com/the-big-stuff-of-health-and-happiness
All the best,
Mike
Thank you so much Mike. I will definitely give this a try. I never thought that this was as common as I have noticed. I will definitely work on everything. Thank you so much.
You’re very welcome Eddie. Let me know how it goes :-)
Mike,
Since you gave me the advice to use for my problem, I have found that my mind is still thinking of these thoughts even while I tell them they have no meaning.
I started using your advice the first day I read your email, it was working for about 2 days, then my mind would think of the same old disturbing thoughts in the background.
While I must admit that I have slacked on trying to tell the thoughts they have no meaning (just out of habit), I feel as if it’s controlling me. I don’t have any idea why my mind is immediately thinks of something negative to every positive thought I have.
Last night while sleeping, I would wake up just to flip over, and for that split second I would think my disturbing thought I told you about. Needless to say I didn’t sleep very well last night, and I woke up in a really bad mood from everything. Any additional advice you could give me?
I don’t want to be thinking about this the rest of my life Mike. Hope to hear from you soon.
Best Regards,
Eddie
Hi Eddie,
As I said earlier… if you JUST ONCE get frustrated, if you just ONCE enter into a mental battle, try to hold it down, hold it off — you are giving it importance. You are telling your mind “GIVE ME MORE… A LOT MORE.”
You did great for two days — the honeymoon :-)
You see this as a big thing, you MUST get rid, you MUST win… “I can’t stand it any longer!!!” That doesn’t feel like ZERO to me. Have you made it zero? If you see it as a big thing, how can it ever go?
You don’t need to keep saying “This is not important.” You must attach the QUALITY of no importance… not frustration, not the big battle of your life. ZERO. So you ponder your troubles… just once and SEE INTO IT… it’s just garbage. See it’s not important and then you have a clear and bright thought-feeling… a “quality” if you like. If it comes due to habit, simply remember this quality… that’s what attach no importance means… not a dialogue with yourself every time. Then remove attention, distract.
The clarity you give your unconscious mind is the key to swift change. When you go to another country and need to drive on the other side, you can change the habit of a lifetime in MINUTES. Why? The effect of messing up is that you and your family could die or be hurt. Simple… it’s clear and present danger.
You are ALERT, AWARE… “I am not doing the old thing, I am doing the new thing.” It’s crisp.
Your new thing is NO ATTENTION to the unwanted thought. ZERO… and it means ZERO. Zero importance, zero attention.
The fact that you wrote in shows you’ve been giving it lots of attention :-)
If you were as crisp and clear about your new change as driving on the other side, the change would be swift!
The end goal is that unwanted thoughts don’t come, they just aren’t there anymore. How can more attention or importance ever make this happen? The end AND the means are the same… go straight to forgetting.
Forgetting does not mean “keep an eye out” either does it? Forgetting means it isn’t there!
This is the whole difficultly!! The pink elephant problem as I mention in Habit Guide… please read by the way, it will give you the big picture. We are dealing here with how to deal with unwanted thoughts in the moment… but the quality if your thoughts is affected by your whole lifestyle. Please… read the book… it only takes an hour or so.
If I tell you “don’t think of a pink elephant” it can’t be done. You can’t tell your mind to NOT think of something. In the same way, you cannot tell your mind NOT to think of your unwanted thought.
You must deal with it only if it comes and not before!!!
The key to the pink elephant problem is to think of a blue one. In your mind a thing is either there or it isn’t. NOT, DON’T simply doesn’t work. Attention is always positive. Attention to your unwanted thought will help it to GROW. Attention with emotion.. “I HATE this” “AHHHHHHHHHH” will help it to grow A LOT.
Mike
So how do I give my thought a quality of no importance, since I have been thinking about it so much the last few months?
Firstly trust what I’m saying to you. Then you can relax, then you can make it not important. I’m saying “do it as I say and it will go.”
Otherwise you will think you have this huge problem that you must figure out. You will think you must give it lots of attention to resolve it. NO! That will make it worse. Attention is the volume control for thoughts. So first, trust me. Then you can drop it.
Second you must see it as garbage. As I said in the article… any supporting beliefs must be deconstructed by reason otherwise you would never drop it. In your case I don’t think there are any so all well and good.
Simply look at these thoughts for a moment. Are they garbage or not? If not, then you need to see them as garbage and pehaps we have a much longer dialogue about just WHY they are garbage. If you see them as garbage all well and good.
That being the case, they are not important are they? How are they serving you in any way? If they are garbage, let them go. Drop the whole problem.
Make a decision — A PACT — a clear and unshakeable decision, to give no attention to these thoughts ever again.
Then simply follow through IF and only IF they pop up. That means no looking to see if they are still there, no getting frustrated if they come because of habit.
If they come because of habit and linger, let them linger… stop caring, give them the cold shoulder.
This is about attitude and focus of attention. When unwanted thoughts come, you give them no importance, indifference.
Once they MEAN nothing, why would you ever give them attention… no, the attitude is “Ah that’s just that old garbage” and focus again on what you were doing.
When we get thoughts that go against our core values, we can give them tremendous importance. This is a serious error because attention is the volume control for thoughts. Whatever comes that you don’t want — the right way is to IGNORE.
That’s what “no importance, distract” is. It’s simply ignoring.
You know how to ignore? We do it all the time with people we don’t want to interact with. How?
It’s simple… we give them the cold shoulder (no importance) and we give them no attention (distract).
Then they will go away and leave you alone — as in the stall holder example in the article.
Do the same with unwanted thoughts. Ignore them. Keep ignoring them every time they come. Keep giving them indifference every single time.
The two things you must get right are your attitude and your focus. The correct attitude is indifference, the correct focus is away.
You have given tremendous importance and attention for months. You can’t expect your mind to go from that to forgetting over night. BUT the FASTEST way is to get the right attitude, the right plan of focus when they come and PERSIST.
Just like if you find you need to drive on the other side. Whenever the old way comes back, you simply keep on asserting the new way! You MUST otherwise you risk death! If you can stay THAT clear about your new way, your unconscious mind will come into line with your new wishes VERY quickly.
Persist with indifference, persist with taking attention away. That is all you need to do. Be clear about the process and what you need to do, make a firm and resolute decision and follow through.
If you keep changing your mind about which side of the road you’re driving on, then you’ll get confused. Give very clear messages to your unconscious mind. Get very clear about what those message are… the new way and then stay consistent.
If you keep saying “this isn’t important” and then the next minute get in a bad mood because it’s still there you are giving mixed messages.
Indifference — ALWAYS.
Distract — ALWAYS.
Clear, precise, consistent.
Mike
Thank you Mike, sorry for all the questions, I just want to nip this in the bud as quick as possible.
No worries :-)
Hey Mike, It’s Nadine. I’m a lot more calm since my last comment to you, as I’ve slowly learnt to relax. I’m also seeing a psychologist, who has diagnosed me with generalised anxiety. I’m slowly starting to chill out and get a hold of my thoughts, but they are very up and down (however, with less tears this time around ;p). I’ve noticed that they only seem to revolve around the people/things I love (my religion, my parents, my cat, etc) and sometimes I find myself believing that I might actually go insane or that something might snap and I’d suddenly start acting out on them. But once again, it depends on my mood and my time of the month. =(
Something else I’ve realised is that when I’m confident they don’t affect me that much. Maybe I don’t trust myself? I mean, I’m the kind of person who stays away from sharp objects, because she thinks she might hurt someone. And this also coming from someone who can’t STAND the sight of blood or horror films. Anyway, I’m really grateful for all your help and advice. I’ve recommended your articles to a family friend, who also finds herself slipping into irrational thinking. Hopefully, your great advice will help her.
Thank you so much and God bless! xx
That’s really wonderful to hear Nadine. Thank YOU for writing in, it means a lot to me, thanks!
Do keep in touch and let me know how you’re getting on :-) And if you have any more questions in the future, please, don’t hesitate to ask.
God bless you too! :-)
I find this article very helpful. My own meditation is on the bible.
Thank you very much for your words of wisdom! It’s incredible how you seem to have described me as if I had told you everything about my self. I think one of the first steps in beginning the healing process is to realize you are not the ONLY one…..THANKS
Thank you for the time you spent putting this article together. You are certainly a true friend to your friend suffering with unwanted thoughts. :-) Your patiences is more than helpful, it is an example of a necessary tool in helping with unwanted thoughts.
For that deeply understand, it’s a hard, wavey battle stifling irrational fears. I’ve have, now, been in an on-and-off battle with unwanted thoughts, finding myself googling articles to aid the process. I find it calming and reassuring, when reminded there is hope and that others have been in the same situation and have conquered.
Keeping busy is a great distraction those looking to live at zero or 100 MPH. But time will slowly show that is no way to live. Let your mind speak, face your fears, and then let them dissipate.
I felt like I was always training my mind to be okay with a random thought, and bringing myself to the realization that it does not define you, and discarding the thought is the only way to process it.
Coming out of a bad bout of depression was my source to my irrational fears, and it was my first scary, unwanted thought, couple by a strain I thought I was putting on my friendships that drove me to seek help with my doctor.
I love the empheism on meditation and facing your thoughts. Mediation, at first, is hard and your mind will run. But thats good, as long as you are not affirming your own fears.
Hold on to only good thoughts and feelings. They are there, and sometimes hard to find and let surface, when your mind is wading in polluted waters.
–and that’s enough from me.
There is always hope!
Bye!